This World

This world frustrates me. On a constant basis. Whether it’s my friends being shot down by idiot boys who need to realize when they have something awesome, or my workplace constantly pointing out everything I do wrong.

I don’t enjoy living this way.

I feel like I try so, so hard at work. I try to do everything right, but obviously that’s not always going to happen. And then every time I do something wrong, it’s pointed out. I can’t take it anymore. It’s never, ‘oh good job on that whatever’…it’s always, ‘in the future, you really should do ___’. I am one who likes to learn from my mistakes. But I am also a firm believer in praise as well as criticism. I will resent you, like I do now, if all you tell me is criticism.

I hate that I’m even scared to type these words, in fear that someone will read it and alert my work. I shouldn’t be scared to vent my frustrations. But I am. In this world, you’re always wrong, and they’re always right (when it comes to work).

I don’t know how long I can take this for. I need to transfer, or something. I feel obligated to work at Starbucks until I finish my degree, now that I’m doing their tuition reimbursement plan. It’s a really good opportunity, and if I don’t do it, I will be in a lot more debt that I already am. But can I really take this pressure for much longer? Three years longer, to be exact?

I hate that I dread work. I hate that I’ve grown to be cynical of the place I once used as an escape. Starbucks used to be my safe place. Now I don’t even like being in one. I just feel the pain radiating.

Is it possible to look forward to your job? Without getting a degree in something you’re passionate about? I wish I could afford to work less…take more time to do things I love. I feel like my life revolves around that place. Revolves around each paycheck. No matter how hard I work, the paycheck still sucks.

I’m diving lower and lower in my bank account. I don’t have much room to mess around. Whatever comfort space I had in the account, it’s gone. Which makes me more miserable. I work hard and then have to sit at home watching Netflix every single night, because I’m scared of spending money out that I might need for something more important.

I feel lonely. I do spend most of my time not at work alone. If I’m not with my boyfriend, I’m with my cat. I like my alone time, but it’s getting depressing. I want to be around people, but I don’t. I want to be happy, but it’s hard to maintain.

I just wish I knew what to do.

-May 23, 2017

Liking Self Vs. Liking Life

I’ve been going through my old altered books today. If you’ve been to Sheppard Pratt Center for Eating Disorders, you know what that is. If you haven’t been there, maybe you still might know what it is. It’s actually a pretty good coping strategy. You take an old book (I’ve always preferred bigger books)…you cut things out from magazines and glue them in, draw in it, write in it, etc. You take an old book and make it your story.

Since I’m not that great at art, and art groups always kind of sucked for me, I would prefer to work on my altered books (most of the time).

The main reason I’m bringing it up is because I found a paper taped in one of them that spoke to me.

It’s a list of 67 “confessions” that I suppose those with eating disorders, or even anxiety/depression, can relate to. I starred the ones I had felt applied to me at the time. I will admit, I’m not sure what time period we’re looking at here…but it’s from SP, so sometime between 2009-2015. Probably closer to sometime in the early/middle years.

One of the confessions I starred was this:

“I wish that I didn’t hate myself but at the same time, I don’t know how it would feel to like myself.”

Earlier today, I was showing my therapist some of the books. There’s several pages dedicated to fear foods, skinny models, weight loss quotes from magazines, self-harm-related things, etc. She asked me how it felt to look at all of this. I said it felt weird. It’s kind of surreal, because I’m no longer in that place.

I can’t say I’m completely over my eating disorder, because I’m not. And honestly, I don’t believe that I ever will be completely rid of it. The thoughts still occur, but they’re different now, and more sporadic. They’re more manageable. They’re not the same.

But when I read this quote, something struck me about it. If I am being completely honest, I still don’t know what it feels like to like myself.

I don’t think I hate myself anymore, but I don’t like myself either. Where does that leave me? In a state of confusion, really. I’m in a state of…I just don’t like myself. I don’t like the way I come off, or the awkwardness I can carry. I don’t like my inability to confront people on things that need to come to light. I don’t like that I hardly ever stand up for myself, yet I’m totally willing to stand up for everyone else.

I like my love for animals, though when I say that, I automatically think about how it turns people off. They think I’m weird, because I love animals so much.

I don’t even know what else I like about myself. If I could, I’d change a lot. I like the people in my life, and I like the love I can give and receive. I like several qualities of my life. But I don’t like myself.

It’s strange, really. I thought in the process of recovery, one of the goals was to learn to love yourself. I haven’t really learned that. I’ve learned how to follow through with actions that compliment loving myself, such as eating, drinking water, working hard at school/work, and being social. I’ve made a lot of accomplishments, like paying for school, getting promoted, having my own apartment/moving out. But that doesn’t mean anything about myself.

I guess it would be logical to like yourself for making all these accomplishments. But it’s not true.

Does anyone else relate?

-May 18, 2017

Ponder Question Nov. 8

Question to Ponder: If you could say a sentence which the whole world could hear, what would you say?

Answer: Before we say what immediately pops into our minds as a comeback, we need to stop and think about what the other person might be going through.

Reasoning: Most people say rude things to hurt others (physically or emotionally), or to “put them in their place”. How do you know that that person didn’t just lose a loved one, or maybe has trauma issues, or maybe was brought up a different way than you? How do you know that person is thinking about themselves, or others? How do you know if that person isn’t debating between continuing their life, or ending it? Answer? You won’t, unless you ask. And even if you do ask, you still might not find out the truth. I try to remember this theory when I am dealing with someone who rubs me the wrong way. I might not know this person’s life, and I certainly don’t know everything that’s going on inside them right now. Hateful words and actions do just that- they hurt. What they don’t do is help.

I believe in giving that person the benefit of the doubt before just bringing them down.

-November 8, 2016

(Oh, and happy voting day, I suppose.)

Pondering on Life

Question to Ponder: If you were told you had a terminal illness and had six months to live. What three things would be most important for you to do?

Number one- I would let all of my loved ones know that, wherever I end up, I’ll still love them no matter what. I don’t want them to think I’d be disappointed in them, or angry, or not recognize them as they change through life. If you’re important enough to me that I’m saying this to you, then I love you no matter what.

^^I say this because when my dad passed away, I promised him several things. Many of them didn’t turn out as planned. I broke those promises, and felt guilty for so long. I thought my dad would be so disappointed in me for all of my “failures”. I’ve spent a long time hating myself for not being the amazing person he saw in me.

Number two- I would visit Chincoteague, VA. Maybe even move there. It is my favorite place in the entire world. I would love to feel the peace there.

Number three- I would hand-write notes for my loved ones. Something they could keep forever. Though it’s so rare, I love finding things my dad wrote. His handwriting is comforting to me. It makes me feel connected to him.

Maybe these aren’t typical responses, but that’s what I think I would do. I don’t care about stuffing my face with every amazing food, or jumping out of a plane, or standing on a cliff. I just want to do things that will not only matter to me, but matter to my loved ones.

I think I feel differently than most about this question because of my dad. I’ve learned too young what matters in this realm, and what doesn’t (to me).

-November 3, 2016

Pick a Job

Question to Ponder: If you could do any job, what would you like it to be?

If I could do any job…I think, if I could do it, I would want to be a vet. I love animals, and it would be awesome to be able to care for them like that. I can’t do it, because my memory is terrible and I wouldn’t be able to (emotionally) put animals to sleep…but I would love to be able to.

I also like the idea of working in a “cat café”. They’re creating one in Atlanta, and I think I would be perfect for it. I’ve already been a barista for 3.5 years, and I love cats…what more do I need? 😉

I’m honestly still trying to figure out what I’m able to do as a career. I would love to write all day, but I can’t count on that being enough to support myself. My major is still English at the moment, but I’m not sure where I’m going with that. I still need to figure it all out.

Hopefully I can do that, soon.

-October 17, 2016

Questions To Ponder: #1

So I found a website today with several questions to “ponder”. I will now try to answer each one (unless I really hate one, then I probably won’t).

Today’s question to ponder: If you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?

I think I would spend the day sitting around with the people I love most. I wouldn’t want to go anywhere…I feel like that’s a bit of a waste. I do think I would want to be outside. Hopefully it’s fall, because fall is the best. The earliest stage, mostly. Anyway. I would sit around with my loved ones, talking. Talking about their futures. I would tell them any bits of wisdom that come up…which probably wouldn’t be much. I haven’t really lived all that long, frankly. I would make any amends I felt compelled to make…though at this point, there aren’t several that come to mind. I would basically want to spend the day trying not to focus on the fact that tomorrow won’t happen. I don’t want to sit around and cry, or comfort people. Maybe I wouldn’t even tell people. Who knows.

I would cuddle with my kitty. She is the best. I would have to find someone who could love her as much as I do. That would probably be my brother.

I would write. I like writing (obviously). Maybe I would write some letters. Write about my life. Write about whatever came to mind.

I just imagine myself sitting outside, closing my eyes, and feeling the breeze against my skin. Nothing feels too awful when I’m being one with nature.

Lots of kitty cuddles, though. Lots.

-Sunday October 2, 2016