I’ve been a little absent again. I’m sorry. Things have been crazy lately.

I’ve gone to Baltimore twice in the past month or so, and I’m going back Wednesday-Saturday. Well, Wednesday and Saturday will most likely be spent driving. 12 hours of fun! My dress for the wedding is ready and fits, and I’m super excited for it to happen.

I don’t know if I said this in the last post…I could go check but I’m being lazy. I got a dog, Oliver. So he’s been filling most of my time. He’s eight months old and doing well, but not fully potty trained yet. It’s kind of a nightmare with that. I had him in this mesh enclosure thing I used to transport White Kitty down here to Georgia, but he ended up chewing through it and escaping. I do need to get him a crate, but I’m royally broke right now. This sounds insane but I am trying out a doggy diaper to see if that works at all. It’s mostly just when I’m gone for work that he has accidents. But we’re working on it.

White Kitty has been hiding a lot, which is kind of sad for me. I miss her. She’s taken to hiding in my bathroom cabinet (below the sink), so I made it comfy for her. Pillow, blankets, etc. Hopefully she comes out more soon.

Work has been…work. Busy. Hectic. Stressful. I had a job interview yesterday. It was a culture interview, actually. Second of third; if they like me, I’ll go on to the third (a resume interview). I haven’t heard anything, though. My anxiety has sky rocketed. I wish they would have told me something today. My boyfriend applied to the same job, but he had his interview on a Wednesday (and he heard back Friday). So I suppose I’ll hear back Monday? I guess. He didn’t get chosen, which really sucks. It kind of makes me feel bad. I don’t think I’ll get it, but if I did…I don’t know. I’d always feel self-conscious.

There’s a lot going on with that. Feeling self-conscious. Contemplating if I matter. If my opinion, ideas, or anything I have to say, matters. Does anyone really want to hear me, anyway? People constantly talk over me. Cut into what I’m saying. Why do I even bother speaking? This is why I stopped when I was little. I went silent because nobody heard me anyway. Why keep trying when it’s useless. Nothing I said mattered, nothing I did made anything better. I could wish and pray and hope with all my might, but it would never stop. Until it did, and I blamed myself anyway.

I miss my dad. It’s Father’s Day soon. Everybody coming into Starbucks is buying the Father’s Day gift cards. Tomorrow there’s supposed to be a group of thirty people celebrating fathers coming into the store for their celebration. I don’t want to be there for that, but I don’t have a choice. I ache to feel my dad’s presence again. I ache to feel his touch. I ache to hear his voice. I wish I had him back. And I hate myself for being jealous of other people who do have their dads. I hate that I’m so bitter towards them. There’s no reason for me to be. I’m glad for you if you have your dad. I just miss mine. I don’t wish this upon anyone, though I know it will happen eventually to most.

I hate the hole it’s left inside me. It’s a giant void I feel myself slipping into from time to time. Like right now. It’s a black hole filled with shreds of my broken heart. Desperation, longing, and bitterness reside there. It’s funny how you wish you had someone back, but can’t stand to be around anyone else who is actually here.

They can get it, they can not get it. The point is, nothing anyone ever says will make it better. And I don’t say that in a mean way…it’s just kind of the truth. It feels nice to have people care, and try, but no one can be my father, or bring my father back. No one can tell me why. No one can explain why that was necessary…a reason that would actually make sense to me. Why is it supposedly God’s will for my dad to succumb to cancer? He went out in pain. He left me in pain. Why is God’s will pain?

I wish I had answers. I wanted to be able to go to church…and I actually asked my boss if I could have Sunday’s off for school this coming semester (so that I could go to church in the morning). But she said Sunday’s are tricky, and she needs me to work. I close Saturday nights, so that doesn’t work for church either. Maybe one day I’ll figure something out.

I don’t know why I’m becoming to anti-people lately. It’s like I crave love, I crave having people who care…but I also crave sleep. And being alone. And not bother humanity with my insanity.

I don’t know what I want. But something has to change. This isn’t tolerable.

-June 16, 2017

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Could I Be Any More Tired???

I don’t know how to begin this, because I’m more tired than I’ve been in a long time, so we’ll just dive in.

I have worked Thursday through today, and I work tomorrow. I suppose it’s not that many days in a row, but it feels like it. I am drained.

Last week I had my final exam for my communications class. I needed 35 points to get an A, and somehow I got that.

Today was my final exam for my zoology class. Somehow I managed an 85% on the final exam, which is better than any other test grade I’ve gotten all semester, and not at ALL what I was expecting. So I got two A’s this semester, and one B. That is more than good enough for me.

I’d like to say, hurray I’m free!!…but I’m not. I have summer classes. Not entirely sure when they begin, but I know it’s coming soon.

After my long ass shift tomorrow, I will probably take an extended nap. I haven’t been feeling well the past few days, but I haven’t actually gotten sick, so…who knows. It just feels like I’m going to, constantly. My boss has a stomach flu (but came into work anyway), so let’s just hope I’m not picking that up.

I leave for Baltimore really early Wednesday morning, and I’m super excited! Not entirely thrilled about the 12 hour drive, but you know, it’s worth it. My trips to Baltimore always go by too quickly, so I’m hoping this one doesn’t (though I know it will). My boyfriend is coming with me, so he gets to meet basically everyone.

I’ve been watching a new show on the side, since I’ve finished all the other shows I’ve been watching. I’m now watching Lie To Me, which is super good, but I don’t think it has that many seasons. I try really hard not to look at the number of seasons when I start a show. It’s discouraging, usually.

Work is still difficult. My regional manager came in the other day to “check in”, which ended in me almost crying. My coworker, my boss and I had a pretty good talk about it, though, which really helped. At least I feel supported by them.

It’s only 6:19pm, but I’m probably going to bed soon. I just wanted to update.

Let’s pray I can wake up to open.

-May 8, 2017

Inadequacy Burns

Somebody please make the shit stop.

This has been such a bad day. All I really want to do is cry, but the tears won’t come out. I’m in such disbelief that the world is like this in 2017…and I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it. Anything I do is meaningless, at this point. Nothing changes. Things just seem to get worse…

I closed at work tonight, and was yelled at/talked down to by more people than usual. It wouldn’t really have gotten to me, except for the phone call that flipped me over into panic/disbelief/sadness-mode.

I answered the phone, and was asked, “I don’t mean to be racist, but are you white?”. I didn’t even want to respond, but in fear of her getting more angry than her current tone, I just said yes. She proceeded to sass at me about calling someone earlier. I didn’t know who she was talking about, and asked if she had spoken with my coworker Maria. Angrily, she said, “No”, and went silent. I said, “Okay…can I help you with something?”.
Her: “I need to speak with a manager. Are you the manager?”
Me: “No mam, but I am a shift supervisor. The manager isn’t here right now.”
Her: “I need a manager.”
Me: “I can take your number and have her call you…”
Her: “No, because that never works and I’ll never get a call back.”
Me: “Well…I can try to help you.”
She went on to ask a question, but our phones are awful and I couldn’t hear her. I asked her to repeat herself, and she proceeded to hang up on me.

That conversation left me feeling like a pile of trash. I really wanted to cry, but didn’t. I tried to move on, but proceeded to be talked down to by customers twice in the next 30 minutes.

I can’t take it anymore. I don’t understand why people feel inclined to treat me like I’m less than human, not competent enough to answer basic questions, and like I have no feelings. News flash- I am human. I do feel emotions. And you obviously can’t comprehend how your comments and anger leaves me feeling.

(I am now finishing this post the next morning)-

Yesterday was an extremely rough night for me. I got into a disagreement with my boyfriend after all of the above happened, which left me even more raw. I couldn’t stop crying, and my sleeping medicine wasn’t helping at all. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. I had a lot of suicidal and self-harm thoughts. It sucked, because it was 2am, so I pretty much had no one to talk to (since everyone was asleep). I will say, I did attempt to text two people, which was a good thing. Like I said, they’re asleep, so no one responded…but I didn’t really expect anyone to.

If you’re easily triggered, please skip this paragraph- I did not harm myself, which honestly was a miracle since my thoughts were screaming. I probably did take too much sleeping medicine, though. I took my new prescription pill, double the dose of an over the counter sleeping aid, and my PRN, along with my other nighttime meds. I knew it wasn’t the best choice, and probably overkill, but I also knew it probably wouldn’t hurt me. Part of me hoped it would, but I knew it wouldn’t. It’d mild stuff. I just wanted to stop thinking. I wanted to fall asleep and stop the shit.

I woke up pretty late this morning (obviously). And I’m still exhausted. I’m still emotional, though not to the point of the same thoughts. I’m going out with a friend tonight, so maybe that will help me smile some. I’m just really struggling with these thoughts. And I hate that it takes so much for me to fall asleep. Sleep is my escape. I get to not think about anything. I get peace. I’d rather have nightmare dreams than wake up and live a nightmare. At least I won’t remember the dreams after awhile. I still remember the people yelling at me. I still feel it in my chest. I still feel the inadequacy I’ve been plagued with. I don’t know what it will take to put me over the edge. I felt pretty damn close last night.

I’m tired of hoping I’ll eventually have something worthwhile in my life. It’s not really worth it. There’s too much pain. It never goes away. Or, if one pain goes away, it’s replaced by another. I just don’t see how I am supposed to handle this for the rest of my life. Yes, things are good in life. But I don’t know if I believe they’re worth living for.

Does my presence matter? Would my non-existence make anything different? Wouldn’t there be someone else who could easily fill my role?

It’s hard to lose someone, but at the same time, you learn to adapt. It hurts, like a knife in your chest that keeps getting twisted at random intervals…but you know that there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t make them come back, and you have to try to move forward.

People could move forward. I’m not crucial.

I’m sorry. This has taken a depressing turn. I’m just at the end of my rope. The rope is burning my hands, and the ground looks soft below…

Once again, sorry. I wish I was a better role model. Today I’m not.

-April 7, 2017

The Curvy Path of Life

I haven’t written in awhile. I’m sorry.

Life has been super stressful and jam-packed lately. I think that’s part of the reason I haven’t had time to update this. I started my new position at work (at my new store), and it’s been a lot more difficult than I thought, but for different reasons. I knew I was going to have a hard time adjusting, but…it’s just so stressful. I constantly feel like I’m on edge, looking over my shoulder, waiting…I can’t go into details, which is kind of unfortunate for my venting, but…I just have to deal with it. I will say though, that a big challenge and necessary step I need to take is growing a thicker skin. I can’t do my job effectively if I let these things get to me. I won’t last. That’s going to be a difficult feat, since I’ve been a very sensitive person my whole life. But like I said, necessary if I want to succeed.

School is still giving me anxiety as well. I did pass my zoology midterm (with a C), which for me means I will continue taking this class. I’ve come to terms with the fact that a C might be the best I can do in a science class. I’m looking forward next semester to taking another English class. I can at least thrive in that one. Hopefully I will have the same professor I had last semester as well. She is an awesome person and teacher.

I feel like I’ve had no social life since starting the new position. I hardly have gotten to see my boyfriend lately, which makes me really sad (and needy). I will admit that’s how I feel. Not what I’d like to portray, but I’m being honest.

I’ve had a hard time the past couple days with eating. I don’t know what changed, but I’m feeling constant hunger these days. I never feel satisfied. I’ve always been a restricter, and I wouldn’t consider my eating habits as bingeing…I’m honestly just starving. It’s making me have strong urges to go to the gym and work out, so that I can eat without feeling like a pig. I know if my body is this hungry, it needs the food (I guess)…but it’s so hard to eat this much. The problem with going to the gym is that I am beyond stressed and beyond exhausted every day from everything else I do. I think working out right now would increase my exhaustion. I’m still not sleeping well, and waking up constantly at night. I feel like a mess.

On the bright side, my old store was super incredibly amazing and all pitched in to get me a bearded dragon! They got me the starter kit and the bearded dragon, who I named Louie. He is super awesome. I really didn’t expect that kind of gift from them. They’re just the most amazing people I’ve ever worked with, and it makes me so sad that I won’t be working with them (unless something drastic changes). I’m estimating Louie to be about 2 months old, based on his size. It looks to be that he’s about 5-6 inches long. Bearded dragons can grow up to two feet, and live to about ten years old. I’m super excited for our journey together! I fed him strawberry pieces yesterday and he loved it đŸ™‚

Other than that, I think that’s all I have for now. Just have to keep trucking along and hope things get easier and my anxiety lessens with time.

-March 11, 2017

Short Update

Yesterday kicked off NEDA (National Eating Disorder Awareness) week, so I’m trying to post some knowledge/awareness posts on Facebook every day for that. I know most people are aware of some eating disorders, but I know many people are unaware of the extent of them. Whether I can help people understand, or help someone by sharing my experiences, it’s worth it.

I’ve been doing alright, for the most part. I went to an alumni event yesterday from the last treatment center I went to. It was really cool- nothing like what I’ve seen before. It was hosted by one of the primary therapists at the center, and involved expression of recovery through art (mainly dancing of different kinds). I also got to see some friends I don’t get to see very often.

Emotionally, things are a little stressful. I’ve been more anxious lately, pretty much about everything. I’m not sleeping well anymore, despite the medicine I take at night to help me sleep. I wake up often and end up feeling like I didn’t sleep at all in the morning. Once I wake up in the morning, though, I can’t fall back asleep. It’s a never-ending shitty cycle of exhaustion, which ends up causing me more stress/anxiety.

I’ve been training at work for my promotion, and so far it’s going well. I have a lot of questions that I need to get answered, but I think they will be this week. I’m working with my boss at least tomorrow and Sunday, possibly more. She’s been really helpful for me.

I made an Instagram for my cat after one of my friends suggested I do. That makes me smile. She’s funny.

My goals this week are to read my book more often, make time for relaxation, play my guitar some, and study. I have a midterm coming up in zoology that counts for 20% of my grade…so that’d be nice if I actually did well on it. It would make up (maybe) for the last test I took.

That’s about it.

-February 27, 2017