It’s The Courage To Continue That Counts…Or So They Say

This world is kind of cruel.

Yesterday was a shit show. Today didn’t turn out much better, either.

I didn’t sleep well, so I’m exhausted now.

School was really difficult, but not in the usual sense. I had my last day of classes today. In communications class, whoever hadn’t gone yet were giving their debate speeches. The final topic of the day was doctor-assisted suicide, or as they phrased it, “dying with dignity”. Many of their examples were obviously people who are terminally ill. The topic combined with the examples brought up a lot for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about my dad, and his death process, and obviously how it affected me. It’s hard to explain, but the feelings emerged again, full-force. That happens sometimes…it’s not a specific memory that triggers the feelings, it’s the feelings from the entire process/experience. They just emerge out of nowhere. No matter how many times I’ve tried to “deal with it” in therapy, sometimes that just happens. It’s hard for me, because there’s no specific reason I’m crying and shaking…I just am. So I don’t always know how to soothe myself.

I suppose a plus for me today was that I chose to reach out to my professor. I don’t even know her that well, but my options were to ask her for help, or go into the hallway and break out in a panic attack in front of everybody. I said, “I know you’re not a therapist, but can I talk to you?”, and she brought me to her office. I was crying and shaking some but it didn’t end in a full on panic attack. That’s pretty good for me. I took the time I needed to calm down, and went on to my next class.

I made a really big move today as well to pay off all of my medical debt. That was a difficult decision to make, seeing as how my debt was extremely high. I have medical accounts in collections dating back to 2011. I couldn’t even tell the lady at one of the companies what my address was at the time for that account. I did live in Florida for one of the accounts, but I a) don’t remember my living there (besides the main fact that I lived there), and b) don’t have a clue what my address was when I lived there. It’s kind of awful. I still can’t get over the fact that I don’t remember my time living there at all. I really don’t understand how this experience was just entirely erased from my memory. My mom has told me the main facts of the situation, but…it’s just weird. I wasn’t having electric shock therapy while I lived there, so I don’t think that’s the reason I don’t remember. Or maybe it is. Maybe it was a delayed thing? I know I did have ECT around the time I lived there (as in before that event and after that event, in the surrounding years). I’ve tried recalling the information several ways in therapy, and none have worked so far.

There’s other events of my life that have been erased somehow. I went to Ireland with my dad/siblings before he died in high school, and sadly I don’t remember that trip at all. That one I really don’t understand, because I didn’t have ECT until about two years after that event (and I hadn’t had it before). I’d just like to know why my brain erased it.

Moving on, though. I’m pretty tired, and hoping tomorrow won’t be shit as well. Until then, I’ll netflix and chill.

I will add, I’ve decided to take advantage of the Starbucks school reimbursement. I was accepted to ASU online for the fall semester. I looked at the classes they provide there, and I can’t wait. They have so many amazing class options! I want to take so many. Maybe I will, just for the heck of it.

That’s all.

-May 1, 2017

Running in Circles

Short Update:

I feel like I’m “back on track” with eating. I put that in quotes because, yes, I am eating “normally”, but I don’t feel good about it. I feel like I am overeating, eating shitty food that isn’t good for me anyway, and eating with no self control whatsoever.

I hate that I always eat when I’m hungry. I hate that this happens multiple times in between meals. I hate that whatever I eat never seems to be enough. I hate that I feel like a slave to my hunger.

I know I’ve gained back some of the weight I’ve lost. I think knowing this is enough to mess with my body image, to extreme proportions. I looked in the mirror tonight and hated what I saw. I see curves…everywhere. I don’t know why my ideal body is that of a child. I try to tell myself I’m 24, I am a woman, and I am supposed to have curves. But that’s kind of like telling myself that the sky is actually orange. It’s not true to me.

Why am I the exception? Why do I get to be different than everyone else? Why do I want to be different than everyone else my age?

I don’t think that I’m better than anyone else in any way. I don’t think I’m completely different than everyone else my age. I have similarities, and I have differences…just like everyone else.

Yet I hold myself to different standards. I impose rules on myself that I would never impose on someone else. I treat myself like I would never treat someone else.

Because it’s me. And I am not comfortable with me.

I wish I could eat without hating myself…because I eat several times a day now. I don’t enjoy the self-loathing that follows every bite of food. I don’t want to spend a majority of my day hating myself for “indulging”…or not being able to stop myself from eating when hungry.

Rationally, I am not over-eating. I am probably eating a fine amount, according to a dietitian or whoever else on my treatment team. So it’s very frustrating when I know this, yet can’t apply it.

I am frustrating myself. What else is new.

-February 17, 2017

What Exactly Is, “Good Enough”?

Things in therapy-land have been kind of rough lately. It’s frustrating for me, because I did start eating again, and I have gained back some of the weight I had lost. But apparently that’s not good enough. My therapist wants me to see a dietitian…I said no, and she said, “You know I can refuse to see you if you don’t comply, right?”. I just hate how I’m trying and, it’s not that it’s not being noticed, but it’s not enough…and there is no way for me to possibly do more right now. She wanted me to go back on the point/exchange system I had at Focus (treatment center)…but as I explained to her, that’s not something I can just do on my own. I wouldn’t know where to begin, or how to progress it, etc. That’s something I’d need a dietitian for. However, I am eating fine, so I don’t think it’s really that necessary. She weighed me even though I told her what I weighed that morning (when I did it myself). After she weighed me, she told me she’s now going to weigh me once a week. It’s just extremely defeating. Not to mention I despise being weighed in the middle of the day. It’s incorrect, and not really that helpful. And she won’t let me see the number, so there’s that. I have no idea what that stupid scale is saying.

I am tired of this stuff. I just want to be left alone.

Work is also giving me some anxiety lately. As I mentioned, my hours are being cut, and I can feel it pay-wise. I’m constantly on edge about having enough money for rent/bills. My new manager also hasn’t confirmed when my training begins, so I’m just hanging out in limbo until they figure it out. I just want more certainty.

All in all, I’m feeling defeated. I’m wondering what the point is in doing well and trying so hard, when it’s never enough. I want things to settle down. I hate this constant anxiety and stress.

And I’m really tired this morning, which doesn’t help. I have a full day of school and I’m not looking forward to it.

Sorry for the negativity. I’m just in a weird place.

-February 15, 2017

And Now, There’s This…

Today I was offered a promotion. I haven’t told many people…my coworkers don’t know. I have until Monday to decide.

I’m going to talk to my boss about it tomorrow…I just don’t know what to do. I’m not in a place mentally to take it. My treatment team is talking about inpatient- as much as I fight with them, and tell them no, I have to be realistic and know that they do have that power. I can say I’m fine all I want, but that is still my reality. If I take this promotion, then have to up and leave…will I even have a job left?

I’d have to leave my coworkers. They’re my favorite people. I love them…I look forward to seeing them every day. They’ve become some of my best friends. Would that be the same at another store? Would they like me there too?

I could work less with this promotion. I could work 25-30 hours instead of 35-40. It’s a huge difference. The store is also further away. I’d be driving 30-35 minutes, versus my current 16-19 minutes. I have to take that somewhat into consideration.

I’ve worked so damn hard to get to where I am with this job. I’ve been with Starbucks for almost five years. In the beginning, I wasn’t a good employee. I was heavy into my ED and had to leave for medical problems a lot…not to mention weeks off for treatment multiple times. When I moved to Georgia, I told myself it would be different. I wouldn’t be a worthless employee. And I’ve worked really hard to make that a reality.

I want to take this promotion. But if I take it and am forced into treatment, I could potentially lose my job.

And the answer to all of this is: get your shit together. Eat. Just follow a meal plan, increase your intake, and get your damn shit together. I mean, is this really worth it? Is losing weight and restricting worth it?

I’ve acted on my ED for many stupid reasons. I’ve been faced with a lot. I had to leave high school and get my GED because of it. I’ve had to drop out of college after already starting late. I’ve had to say goodbye to friends, make family not want to speak to me…for what?

I still can’t venture to understand what this compulsion is. It’s so confusing and aggravating to me. I know what I need to do. I know I need to do it now. But I can’t get up, go into the kitchen, and just eat.

I’ve always hated that- when someone tells you to “just eat”. It’s not that simple. It never will be.

But I really need to figure out what the answer is.

And what I will do with this now.

-February 2, 2017

Emotion Without Reason

It’s like an ocean wave that’s too late to avoid. You turn around, see this big wave about to crash over you…and all you can do it throw your hands up to try to cover your face…which really does nothing, as the water suffocates you as you try to find air again.

I am feeling overly emotional for no good reason, in other words. It took me hours to fall asleep last night, even though I was emotional and exhausted all day. I cried on the floor at work. CRIED. In front of my coworkers, in front of customers…it was the most embarrassing thing I’ve experienced lately. I had to walk off the floor. When I got home, I tried so hard to fall asleep…and it wouldn’t happen. I was nauseous all day yesterday, but never got sick (which actually was worse, because I just wanted it over with).

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I woke up today feeling okay, but now (once again) I feel like a wreck. This day has hardly imposed anything on me…and I already want to curl up into a ball and cry.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!

This isn’t like me at all. Yes, I do get emotional and overwhelmed…when there is a reason. There is no reason right now. Like I’ve said, this day hasn’t done much of anything to me or for me.

I wish I knew what to do, or why this is happening so I could fix it. I can’t fix it. I don’t know what will help me. When I get this emotional, I like to be alone…and I am alone right now, but that’s not helping.

I’m frustrating. I frustrate myself often. This tops the list of frustrating traits.

And I wish I knew the answer.

-December 17, 2016

The Daily Grind

Let’s be blunt- I am super lonely right now. I’m tired, because I drove all over Georgia today. I’m anxious, because my hunger cues are always set to “Starving”. I’m worried, because my cat got two teeth extracted, and she’s in a lot of pain (and acting differently because of it). I’m dreading working 8.5 hours tomorrow, mostly because I’m super tired right now. I’ve been debating going to bed since 4:30pm.

I’m about to go to bed, honestly. Yes, it’s 7:26pm right now. No shame. Because while I did have an interview today, and that was a great opportunity, my emotions are everywhere and it’s tiring. I just want some peace.

I went to a yoga class two Friday’s ago, and it felt great. I didn’t go last week, because I was tired (imagine that). And now my current exhaustion (and pending work-exhaustion tomorrow) is deterring me from wanting to go this week. I love yoga. I want to go. Why am I this tired?

I wish I could be not lonely, and not tired. Mostly, I’d just like some peace. I’d like to not feel sick to my stomach thinking about my emotions, my life, and my surroundings. I worry about things that aren’t even real yet.

And it always comes back to the food, whether I admit it or not. I’ve had thoughts all day of finding some way to suppress my appetite. My overwhelming hunger is beyond agitating to me. I hate always needing to go eat something. Why isn’t enough, enough? It’s hard for me, because my emotional status usually creates a full-feeling for me. I restrict to make myself feel better…which is why the hunger bothers me so much. I don’t like needing to eat. I want to be the one in control of those things. I don’t want my body reminding me, controlling me. And I speak as if my body isn’t a part of me. Like it’s some foreign object. Because sometimes, it feels that way. Like my head is not connected with the rest of me. Does that make any sense?

I am a super cat lover, and I want my kitty to not be in this much pain. She was purring just a little earlier, while I had my arm around her and bumped heads with her. That’s improvement, at least. She hasn’t made any other noise. That concerns me. She’s usually very vocal.

I know it’s just a matter of time. It just happened yesterday. She needs to be in less pain.

I don’t know anymore. I’m sure things will work out, however they are meant to.

Just felt like I needed to update.

 

As a side note, the fall 2016 school semester is finally over (for real), and I’m content with how I did. I failed math, which obviously is frustrating, but I know there are bigger things in life (and I will really try to do better next time).

Also, this says a lot coming from a perfectionist.

Go recovery.

-December 15, 2016