Those Siblings, Though

I’m pretty sure life will never cease to amaze me. Whether it be in a good way, or a bad way, unexpected things happen which change the course of everything.

This time, it’s a good thing. My brother did something for me over the weekend that was totally unexpected, and I’m just amazed at the goodness people have in their hearts. Like I have always said to everyone, having so many siblings in the best thing I could have ever asked for. They’ve always been there for me, always stood behind me, always caught me when I was falling, always loved me when I was convinced I was unlovable. One of my brothers was the first person to come when I had my bad overdose a few years back, when my mom wouldn’t come. I love having them in my life for all of the things I’ve said, all of the advice they’ve given me, and overall just the companionship of having someone there for you. I’ll never take it for granted.

Things at work kind of go from good to bad, depending on the day. Today really wasn’t so bad. I only have to work one more day, then I’m off Monday-Wednesday. Tuesday night is a concert my boyfriend is really looking forward to, so I am too. It’s his favorite band, and he’s excited to see all his friends/introduce me to them. I’m excited to sleep in a little bit. I’m pretty tired today. I open tomorrow, so at least the work day will go by semi-quickly.

Frappuccino happy hour is coming soon. I’m not looking forward to it. Sorry to all of you who really enjoy it- I know I did before I worked at Starbucks. But it’s a pain in the ass. Lol. At least the frappuccinos they have out this year are pretty good. One is the smores, which is my personal favorite frappuccino, and they’ve also got a mint mocha frappuccino. That’s actually pretty good as well.

I went to a vegetarian restaurant with my brother last night in Atlanta, and it was so good!! I really wish they had more of those further up where I am. It’s about a 45 minute drive to where he is, so not something I want to do every time I want to go out to eat. It’s hard to eat vegetarian sometimes at restaurants. There’s not many options, which kind of sucks. But overall, I have felt a lot better physically since I stopped eating meat. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but my therapist has been telling me about Eating For Your Blood Type (the book). It’s pretty accurate.

I think that’s about all I have to update on. Just going to have a relaxing night. I ordered take out and it’s time for Netflix.

-April 29, 2017

That God Effect

Apparently I have angels protecting me.

I got into my fifth car accident yesterday (my second in a row with someone without insurance). I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me. None of the accidents have been my fault (although yesterday’s I feel partially to blame for).

I was trying to turn left (in a center turn lane)…the person to the left of me stops and waves me over, so I go. A guy came flying down the other lane, swerved to avoid hitting me and ended up hitting two other cars. One was a pregnant woman’s, and one was a couple’s. So we all turn into the parking lot I was originally trying to enter. Guy gets out of his car, starts crying and screaming at me (the screaming lasted a good while). I call 911, which by the way, it took them 30+ seconds to answer. 911 was ringing. Who even knew that was a thing?? How can 911 be ringing for that long without someone answering it?

Anyway. It took the police another 20-25 minutes to actually get there (which also was surprising to me). I was hysterical for awhile due to the guy screaming at me. He told me it was all my fault, his car was totaled, it was his only prized possession, he just got a job and now won’t be able to get to work, that he doesn’t have insurance and now he’s probably going to jail…just basically reminding me of what a piece of shit he thinks I am. Yes, I do feel some blame for this accident (since I was turning left), but at the same time, he shouldn’t have been going 50 in a 35, and he shouldn’t be driving without insurance.

The woman and the couple were talking to me for awhile. They weren’t really that upset, just thankful that everyone was okay/that nobody got hurt. One of the women told me that if he hadn’t swerved, his car would have t-boned mine and I could have gotten really hurt. She told me I had angels protecting me, and that actually made me cry even more.

It’s crazy to me…earlier in the day yesterday, I saw someone’s post on Facebook thanking God for not leaving them when they had left God several times. That had sparked my thought, but I didn’t carry on with the idea too much after that. But after the car accident…I don’t know. I’ve been in five accidents in the past four-ish years. I haven’t gotten hurt in any of them. If my car had been damaged in this accident, I could have potentially lost my car (since it’s considered totaled already from my last accident). Then I’d be spending thousands on a car (which I’m not fully capable of doing quite yet, financially). Sometimes I don’t understand why in each accident I’ve experienced, I have walked away perfectly fine (minus some anxiety/hysterics).

As I was thinking about this yesterday, it made me think of my dad. My dad bought me this car, which is part of the reason I’m hanging on to it for so long. Maybe he is my angel, watching me and protecting me. My dad always protected me as best he could. I believe he has been with me through each accident, making sure I’m okay.

As well as God. I am alive today, when there have been far too many reasons that I should be dead. I’ve nearly killed myself over and over, been in situations where I probably should have gotten more hurt than I did…but I am alive. I am perfectly fine. There has to be a reason for that. Luck, fate, whatever, should say otherwise. They all point to a much worse outlook. I think God has been there for me, even when I have abandoned him.

I don’t know where this thought/journey will take me, but I need to find a way to improve this relationship, whatever that may look like.

-March 22, 2017

When You Read a Book That Sparks a Light Inside of You

I bought a book the other day from Barnes and Noble. Well, I bought several, but this one was read first. It’s called, “The Princess Saves Herself In This One” by Amanda Lovelace. While there are several pages I have tagged, and I did make a word document out of all my favorite passages/quotes, I think I’ll talk about these two today:

Pages 96-97: Fuck the idea that there is such a thing as destiny, that there exists some kind of mysterious master plan, that there is a god who simply does not give us anything we cannot handle. The pain did not make me a better person. It did not teach me not to take anything for granted. It did not teach me anything except how to be afraid to love anyone. I am far too young to be so goddamn broken & if I could go back in time & give myself her childhood back, I would. –what was the point?

Page 142: I let myself know that my life doesn’t have to be over just because theirs are & I went ahead & painted the sun back into my sky. –I am allowed to live my life

I’ve been working on this a lot- living my life even though my dad can no longer live his. Living my life despite the fact that several people have lost theirs in the past few years. Living my life despite the fact that I have no idea why it was them and not me.

I’ve always been so angry with the world about this topic. Why did God take my dad? There was no good reason. No one can argue with me that, like she said, there is some “greater plan”. I bought into that for a bit. I believed that there was some reason for everything, some explanation I wasn’t aware of. I thought, maybe it’s (I don’t have a good word, because “tolerable” and “okay” are not it…so fill in that blank yourself), because now my parents aren’t fighting. I don’t have to live a life at home in constant fear. I don’t have to feel on-edge at every moment, because there won’t be any more of the screaming, the banging, the tears, the wasted energy…the hope that maybe one day it’ll stop. Because it has. It has stopped. Silence has greeted this house, for once.

Then the battle began- did I do this? Every year, when I blew out my birthday candles, I wished my parents would stop fighting. I went to bed hoping that tomorrow, things would change. That the chaos would cease.

I battled feeling like God misinterpreted my prayers, to telling myself that I’m really not that important/this can’t be my fault, to being angry with God for doing this, to disbelief in any higher power listening to me anyway.

And that’s where I remain now.

It’s hard for me to believe in any higher power loving me, taking care of me, watching over me, or giving any justice in this world. My dad was a good person. He was smart, he was funny, and no, I will not agree that it was “his time”. He could have done so much more in this world.

I spent years trying to work through this mess. I nearly killed myself in the process. Yes, I am “together” today, for all intents and purposes. I’m alive. I have learned things. But I feel like I could have learned them another way. It doesn’t take my dad dying to make this happen.

People die- that’s life. I understand that concept. But I don’t agree with how it happened for me. I don’t agree with a lot of deaths that happen. It’s not fair. And no, I don’t care that that is a childish statement. Sometimes, it’s just not.

I had to learn the second quote eventually, though. I had to let go of a lot of that anger, the “it’s not fair” attitude. While that statement remains true, I learned I cannot live out that statement. I cannot ruin my life based on the fact that it wasn’t fair that my dad died.

I still hold some of that anger inside of me. It’s extremely difficult to ditch all of it. And I did learn that I have to “paint the sun back into my sky”. I can’t live my life in anger with something that I can never personally change. I can’t will my dad back to life…but I can progress in my own life and try to make him proud.

Sometimes I forget that intention. The more I was sucked into the eating disorder, the more I believed I had already disappointed my dad- and there was no way out. I imagined him looking down on me, wishing I wasn’t his daughter. Or worse, not even recognizing me.

I was someone completely different after he died. And I am someone completely different now. Some things stay the same, and I know he can see that. All things I learned from him…people-watching, cat loving, getting lost in books, writing poetry…they’re still there. And I’m proud of that. And if I’m proud of that, I think he would be too.

My dad was an amazing person, when it comes down to it. I got the pleasure of spending 16 years with him. While I have a long list of regrets, I always have the love in my heart that I need to believe he can feel. I choose to believe that if he knocked on my door today, we would smile together instead of feeling shame.

I still don’t agree that death like this is necessary…but the ability to keep going despite it, is.

-February 22, 2017

 

Because We Don’t Need To Be Alone

I, by myself, am not a powerful person. I cannot take sole credit for my accomplishments, nor my downfalls. I did the actions, I made the choices, and what happens is my responsibility. But in this life…we are here together.

I spent a lot of my time in the past several years feeling very alone. I felt that those who could understand more clearly what I felt, didn’t have the answers that I sought. We all felt miserable. We all wished for change. We all felt stuck. None of us, sitting inpatient, had the key to “success”. Nobody really had a lasting answer for what I had to do to be able to eat something without feeling like absolute shit.

My loved ones and those around me could tell me things all day. You’re beautiful already. You don’t need to lose weight. You don’t need to punish yourself. You are a good person. You have so much to live for. You can do this.

As much as I was told that, “I can do this”, I felt none of it. I felt paralyzed by the disorder that I unwillingly gave permission to to run my life.

Sometimes I wonder where it really began. Was it wanting to be a model? Looking up to the thin girls on America’s Next Top Model? Was it the fighting that happened at the dinner table that took away my appetite? Was it the fact that I was constantly pointed out as being “the skinny one”, like that was my only claim to fame? Or was this bound to happen, one way or another?

Maybe all of it. Maybe none of it. Either way, it happened.

Anorexia didn’t slowly take over my life. It swooped in, told me it was my savior, and tried to cling on as long as it could. If certain things hadn’t have happened the way they did, anorexia would have taken my life.

That was always it’s goal. To run me into the ground. Because, like it convinced me, “I wasn’t needed here”.

I felt strong isolation while amidst my disorder, even though the world is full of people. Many say the world is over-populated by people. So, why couldn’t I see that? Why wouldn’t I see that?

My behaviors stemmed from messages I received or interpreted throughout my life. I began to believe the disorder more than my friends and family. I worshiped anorexia like a relentless god.

And one day, years into the battle…I looked over, and there were the people. The people who were tired of watching this battle, tired of watching me die. People who stopped trying to say what they always say, because I wouldn’t listen.

I heard them, but I didn’t believe them. A hundred people could tell me I have worth, but the one voice that told me I didn’t, I believed. The disorder.

It takes a lot to really, truly listen to the other people around you. To try with all your might to take what they have to say into consideration. To not immediately fight their words in your head. To give the thought that, maybe they aren’t trying to hurt me, a chance.

We need each other. I thought I was better alone, not hurting the rest of the world. If I sectioned myself off, I wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone. I wouldn’t cause them any more pain.

What I didn’t consider was anything positive I had to offer. I believed there was nothing. But I also believe that everyone is here for a reason. It was so much easier for me to say that to the rest of my peers in treatment…but me? Nope.

Every person has value. Every person has reason. Things, situations, lead us astray. But we will always have something to offer.

I am a good listener. I love to write, and believe it’s my best method of communication. I love animals, and want to help save them from being put down for no reason. I aim to protect, and build up…not to crush or put down.

These traits are necessary in this world. If I died years ago, who would be the one with my boyfriend right now? Who would be the one in college, speaking up for the rights of others? Who would be writing what I could have written, reaching people in some form? Who would be my best friend’s best friend? Who would take the place of my mom’s daughter?

I am supposed to be here, because I am still here. I could have died many times throughout the past 24 years, and I didn’t. You, reading this right now…you are reading this for some purpose. Maybe you find nothing helpful from it, but you’re reading it anyway.

Maybe I can help that other person. Maybe you can. Without us, we’d all break. Think about the people you love most. Do they have purpose? Why wouldn’t you?

Beauty comes from the fight. I aim to spread what beauty I can. There needs to be people out there who have made it through. Who can help those who haven’t yet. Who can try with everything they have…because that has meaning. It means that not only have I made it through, but I made it through to be here right now, helping you.

We don’t know what the future brings. It will probably bring both pain and triumph. What I’m getting at is, I can no longer merely survive, trying to find a way out, to avoid the pain. Pain can later have some purpose, if you can make it. Maybe to help someone. Maybe to give you strength for other things that are thrown at you. Maybe to show others that people do survive.

This notion doesn’t make things less painful as they’re thrown at you. But it does give a reminder that not everything needs to crush you. Not everything is meant to kill.

We need each other. A solitary life is not one that can last. We are stronger together. And I won’t give up.

For Someone In Mind

Sometimes life doesn’t go our way

But that doesn’t mean that we cannot stay

It’s hard to reach out, to ask for a hand

Because from our perspective, nobody really understands

What we go through when we’re stuck in the ditch

And our meaning to life has become but a glitch

We weren’t meant to stay this long

When the others have found theirs, we still lack our song

The lies are convincing when they tell us to leave

The truth is behind the door, but we cannot believe

That opening ourselves to what they say

Will make anything better, or make us want to stay

I cannot tell you why I opened that door

I cannot explain why I found the strength to look for more

It comes to a point, where it’s do or die

Where you have to let go of that soul-crushing cry

Let the cry fill the silence, let your tears keep you warm

You’re braver than before now, you’ll weather the storm

Just one last try; just give it your all

Because if you don’t succeed, you have no room left to fall

When I tell you a tomorrow will be better than today

You may not believe me, or any “truth” that I may say

So until you do, I will be here to hold you hand

I will be by your side, through it all, so that you too can understand

There will be a tomorrow that is better than today

There will be a tomorrow where you actually want to stay

There will be a tomorrow where you will no longer fear

And until you find that tomorrow, I promise I’ll be here.

-December 26, 2016

Some Maybe Meaningful Gibberish

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While I don’t remember this photo being taken, and that’s pretty sad, I’ve come to believe this is one of the best.

I always feel free when I can smell the saltwater…feel the sun on my skin, the sand on my feet. I feel free knowing that in this moment, I am warm, I am free, and that’s all I have to worry about.

I love walking along the shore, searching for broken pieces of seashells. Sometimes I find whole ones, and that’s nice…but the broken pieces are everywhere.

Ohhh look a metaphor 😛

We’re all broken. I don’t know a single person who is entirely “whole”. We all have something on our minds, something deep down that tears at us. Something we never said, something we never did…whether we can fix it or not, there’s always that something. It takes, in my opinion, many (many) years ans a lot of work to be okay with what didn’t, couldn’t, or wouldn’t happen. Or, in other cases, something that did happen that we didn’t want.

We’re all broken. We’ve all given pieces of ourselves away, hoping the other person will take care of them…take care of you.

Some don’t. Some take those pieces and break them further.

But some do. Some people take those pieces, and hug you closer. They’re genuine. They love you for those pieces, for the ones you still have, for the ones you’ve given away that you can only tell them about.

More to the point. I’m grateful for the people I have in my life right now. I’m grateful that I have been vulnerable with some people, and they haven’t turned away and run. I’m thankful that I got to spend tonight with someone I love, and who loves me for who I am today and who I was at any given point of my life.

I’m grateful for the other night at work. If you read my last post, I was upset that I didn’t get the chance to talk to someone when I felt I was at a low point. Something amazing happened not too long after I posted that. One of the people who yelled at me that night in the drive thru (I work at Starbucks) called the store and apologized for yelling at me. Who does that? He took the time to call, apologize profusely, tell my manager I did nothing wrong, and explain that he wanted to make it right.

I don’t know about anyone else in the customer service-type industry, but for me, that rarely happens. I actually don’t even think it’s happened before (to me).

I’m thankful for those of you who read and respond to my sometimes nonsensical vents and rambles. Thank you for sharing your time with me. That is an honor.

Who said Thanksgiving can’t be every day?

🙂 (Endramblenow)

-December 9, 2016

National Suicide Prevention Week

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National suicide prevention week began yesterday, Monday September 5th, and goes on until this Sunday, September 11th. The “hashtag” this year is, “I Kept Living”.

The topic of suicide seems to still be taboo in today’s world, despite how common it is. Here are some facts you should be aware of, and then I’ll share my take on it.

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in America.
42,773 people die by suicide each year (117 suicides per day).
For each one suicide, there are 25 attempts.

Something you might not be aware of: The rate of suicide is highest in middle-age white men in particular. In 2014, 19.3% of suicides were among people 85 and older, 19.2% were 45-64 years old, and 11.6% were people aged 15-24.

Yes, these stats are terrifying. Yes, they’re uncomfortable. Yes, it is a topic that you don’t bring up usually in the hallway at school.

And yes, we DO need to be aware of it nonetheless.

I am alive. I personally kept living. Living a life where suicide seems like a good option is a terrifying life to live. I felt alone. I hated myself. I hated my presence. I thought my existence was invaluable.

And here is where I will become super vulnerable.

In 2014, I was in the ICU after a major attempt. The doctors didn’t know if I was going to make it for a few days. And you know what? I made it. I’m here.

So many people I interact with in my life today aren’t aware of this. You probably can’t tell from just looking at me. I probably appear to just be another person walking through life. That’s kind of what all people passing by look like, right?

 

It’s intriguing for me to think about the people I pass by every day, but never talk with. Who are they? What’s their story? Can my story be valuable to them? Can their story be valuable to me?

I share these facts and this personal story for the chance alone that it might help someone. One person. Anyone. We cannot live our lives separate or alone. We need to help each other, be there for each other. Tell each other it’s going to be okay, because I didn’t think it would be, but I’m here. I made it, and I’m happy I did.

I have so much more in my life today than I thought I would ever have the day of my attempt in 2014. I know now that I am a worthwhile human being. We all are. As much as joining the world is uncomfortable, many times that’s the key to finding your meaning. Like I keep saying…we need each other.

You are important. You are worthwhile. There IS someone who loves you. I might not know you, you who is reading this right now…but I can guarantee there is something about you that this world needs right now.

Your story isn’t over. You CAN keep living. It’s painful sometimes. It’s not easy sometimes. Sometimes can feel like all the time. But it WILL be worth it. It is going to be okay.

Reach out to someone today, if you can. Tell them you love them. Tell someone their existence means something to you. Tell them now, because that could save them tomorrow.

-Tuesday September 6, 2016

Information from: https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/

https://themighty.com/2016/09/ways-to-get-involved-with-suicide-prevention-week-2016/