Somebody please make the shit stop.
This has been such a bad day. All I really want to do is cry, but the tears won’t come out. I’m in such disbelief that the world is like this in 2017…and I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it. Anything I do is meaningless, at this point. Nothing changes. Things just seem to get worse…
I closed at work tonight, and was yelled at/talked down to by more people than usual. It wouldn’t really have gotten to me, except for the phone call that flipped me over into panic/disbelief/sadness-mode.
I answered the phone, and was asked, “I don’t mean to be racist, but are you white?”. I didn’t even want to respond, but in fear of her getting more angry than her current tone, I just said yes. She proceeded to sass at me about calling someone earlier. I didn’t know who she was talking about, and asked if she had spoken with my coworker Maria. Angrily, she said, “No”, and went silent. I said, “Okay…can I help you with something?”.
Her: “I need to speak with a manager. Are you the manager?”
Me: “No mam, but I am a shift supervisor. The manager isn’t here right now.”
Her: “I need a manager.”
Me: “I can take your number and have her call you…”
Her: “No, because that never works and I’ll never get a call back.”
Me: “Well…I can try to help you.”
She went on to ask a question, but our phones are awful and I couldn’t hear her. I asked her to repeat herself, and she proceeded to hang up on me.
That conversation left me feeling like a pile of trash. I really wanted to cry, but didn’t. I tried to move on, but proceeded to be talked down to by customers twice in the next 30 minutes.
I can’t take it anymore. I don’t understand why people feel inclined to treat me like I’m less than human, not competent enough to answer basic questions, and like I have no feelings. News flash- I am human. I do feel emotions. And you obviously can’t comprehend how your comments and anger leaves me feeling.
(I am now finishing this post the next morning)-
Yesterday was an extremely rough night for me. I got into a disagreement with my boyfriend after all of the above happened, which left me even more raw. I couldn’t stop crying, and my sleeping medicine wasn’t helping at all. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. I had a lot of suicidal and self-harm thoughts. It sucked, because it was 2am, so I pretty much had no one to talk to (since everyone was asleep). I will say, I did attempt to text two people, which was a good thing. Like I said, they’re asleep, so no one responded…but I didn’t really expect anyone to.
If you’re easily triggered, please skip this paragraph- I did not harm myself, which honestly was a miracle since my thoughts were screaming. I probably did take too much sleeping medicine, though. I took my new prescription pill, double the dose of an over the counter sleeping aid, and my PRN, along with my other nighttime meds. I knew it wasn’t the best choice, and probably overkill, but I also knew it probably wouldn’t hurt me. Part of me hoped it would, but I knew it wouldn’t. It’d mild stuff. I just wanted to stop thinking. I wanted to fall asleep and stop the shit.
I woke up pretty late this morning (obviously). And I’m still exhausted. I’m still emotional, though not to the point of the same thoughts. I’m going out with a friend tonight, so maybe that will help me smile some. I’m just really struggling with these thoughts. And I hate that it takes so much for me to fall asleep. Sleep is my escape. I get to not think about anything. I get peace. I’d rather have nightmare dreams than wake up and live a nightmare. At least I won’t remember the dreams after awhile. I still remember the people yelling at me. I still feel it in my chest. I still feel the inadequacy I’ve been plagued with. I don’t know what it will take to put me over the edge. I felt pretty damn close last night.
I’m tired of hoping I’ll eventually have something worthwhile in my life. It’s not really worth it. There’s too much pain. It never goes away. Or, if one pain goes away, it’s replaced by another. I just don’t see how I am supposed to handle this for the rest of my life. Yes, things are good in life. But I don’t know if I believe they’re worth living for.
Does my presence matter? Would my non-existence make anything different? Wouldn’t there be someone else who could easily fill my role?
It’s hard to lose someone, but at the same time, you learn to adapt. It hurts, like a knife in your chest that keeps getting twisted at random intervals…but you know that there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t make them come back, and you have to try to move forward.
People could move forward. I’m not crucial.
I’m sorry. This has taken a depressing turn. I’m just at the end of my rope. The rope is burning my hands, and the ground looks soft below…
Once again, sorry. I wish I was a better role model. Today I’m not.
-April 7, 2017