Catching Up On Stuff

Another day goes by, and here we are.

Things have been stressful lately, but thankfully not every day has been panic-inducing. I haven’t had to take my anxiety PRN medication every single day, and that’s good for me (these days).

I feel like a lot of my anxiety occurs in the afternoon/evening/nighttime. Things just start getting into my head, I start obsessing, and there’s no turning back. I’m not entirely sure how to stop obsessing, but I’m trying to work on it.

I’ve been doing things that really aren’t healthy for me lately, like smoking weed and eating whatever shit I feel like. I weighed myself for the first time in forever the other day. Thankfully I wasn’t too shocked/upset by the number (it was kind of what I expected). I know that my body right now doesn’t gain weight very easily. However, I realize that I can’t live my life like this regardless. My diet isn’t very healthy or thought through, and I think I’d like to make more of an effort to make it better…or at least put some thought into it besides whatever I’m craving in that moment. To be clear, this is not ED-motivated. This is purely for the reason that I want to live a healthy lifestyle and eating healthfully is a part of that.

Smoking is something I’d like to stop also. Or at least not do as much. I’ve had a really bad cough for the past two weeks, and whether it’s from smoking or not, it’s hard to think it isn’t. I feel like shit all the time, and I’m tired, and I don’t like feeling like bingeing when I smoke. Smoking helps me sleep, but I’m also on medicine for sleep, so maybe I can try to make that work instead.

At the same time, I still wish I didn’t have to be on so much medication. The amount of pills I take is kind of ridiculous. I have tried semi-recently to come off of some medication, and it didn’t work out. My psychiatrist ended up increasing it back to where it was originally. Maybe one day I can at least come of something…

The craving to move out of Georgia is getting real. The summer heat is something I can’t stand. Wearing my hair in a bun every day and sweating my body weight by standing outside is not at all appealing. I hate it. I want fall, or cold, or something. Bleh.

I have two job interviews coming up this week, and I’m interested to see how they turn out. The first on Monday is actually with another coffee store, but a local shop (instead of a big corporation). I think that could be interesting. On Wednesday I have an interview with an answering service. The answering service one would just be taking phone calls and making appointments. Kind of boring, but also more predictable and reliable. Coffee shops aren’t always reliable for getting the hours you need. Case in point- I tried to transfer to a Starbucks closer to my house (so I could actually make money off being promoted). My boss had a talk with me, told me she would give me the hours I needed…and for the next two weeks I have less than 30 hours each week (which is not at ALL what I can afford living off of by working there). I hate that it’s becoming like this with Starbucks. I’ve always loved this company and what they stand for. I’ve had so much fun learning new things, growing with my stores, and being surrounded by generally awesome people. Starbucks is growing more and more into something I’m not recognizing. Something not appealing to me. Something not appealing to many baristas, actually. Still love you Starbucks, but we may need to part ways.

I have decided to change my major to early childhood education (for the time being). I’m going to go to my local community college again instead of Arizona State Online, because online classes are NOT meant for me. I miss Georgia Highlands, actually. They’re an incredible school. Sadly I can’t go there for much longer (since they only have an Associate’s degree for my major interests). I might as well go there while I can, though. I’ll be taking four classes in the fall, if everything goes as planned. I might have to be going to school Monday-Thursday, which I know will be a pain in the ass, but I need to do it. And I can’t figure out a class schedule that only has classes on two specific days, so here we are.

I have been exhausted every day lately, so I’m probably going to bed soon. It’s 9:18pm right now. But I’ve also been awake since 3:15am for work this morning. I think I should get to go to bed soon.

Peace and love ❤

-July 21, 2017

 

 

What Was On The Tip of My Tongue

Today at work, two of my coworkers were talking about diets. I’ve gotten more used to tuning out this sort of talk, since I work at Starbucks/this kind of talk happens all the time. I usually respond to their diet in my head with the wealth of information passed onto me by dietitians over the years. No, your no-carb diet isn’t going to work out…carbs are energy and you’re going to feel like shit when you eat ____ calories a day. No, using a shit ton of splenda when you can’t have sugar is probably not that great either. But go ahead, have fun with that.

Seriously though, you can’t eat fruits or vegetables because they have sugar and carbs? Really?

Okay, I’m done commenting. Moving on to my main point.

They were talking about how much weight they’ve gained, what they used to look like, what they want to look like. And then they crossed the line.

“I would kill to look like Carly”.
“Yeah, I know, right?”

Hi, 24 year old with an eating disorder here. You’d kill to look like me? I am killing myself to look like me.

Granted, they probably don’t know what I’ve been through. I am open (to a point) with my coworkers. I talk about my struggles and my past, but I’m not really the one to bring it up. I don’t go into much detail, but I’m honest.

I don’t think they knew what they were saying. But I so wish I could have spoken up.

I think society needs a reality check. Many people believe that being underweight is a goal, or it’s healthy, or it’s just something that everyone should be striving for. Just as being overweight can have its complications…so can being underweight.

I believe this upset me so much today because of how much I’ve been struggling lately. It’s not helpful to hear compliments, or hear people say they envy my body. I know in reality that I am torturing my body trying to get it to reach the point that my eating disorder deems “acceptable”. When people say these things, it’s adding fuel to the fire that is the ED. It confirms that my actions are necessary. It confirms that my behaviors are just. And it angers me, all at the same time.

I don’t want people to envy a disordered being. I don’t want people even looking at me like that. I am not a goal you should reach.

I am not okay.

I grew up watching America’s Next Top Model in my teen years. I posted the pictures of the girls on my walls. I wanted to look like them.

They were not healthy. They were not goals I should have been trying to conquer or achieve.

I understand the desire to live a healthy lifestyle. I understand that dieting can be necessary or beneficial. But not when you have other people’s bodies as your goal. Not when you are cutting out important food groups that are necessary for your body to function efficiently.

You will never look exactly like me. I will never look exactly like you. We are all different. Two people can be the same weight and look completely different. That never ceases to amaze me, but it’s the truth.

Go ahead, set goals for yourself. It is important to do that. But do not set my body as your goal.

It was painful to hold all this back today. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell them just how much I’ve been struggling lately, and that the conversation wasn’t helpful.

And I didn’t, because it wasn’t the right time, it wasn’t the right place, and I know it wasn’t said maliciously.

I just wish they knew.

-January 21, 2017

Choose, Or Act

“Our greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another”. -William James

Sorry William, I’m going to have to disagree.

When I am stressed, I cannot choose my thoughts. I cannot ignore the thoughts screaming at me, “WHAT ARE YOU EATING FOR DINNER WHEN ARE YOU EATING IT WHERE ARE YOU EATING”, nor can I ignore the thoughts screaming, “YOU HAVE NO MONEY YOU ARE BROKE HOW WILL YOU PAY THIS BILL HOW WILL YOU GET GAS WHEN IS THE NEXT PAYCHECK”. Mix that with all the other screaming thoughts, and you’ve got my brain at any given moment.

I try to talk myself down in one area of stress, only to be bothered by another. My brain is a total freaking mess, most days. I don’t handle stress well, nor have I ever. Hence the eating disorder, depression, anxiety, PTSD, borderline personality, etc.

I am a mess. And yes, it’s exhausting. But my greatest weapon against this stress, personally, is connection.

Connection for me includes such things as: people, Netflix, cats, bed, yoga, hiking, Facebook, Instagram, snapchat, movies, writing, books, etc. In other words, my “connection” doesn’t necessarily need to be with another human being. While, yes, that is generally helpful, it’s not always in my best interest. Sometimes I do need that time away from the outside world. I was not meant to be a social butterfly all the time (or half the time). That’s just not me.

I can connect with my emotions through yoga or hiking. I enjoy both, and both make me feel good about myself. Exercise does relieve stress to some degree. It feels pretty damn good to run, even if it’s only for a few minutes at a time. It’s an accomplishment for me, and for those few minutes that my body lets me run, I am just ecstatic about that ability. My heart no longer gives off feelings of a heart attack, so that’s amazing.

I can make myself smile, laugh, or get drawn in to a movie, documentary, or TV show on Netflix. For that hour, couple of hours, whatever, I am relaxing and enjoying myself. It’s an even better treat when I am in the middle of a TV series, because I’ve been most likely looking forward to my Netflix time for days. Stress over Greys Anatomy beats my own life stress any day.

Facebook, snapchat, Instagram, and social media in general help me connect to people I don’t text every day. I realize a lot of people fear being pulled in, or “losing time”, but I kind of like it. I enjoy knowing a general idea of what friends/acquaintances are going through at the moment. I can see someone’s pictures, know what they’re having fun with in life. I can read their statuses, see what’s on their minds that day. I just like knowing that they’re okay, and that they’re happy. If not, I can try to offer support. I just don’t think social media is completely a waste of time.

Writing. Writing relieves stress for me. I love writing. I sometimes develop stress if I’m being judged, graded, or criticized over my writing…but other than that, it’s a wonderful release. Words flow for me when I sit down to write (even when I think I’ve got nothing).

Books. Books are like movies for me. I’m in that zone, that alternate world. It’s very nice to be in that world, rather than mine.

So, ultimately, my life activities are my weapons against life stress. School will be there for a long while. Jobs/working will be there for a longer while. Bills will always be there. Hurt feelings will be around often. All stress comes and goes in waves (sometimes stronger, sometimes less aggressive). Some things in life are a choice, and some seem handed to you. So for me, instead of pretending I can block stress and “choose” it away, I’ll de-stress with my activities and pick back up again later.

(No hate intended on this person’s quote…I’m just writing what popped into my head.)

-September 19, 2016