This World

This world frustrates me. On a constant basis. Whether it’s my friends being shot down by idiot boys who need to realize when they have something awesome, or my workplace constantly pointing out everything I do wrong.

I don’t enjoy living this way.

I feel like I try so, so hard at work. I try to do everything right, but obviously that’s not always going to happen. And then every time I do something wrong, it’s pointed out. I can’t take it anymore. It’s never, ‘oh good job on that whatever’…it’s always, ‘in the future, you really should do ___’. I am one who likes to learn from my mistakes. But I am also a firm believer in praise as well as criticism. I will resent you, like I do now, if all you tell me is criticism.

I hate that I’m even scared to type these words, in fear that someone will read it and alert my work. I shouldn’t be scared to vent my frustrations. But I am. In this world, you’re always wrong, and they’re always right (when it comes to work).

I don’t know how long I can take this for. I need to transfer, or something. I feel obligated to work at Starbucks until I finish my degree, now that I’m doing their tuition reimbursement plan. It’s a really good opportunity, and if I don’t do it, I will be in a lot more debt that I already am. But can I really take this pressure for much longer? Three years longer, to be exact?

I hate that I dread work. I hate that I’ve grown to be cynical of the place I once used as an escape. Starbucks used to be my safe place. Now I don’t even like being in one. I just feel the pain radiating.

Is it possible to look forward to your job? Without getting a degree in something you’re passionate about? I wish I could afford to work less…take more time to do things I love. I feel like my life revolves around that place. Revolves around each paycheck. No matter how hard I work, the paycheck still sucks.

I’m diving lower and lower in my bank account. I don’t have much room to mess around. Whatever comfort space I had in the account, it’s gone. Which makes me more miserable. I work hard and then have to sit at home watching Netflix every single night, because I’m scared of spending money out that I might need for something more important.

I feel lonely. I do spend most of my time not at work alone. If I’m not with my boyfriend, I’m with my cat. I like my alone time, but it’s getting depressing. I want to be around people, but I don’t. I want to be happy, but it’s hard to maintain.

I just wish I knew what to do.

-May 23, 2017

Could I Be Any More Tired???

I don’t know how to begin this, because I’m more tired than I’ve been in a long time, so we’ll just dive in.

I have worked Thursday through today, and I work tomorrow. I suppose it’s not that many days in a row, but it feels like it. I am drained.

Last week I had my final exam for my communications class. I needed 35 points to get an A, and somehow I got that.

Today was my final exam for my zoology class. Somehow I managed an 85% on the final exam, which is better than any other test grade I’ve gotten all semester, and not at ALL what I was expecting. So I got two A’s this semester, and one B. That is more than good enough for me.

I’d like to say, hurray I’m free!!…but I’m not. I have summer classes. Not entirely sure when they begin, but I know it’s coming soon.

After my long ass shift tomorrow, I will probably take an extended nap. I haven’t been feeling well the past few days, but I haven’t actually gotten sick, so…who knows. It just feels like I’m going to, constantly. My boss has a stomach flu (but came into work anyway), so let’s just hope I’m not picking that up.

I leave for Baltimore really early Wednesday morning, and I’m super excited! Not entirely thrilled about the 12 hour drive, but you know, it’s worth it. My trips to Baltimore always go by too quickly, so I’m hoping this one doesn’t (though I know it will). My boyfriend is coming with me, so he gets to meet basically everyone.

I’ve been watching a new show on the side, since I’ve finished all the other shows I’ve been watching. I’m now watching Lie To Me, which is super good, but I don’t think it has that many seasons. I try really hard not to look at the number of seasons when I start a show. It’s discouraging, usually.

Work is still difficult. My regional manager came in the other day to “check in”, which ended in me almost crying. My coworker, my boss and I had a pretty good talk about it, though, which really helped. At least I feel supported by them.

It’s only 6:19pm, but I’m probably going to bed soon. I just wanted to update.

Let’s pray I can wake up to open.

-May 8, 2017

It’s The Courage To Continue That Counts…Or So They Say

This world is kind of cruel.

Yesterday was a shit show. Today didn’t turn out much better, either.

I didn’t sleep well, so I’m exhausted now.

School was really difficult, but not in the usual sense. I had my last day of classes today. In communications class, whoever hadn’t gone yet were giving their debate speeches. The final topic of the day was doctor-assisted suicide, or as they phrased it, “dying with dignity”. Many of their examples were obviously people who are terminally ill. The topic combined with the examples brought up a lot for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about my dad, and his death process, and obviously how it affected me. It’s hard to explain, but the feelings emerged again, full-force. That happens sometimes…it’s not a specific memory that triggers the feelings, it’s the feelings from the entire process/experience. They just emerge out of nowhere. No matter how many times I’ve tried to “deal with it” in therapy, sometimes that just happens. It’s hard for me, because there’s no specific reason I’m crying and shaking…I just am. So I don’t always know how to soothe myself.

I suppose a plus for me today was that I chose to reach out to my professor. I don’t even know her that well, but my options were to ask her for help, or go into the hallway and break out in a panic attack in front of everybody. I said, “I know you’re not a therapist, but can I talk to you?”, and she brought me to her office. I was crying and shaking some but it didn’t end in a full on panic attack. That’s pretty good for me. I took the time I needed to calm down, and went on to my next class.

I made a really big move today as well to pay off all of my medical debt. That was a difficult decision to make, seeing as how my debt was extremely high. I have medical accounts in collections dating back to 2011. I couldn’t even tell the lady at one of the companies what my address was at the time for that account. I did live in Florida for one of the accounts, but I a) don’t remember my living there (besides the main fact that I lived there), and b) don’t have a clue what my address was when I lived there. It’s kind of awful. I still can’t get over the fact that I don’t remember my time living there at all. I really don’t understand how this experience was just entirely erased from my memory. My mom has told me the main facts of the situation, but…it’s just weird. I wasn’t having electric shock therapy while I lived there, so I don’t think that’s the reason I don’t remember. Or maybe it is. Maybe it was a delayed thing? I know I did have ECT around the time I lived there (as in before that event and after that event, in the surrounding years). I’ve tried recalling the information several ways in therapy, and none have worked so far.

There’s other events of my life that have been erased somehow. I went to Ireland with my dad/siblings before he died in high school, and sadly I don’t remember that trip at all. That one I really don’t understand, because I didn’t have ECT until about two years after that event (and I hadn’t had it before). I’d just like to know why my brain erased it.

Moving on, though. I’m pretty tired, and hoping tomorrow won’t be shit as well. Until then, I’ll netflix and chill.

I will add, I’ve decided to take advantage of the Starbucks school reimbursement. I was accepted to ASU online for the fall semester. I looked at the classes they provide there, and I can’t wait. They have so many amazing class options! I want to take so many. Maybe I will, just for the heck of it.

That’s all.

-May 1, 2017

Venting Helps Me, But It’s Really Not That Interesting…Probably.

My day:

I was supposed to work a mid, but offered to cover my boss’s shift so that she could have a day off. Which meant I got to open and get off earlier in the day. Good deal, right?

Nah.

It began with three people in a row showing up late. One thought she worked at 8:45am, not 6:45am. The next had taken a sleeping pill last night, and woke up late. The third called the store and said she overslept, but she was on her way.

Then the safe was off by a few hundred dollars, which took me forever to fix (since I kept re-checking my math). I later figured out the change order was never picked up, so that’s why it was way over…which meant that I messed it up because I had deposited that excess.

Next, in between the second and third person being late, one of the employees at work at the time burned herself pretty bad. She was taking the filter container off the brewer station (the part that holds the filter/grounds/hot water runs through), and the container had decided not to drain, so all of the hot water/grounds fell on her arm/hand/leg. I spent maybe ten-fifteen minutes helping her in the back with burn gel/cold towels and cleaning up the spill up front…then I spent about ten minutes filling out an incident report. Next I spent forty or more minutes on the phone with partner resources to further file the incident report (you have to call this number within 24 hours of the incident to report it). She ended up going home early, so there were less of us on the floor. After all that, breaks were terribly behind, so that was awesome playing catch up with less people.

Then, a customer decided to be an asshole to my other coworker who was trying to do drive thru alone. She ended up having to walk off the floor because she was hysterically crying. Three of us were on the floor at this point, trying to do everything ourselves (which is really hard for a Sunday).

After all this, at 1pm I finally finished my shift. I went to get groceries, brought it all home, and I was ready to relax. Life wasn’t that kind, because then my toilet decided to overflow continuously. By the time I figured out how to turn it off, my entire bathroom was flooded. It took me about an hour to clean it up, figure out how to fix the toilet (since nobody answered the phone at the front office), and then clean my bathroom and shower (since it and I were disgusting).

I’m done.

-April 30, 2017

Where Did The Time Go?

I’ve been struggling emotionally lately. I’ve been feeling a lot of anger…but more at myself than anything else. When something bothers me, I don’t know why, but I hardly ever say anything. It’s so automatic that five minutes later, I’m wondering why I said nothing. I had several opportunities this past week to speak my truth, and I naturally skipped out. So I am left with myself, laying in bed at night, hating that I have no courage. Hating that it’s so damn automatic for me to just shut up. I don’t even know that I think to say anything in the moment. I just…freeze.

Anxiety is building, anger is building, and feeling trapped is almost consistent in my life right now. I want to have five minutes to myself, yet I’m always caught up doing something. I feel like I need a retreat. To just take a few days to myself. I’m too overwhelmed with this fast pace of life. Especially since I don’t feel like I’m getting closer to anything. I’m just gliding.

On the more positive side, I applied to volunteer for the Crisis Text Line. I would spend four hours (or more) a week with them, answering the texts people send in. I could see it being somewhat difficult, just with my nature of wanting to save people…but they provide a lot of training and assistance, so I think I can learn how to be effective in this role. I’m really looking forward to it…it’s something that actually works towards what I believe is my purpose (helping/inspiring other people). After going through treatment for seven years, and going from hell to the top, I’ve always thought I made it through so that I can help other people do the same. So…maybe this will help me feel more positive about my own life.

I don’t know what else to say. I will try to update more, I suppose.

-March 31, 2017

The Curvy Path of Life

I haven’t written in awhile. I’m sorry.

Life has been super stressful and jam-packed lately. I think that’s part of the reason I haven’t had time to update this. I started my new position at work (at my new store), and it’s been a lot more difficult than I thought, but for different reasons. I knew I was going to have a hard time adjusting, but…it’s just so stressful. I constantly feel like I’m on edge, looking over my shoulder, waiting…I can’t go into details, which is kind of unfortunate for my venting, but…I just have to deal with it. I will say though, that a big challenge and necessary step I need to take is growing a thicker skin. I can’t do my job effectively if I let these things get to me. I won’t last. That’s going to be a difficult feat, since I’ve been a very sensitive person my whole life. But like I said, necessary if I want to succeed.

School is still giving me anxiety as well. I did pass my zoology midterm (with a C), which for me means I will continue taking this class. I’ve come to terms with the fact that a C might be the best I can do in a science class. I’m looking forward next semester to taking another English class. I can at least thrive in that one. Hopefully I will have the same professor I had last semester as well. She is an awesome person and teacher.

I feel like I’ve had no social life since starting the new position. I hardly have gotten to see my boyfriend lately, which makes me really sad (and needy). I will admit that’s how I feel. Not what I’d like to portray, but I’m being honest.

I’ve had a hard time the past couple days with eating. I don’t know what changed, but I’m feeling constant hunger these days. I never feel satisfied. I’ve always been a restricter, and I wouldn’t consider my eating habits as bingeing…I’m honestly just starving. It’s making me have strong urges to go to the gym and work out, so that I can eat without feeling like a pig. I know if my body is this hungry, it needs the food (I guess)…but it’s so hard to eat this much. The problem with going to the gym is that I am beyond stressed and beyond exhausted every day from everything else I do. I think working out right now would increase my exhaustion. I’m still not sleeping well, and waking up constantly at night. I feel like a mess.

On the bright side, my old store was super incredibly amazing and all pitched in to get me a bearded dragon! They got me the starter kit and the bearded dragon, who I named Louie. He is super awesome. I really didn’t expect that kind of gift from them. They’re just the most amazing people I’ve ever worked with, and it makes me so sad that I won’t be working with them (unless something drastic changes). I’m estimating Louie to be about 2 months old, based on his size. It looks to be that he’s about 5-6 inches long. Bearded dragons can grow up to two feet, and live to about ten years old. I’m super excited for our journey together! I fed him strawberry pieces yesterday and he loved it đŸ™‚

Other than that, I think that’s all I have for now. Just have to keep trucking along and hope things get easier and my anxiety lessens with time.

-March 11, 2017

Short Update

Yesterday kicked off NEDA (National Eating Disorder Awareness) week, so I’m trying to post some knowledge/awareness posts on Facebook every day for that. I know most people are aware of some eating disorders, but I know many people are unaware of the extent of them. Whether I can help people understand, or help someone by sharing my experiences, it’s worth it.

I’ve been doing alright, for the most part. I went to an alumni event yesterday from the last treatment center I went to. It was really cool- nothing like what I’ve seen before. It was hosted by one of the primary therapists at the center, and involved expression of recovery through art (mainly dancing of different kinds). I also got to see some friends I don’t get to see very often.

Emotionally, things are a little stressful. I’ve been more anxious lately, pretty much about everything. I’m not sleeping well anymore, despite the medicine I take at night to help me sleep. I wake up often and end up feeling like I didn’t sleep at all in the morning. Once I wake up in the morning, though, I can’t fall back asleep. It’s a never-ending shitty cycle of exhaustion, which ends up causing me more stress/anxiety.

I’ve been training at work for my promotion, and so far it’s going well. I have a lot of questions that I need to get answered, but I think they will be this week. I’m working with my boss at least tomorrow and Sunday, possibly more. She’s been really helpful for me.

I made an Instagram for my cat after one of my friends suggested I do. That makes me smile. She’s funny.

My goals this week are to read my book more often, make time for relaxation, play my guitar some, and study. I have a midterm coming up in zoology that counts for 20% of my grade…so that’d be nice if I actually did well on it. It would make up (maybe) for the last test I took.

That’s about it.

-February 27, 2017