Overdue Update

Jeez, I haven’t updated in awhile. Sorry…I’ve been really busy. There’s been a lot of changes.

First of all, after several interviews (some saying they’ll call me and didn’t, others replying the next day saying they don’t want me), I did land a new job. And it was actually with the company I liked the most, so that worked out very well. I am officially a Customer Care Coordinator with Arrow Exterminator. It’s a really nice company, super nice people, and better pay than what I have now…so I appreciate all of that. It will definitely be a change, though. It’s Monday-Friday 8-5pm, and the commute is reallllly far. I don’t know how I will adjust from a job where it’s chaotic and I’m running everywhere all the time, to a job where I’m sitting at a desk consistently throughout the week. Part of me has my ED nudging me, like hey, you’ll probably burn a lot less calories and gain a lot more weight. It’s stupid to say but I am worried about it. I’m not happy with where I’m at weight-wise, but I deal with it. I don’t think I could deal with any higher. But I’m trying not to make that a main priority in my realm of thoughts.

I emailed them today to see if I can start Tuesday instead of the following week. I gave Starbucks my two weeks notice, and I’m kind of pissed because she scheduled me to work after the two weeks is up. I know I could say no, but I feel like a bitch for doing that. Not to mention she only scheduled me for three days next week, so that’s not going to help my financial situation. Why not just not schedule me?? I would have been fine with that.

I am fed up with the Starbucks drama, and I don’t care to deal with it anymore.

I was excited to go out and buy new clothes for this job. I know Starbucks got a lot more lenient in the dress code over the past few years, but it’s never been a super professional look. It’s exciting to buy nice clothes. Not exciting that I had to take out a Kohl’s card (because I can’t afford these nice clothes by myself, but need them for the job).

My sister and niece are coming into town in the next few days, so that’s exciting. I haven’t seen them in awhile. I think I might try to go with my niece to this trampoline place near me. Apparently it’s just wall to wall trampolines. She’s six, so that’s kind of right up her alley.

I started playing Pokemon Go. I’m getting super frustrated at running out of Pokeballs, because that means I can’t play the game. 2017 probs…

I’m also disappointed in the upcoming school semester. I have to take two math classes and a science class because everything else is full. I originally had planned to continue with ASU (Starbucks’ reimbursement plan), but since I’m no longer going there, it doesn’t make much sense to keep doing that. It’s a really expensive school. So I was trying to go back to Georgia Highlands, but with this new job I still have to do the online classes. Both of those combined (the late decision to enroll and the need for online classes only) created a huge predicament in signing up for anything. All the other classes I could possibly need are full. I hate math and I hate science…but I guess it’s good to get it out of the way. Spring semester will be better, since I’ll have more time to plan for it.

Oh, and my online summer class with ASU was AWFUL. I have never spent that much time on a class. Literally over six hours a week were poured into that stupid Spanish class. Learning Spanish online isn’t fun either, especially when they don’t give you an accurate description of what the Spanish word means in English (some just had pictures that were indecipherable).

Anyway, I’m hoping I can muster up some more energy than what I’ve got right now. The past few days I’ve been exhausted for no reason, and haven’t been able to accomplish much (or even stay awake much). I just want energy, please. I’ve got too much going on to be exhausted.

And Oliver needs to quit barking before I stick him in the crate.
(Life of living on the ground level apartment where he can see everyone who passes by).

The end.

-August 9, 2017

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Catching Up On Stuff

Another day goes by, and here we are.

Things have been stressful lately, but thankfully not every day has been panic-inducing. I haven’t had to take my anxiety PRN medication every single day, and that’s good for me (these days).

I feel like a lot of my anxiety occurs in the afternoon/evening/nighttime. Things just start getting into my head, I start obsessing, and there’s no turning back. I’m not entirely sure how to stop obsessing, but I’m trying to work on it.

I’ve been doing things that really aren’t healthy for me lately, like smoking weed and eating whatever shit I feel like. I weighed myself for the first time in forever the other day. Thankfully I wasn’t too shocked/upset by the number (it was kind of what I expected). I know that my body right now doesn’t gain weight very easily. However, I realize that I can’t live my life like this regardless. My diet isn’t very healthy or thought through, and I think I’d like to make more of an effort to make it better…or at least put some thought into it besides whatever I’m craving in that moment. To be clear, this is not ED-motivated. This is purely for the reason that I want to live a healthy lifestyle and eating healthfully is a part of that.

Smoking is something I’d like to stop also. Or at least not do as much. I’ve had a really bad cough for the past two weeks, and whether it’s from smoking or not, it’s hard to think it isn’t. I feel like shit all the time, and I’m tired, and I don’t like feeling like bingeing when I smoke. Smoking helps me sleep, but I’m also on medicine for sleep, so maybe I can try to make that work instead.

At the same time, I still wish I didn’t have to be on so much medication. The amount of pills I take is kind of ridiculous. I have tried semi-recently to come off of some medication, and it didn’t work out. My psychiatrist ended up increasing it back to where it was originally. Maybe one day I can at least come of something…

The craving to move out of Georgia is getting real. The summer heat is something I can’t stand. Wearing my hair in a bun every day and sweating my body weight by standing outside is not at all appealing. I hate it. I want fall, or cold, or something. Bleh.

I have two job interviews coming up this week, and I’m interested to see how they turn out. The first on Monday is actually with another coffee store, but a local shop (instead of a big corporation). I think that could be interesting. On Wednesday I have an interview with an answering service. The answering service one would just be taking phone calls and making appointments. Kind of boring, but also more predictable and reliable. Coffee shops aren’t always reliable for getting the hours you need. Case in point- I tried to transfer to a Starbucks closer to my house (so I could actually make money off being promoted). My boss had a talk with me, told me she would give me the hours I needed…and for the next two weeks I have less than 30 hours each week (which is not at ALL what I can afford living off of by working there). I hate that it’s becoming like this with Starbucks. I’ve always loved this company and what they stand for. I’ve had so much fun learning new things, growing with my stores, and being surrounded by generally awesome people. Starbucks is growing more and more into something I’m not recognizing. Something not appealing to me. Something not appealing to many baristas, actually. Still love you Starbucks, but we may need to part ways.

I have decided to change my major to early childhood education (for the time being). I’m going to go to my local community college again instead of Arizona State Online, because online classes are NOT meant for me. I miss Georgia Highlands, actually. They’re an incredible school. Sadly I can’t go there for much longer (since they only have an Associate’s degree for my major interests). I might as well go there while I can, though. I’ll be taking four classes in the fall, if everything goes as planned. I might have to be going to school Monday-Thursday, which I know will be a pain in the ass, but I need to do it. And I can’t figure out a class schedule that only has classes on two specific days, so here we are.

I have been exhausted every day lately, so I’m probably going to bed soon. It’s 9:18pm right now. But I’ve also been awake since 3:15am for work this morning. I think I should get to go to bed soon.

Peace and love ❤

-July 21, 2017

 

 

Shelter Love

I had a pretty good day today. My boyfriend slept over last night, and we spent pretty much the whole day together today…which was really nice. We went out for a bit last night, then had some errands and such to run today. While his car was getting worked on, I bribed him into going to the animal shelter with me. I really want to get a dog, and I saw a few on their website that I loved. One of them I actually saw at the shelter today saying he got adopted, so I’m very happy for him. He and my mom both kind of have the same thinking process when it comes to me wanting a dog…the whole, “how will you have time for it, how will you pay for it, etc.”. My therapist is supportive of me getting one. I just think it would be encouraging for me to get up, get outside, do more in general. I’m not the type of person to get an animal and just ignore it, so it’s not like I wouldn’t care for it. Well, maybe except the hamsters I had growing up. I hated them because they bit the shit out of me and hated me. I was younger so my mom just kind of took care of them with me. But that’s different. I have my own place now, and I will make time for a dog.

It took a lot out of me not to bring the one dog I met home today. He was super cute and sweet. But I’m not prepared right now, and I’m leaving for Baltimore next week (flying, so I couldn’t just bring him). I don’t want to adopt a dog and then leave him the next week. I’m sure he would need time adjusting and establishing a routine, and that wouldn’t help at all.

I think going to the shelter kind of made him sad, though. There was this older dog he fell in love with, and he said he felt bad because he’s probably had a long, hard life. There’s also the fact that most people adopting a dog want a puppy or younger one. It’s hard to find someone to adopt a senior. I would say more people should, but I know it’s extremely taxing and emotional…so more like, do if you feel you’re up to the challenges it brings. I told him one day, when we have a house, we can adopt a senior and let him have his last years be amazing with us. I know it’d be really hard emotionally for me, but they deserve love just as much as any other dog.

My past two days were my days off, so tomorrow I’m back to the grind. I know I at least work through Sunday, but the new schedule isn’t up yet. I don’t really have any shifts this week where I would be in charge…which kind of sucks. I miss doing what I was hired to do.

I do have a phone interview with a company tomorrow. My boyfriend referred me to them (he’s applying too). If I were to get this job for whatever reason, I probably would quit Starbucks. There’s no reason not to (minus the college achievement program, but…I don’t know. I think I can figure that out myself).

❤ Much love.

-May 31, 2017

Necessary Mood Lift

I’m feeling really good at this particular moment, which is nice. I’ll savor it while I can.

Another semi-stressful night at work…although my boss was very encouraging, which helped calm me down a lot.

Anyway, I closed, and drove home/checked the mail. I got a letter from the college I’ve been attending, saying I’ve made the Dean’s List. Hence my feeling good.

I just had this immediate thought of, “I’m finally doing something right!”. I know I do a lot wrong, but I also know I do some things right…so that isn’t the only “right” thing I’ve done lately. But it’s had the most impact on me. I think because everything else I do “right”, it’s kind of expected. It’s the norm/really isn’t anything special. But upon reading this letter, it’s just something extra that I didn’t really expect. Honestly I didn’t even think about the Dean’s List, or any other awards I might have gotten lately. The surprise helped a lot, I think. It just feels really nice to have this accomplishment. I worked really hard these past few semesters, with not a ton to show from it. Now it’s changed.

So besides feeling that, I am also feeling a little bit of anger. I feel like I’m kind of being used, in some regards. I don’t really want to go into huge detail…just the feeling kind of sucks. I feel like a good part of my meaning to this person is certain things I have. I want to be enough on my own. I also want to be able to say no and not regret my decision.

All in all, it hasn’t been a terrible day. It is 12:42am, though, so bed is getting a little necessary. Until tomorrow. ❤

-May 27, 2017

Liking Self Vs. Liking Life

I’ve been going through my old altered books today. If you’ve been to Sheppard Pratt Center for Eating Disorders, you know what that is. If you haven’t been there, maybe you still might know what it is. It’s actually a pretty good coping strategy. You take an old book (I’ve always preferred bigger books)…you cut things out from magazines and glue them in, draw in it, write in it, etc. You take an old book and make it your story.

Since I’m not that great at art, and art groups always kind of sucked for me, I would prefer to work on my altered books (most of the time).

The main reason I’m bringing it up is because I found a paper taped in one of them that spoke to me.

It’s a list of 67 “confessions” that I suppose those with eating disorders, or even anxiety/depression, can relate to. I starred the ones I had felt applied to me at the time. I will admit, I’m not sure what time period we’re looking at here…but it’s from SP, so sometime between 2009-2015. Probably closer to sometime in the early/middle years.

One of the confessions I starred was this:

“I wish that I didn’t hate myself but at the same time, I don’t know how it would feel to like myself.”

Earlier today, I was showing my therapist some of the books. There’s several pages dedicated to fear foods, skinny models, weight loss quotes from magazines, self-harm-related things, etc. She asked me how it felt to look at all of this. I said it felt weird. It’s kind of surreal, because I’m no longer in that place.

I can’t say I’m completely over my eating disorder, because I’m not. And honestly, I don’t believe that I ever will be completely rid of it. The thoughts still occur, but they’re different now, and more sporadic. They’re more manageable. They’re not the same.

But when I read this quote, something struck me about it. If I am being completely honest, I still don’t know what it feels like to like myself.

I don’t think I hate myself anymore, but I don’t like myself either. Where does that leave me? In a state of confusion, really. I’m in a state of…I just don’t like myself. I don’t like the way I come off, or the awkwardness I can carry. I don’t like my inability to confront people on things that need to come to light. I don’t like that I hardly ever stand up for myself, yet I’m totally willing to stand up for everyone else.

I like my love for animals, though when I say that, I automatically think about how it turns people off. They think I’m weird, because I love animals so much.

I don’t even know what else I like about myself. If I could, I’d change a lot. I like the people in my life, and I like the love I can give and receive. I like several qualities of my life. But I don’t like myself.

It’s strange, really. I thought in the process of recovery, one of the goals was to learn to love yourself. I haven’t really learned that. I’ve learned how to follow through with actions that compliment loving myself, such as eating, drinking water, working hard at school/work, and being social. I’ve made a lot of accomplishments, like paying for school, getting promoted, having my own apartment/moving out. But that doesn’t mean anything about myself.

I guess it would be logical to like yourself for making all these accomplishments. But it’s not true.

Does anyone else relate?

-May 18, 2017

Hopping Fences and Bowling Pins

Update time.

So I was in Baltimore last Wednesday through yesterday morning. My boyfriend and I drove there and back. We got back last night, and I opened this morning. I really thought I would be more tired than I was. For some reason, I was wide awake my entire work shift. I thought about all the things I would do today (meaning cleaning the apartment and my room). Only my room ended up being completed, but that took a few hours, so I’m good with that.

I brought a lot of stuff back from Baltimore (aka why it took hours for my room). I organized, threw out a lot of stuff, and moved a lot of things around. I think it looks pretty good now. I brought some of my dad’s things home, like a few of his bowling pins, his Marine hat, his spoon collection, some decorative stuff, etc., which I put on display. My dad’s spoon collection is actually pretty awesome. He has a lot of really unique ones in there, including a spoon with Kennedy on it, and several ones from different countries. It’s nice to have some reminders of him here.

I had a lot of fun in Baltimore. I got to see a lot of my best friend/her fiance, which was amazing. I love being with them…they’re incredible people. They’ve stood by some of the worst parts of my life, and many of the best. I can’t wait for their wedding. It’s actually in a little over a month. I went to her bridal shower while I was there, and I’m heading back in a few weeks for the bachelorette party. Hopefully that time I can fly and not have to drive 12 hours.

I’m sort of in a funk, and I’m not entirely sure why. I had therapy today and just kind of went blank. I’m happy with things in general, but I also feel stuck. I don’t completely know why. I’m progressing with school, but everything else seems to be weighing me down. Well, even school can do that to me. Now that my three spring semester classes are over, I’m back to working 35+ hours a week. I need the hours, badly, but it is incredibly draining. I also have two summer classes coming up, plus training to be an online crisis text line counselor. That training is up to 5 hours a week, I believe. I want to make time for it, but it’s so hard to come home from work and keep going. It’s nice to come home from work and do nothing for a bit. Or watch Netflix. I miss watching Netflix. How sad.

I got my cat a bow tie collar, and it’s super cute. It’s pink with green fish.

My apartment complex also stepped up today and started really helping us with our rat problem. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that before on here, but it’s been terrible, to the point of my roommate buckling down and writing a very lengthy email to the leasing office. It had dates, pictures, times, etc., backing us up. It was a great email, and apparently it worked. It would be nice to not have rats in our apartment (dead or alive, really). They brought in some poison traps, which they placed throughout our apartment and on the outside of the building. They also said they’d be coming by every day to check on them, as well as talking to the contractor about repairing the holes where they’re getting in. Fingers crossed that this all works.

I wanted to bring home some of my journals from Baltimore, but there wasn’t enough room. I have a million journals from over the years (since I’ve always journaled, but it was amplified by having way too much time in treatment). Some of the entries I skimmed over were memories I don’t recall, which is frustrating and weird for me. For example, apparently I ran and hopped over the fence at a residential treatment center I was at several years ago. I only came back when they threatened to call 911. I don’t recall any of this. Eventually I will get them all down to Georgia with me, but I really needed the room in my car for more important things.

I’ve also decided that my favorite thing to eat right now is an egg/avocado with olive oil on toast. If you haven’t tried it, do it, because it’s awesome.

Okay, I need to go to bed soon. Signing off.

-May 16, 2017

Could I Be Any More Tired???

I don’t know how to begin this, because I’m more tired than I’ve been in a long time, so we’ll just dive in.

I have worked Thursday through today, and I work tomorrow. I suppose it’s not that many days in a row, but it feels like it. I am drained.

Last week I had my final exam for my communications class. I needed 35 points to get an A, and somehow I got that.

Today was my final exam for my zoology class. Somehow I managed an 85% on the final exam, which is better than any other test grade I’ve gotten all semester, and not at ALL what I was expecting. So I got two A’s this semester, and one B. That is more than good enough for me.

I’d like to say, hurray I’m free!!…but I’m not. I have summer classes. Not entirely sure when they begin, but I know it’s coming soon.

After my long ass shift tomorrow, I will probably take an extended nap. I haven’t been feeling well the past few days, but I haven’t actually gotten sick, so…who knows. It just feels like I’m going to, constantly. My boss has a stomach flu (but came into work anyway), so let’s just hope I’m not picking that up.

I leave for Baltimore really early Wednesday morning, and I’m super excited! Not entirely thrilled about the 12 hour drive, but you know, it’s worth it. My trips to Baltimore always go by too quickly, so I’m hoping this one doesn’t (though I know it will). My boyfriend is coming with me, so he gets to meet basically everyone.

I’ve been watching a new show on the side, since I’ve finished all the other shows I’ve been watching. I’m now watching Lie To Me, which is super good, but I don’t think it has that many seasons. I try really hard not to look at the number of seasons when I start a show. It’s discouraging, usually.

Work is still difficult. My regional manager came in the other day to “check in”, which ended in me almost crying. My coworker, my boss and I had a pretty good talk about it, though, which really helped. At least I feel supported by them.

It’s only 6:19pm, but I’m probably going to bed soon. I just wanted to update.

Let’s pray I can wake up to open.

-May 8, 2017