I’ve been a little absent again. I’m sorry. Things have been crazy lately.

I’ve gone to Baltimore twice in the past month or so, and I’m going back Wednesday-Saturday. Well, Wednesday and Saturday will most likely be spent driving. 12 hours of fun! My dress for the wedding is ready and fits, and I’m super excited for it to happen.

I don’t know if I said this in the last post…I could go check but I’m being lazy. I got a dog, Oliver. So he’s been filling most of my time. He’s eight months old and doing well, but not fully potty trained yet. It’s kind of a nightmare with that. I had him in this mesh enclosure thing I used to transport White Kitty down here to Georgia, but he ended up chewing through it and escaping. I do need to get him a crate, but I’m royally broke right now. This sounds insane but I am trying out a doggy diaper to see if that works at all. It’s mostly just when I’m gone for work that he has accidents. But we’re working on it.

White Kitty has been hiding a lot, which is kind of sad for me. I miss her. She’s taken to hiding in my bathroom cabinet (below the sink), so I made it comfy for her. Pillow, blankets, etc. Hopefully she comes out more soon.

Work has been…work. Busy. Hectic. Stressful. I had a job interview yesterday. It was a culture interview, actually. Second of third; if they like me, I’ll go on to the third (a resume interview). I haven’t heard anything, though. My anxiety has sky rocketed. I wish they would have told me something today. My boyfriend applied to the same job, but he had his interview on a Wednesday (and he heard back Friday). So I suppose I’ll hear back Monday? I guess. He didn’t get chosen, which really sucks. It kind of makes me feel bad. I don’t think I’ll get it, but if I did…I don’t know. I’d always feel self-conscious.

There’s a lot going on with that. Feeling self-conscious. Contemplating if I matter. If my opinion, ideas, or anything I have to say, matters. Does anyone really want to hear me, anyway? People constantly talk over me. Cut into what I’m saying. Why do I even bother speaking? This is why I stopped when I was little. I went silent because nobody heard me anyway. Why keep trying when it’s useless. Nothing I said mattered, nothing I did made anything better. I could wish and pray and hope with all my might, but it would never stop. Until it did, and I blamed myself anyway.

I miss my dad. It’s Father’s Day soon. Everybody coming into Starbucks is buying the Father’s Day gift cards. Tomorrow there’s supposed to be a group of thirty people celebrating fathers coming into the store for their celebration. I don’t want to be there for that, but I don’t have a choice. I ache to feel my dad’s presence again. I ache to feel his touch. I ache to hear his voice. I wish I had him back. And I hate myself for being jealous of other people who do have their dads. I hate that I’m so bitter towards them. There’s no reason for me to be. I’m glad for you if you have your dad. I just miss mine. I don’t wish this upon anyone, though I know it will happen eventually to most.

I hate the hole it’s left inside me. It’s a giant void I feel myself slipping into from time to time. Like right now. It’s a black hole filled with shreds of my broken heart. Desperation, longing, and bitterness reside there. It’s funny how you wish you had someone back, but can’t stand to be around anyone else who is actually here.

They can get it, they can not get it. The point is, nothing anyone ever says will make it better. And I don’t say that in a mean way…it’s just kind of the truth. It feels nice to have people care, and try, but no one can be my father, or bring my father back. No one can tell me why. No one can explain why that was necessary…a reason that would actually make sense to me. Why is it supposedly God’s will for my dad to succumb to cancer? He went out in pain. He left me in pain. Why is God’s will pain?

I wish I had answers. I wanted to be able to go to church…and I actually asked my boss if I could have Sunday’s off for school this coming semester (so that I could go to church in the morning). But she said Sunday’s are tricky, and she needs me to work. I close Saturday nights, so that doesn’t work for church either. Maybe one day I’ll figure something out.

I don’t know why I’m becoming to anti-people lately. It’s like I crave love, I crave having people who care…but I also crave sleep. And being alone. And not bother humanity with my insanity.

I don’t know what I want. But something has to change. This isn’t tolerable.

-June 16, 2017

Heels Suck, Netflix Doesn’t

I’m writing again in hopes that I can bring on some sleep. Watching Netflix isn’t doing the trick. But hey, thankful I am getting to watch a few hours of Netflix anyway.

I had a day off today, though it seemed to go by so quickly. I suppose they always do. I tried to sleep in, but that never works too well. I got to 8:30am and just decided to get up. I almost ran some errands I needed to do, but lost the motivation. It’s just going to the grocery store, so I can do that another day. (I do have food until I go).

I had therapy today, but I didn’t talk about what I needed to talk about. My mom is probably going to be selling our house back in Baltimore within the next few weeks. The one my dad built. The one we all grew up in. It’s one of the last pieces I have of him. I feel like I’m blocking the emotions, though. In the past, when she’s talked about selling it/them knocking it down, it’s been really difficult for me. I don’t want to think about the house being bulldozed and that part of my dad being gone. I think I felt better, because as much as she spoke about selling, it never happened. But now the well has run dry there, and it’s either pay for a new well to be dug (which is too expensive), or sell. She has some company quoting her this week on what they’d give her for the house/land. Mostly the land, I suppose. It’s a really nice area. Middle of nowhere, yet somehow my everything for so long.

The memories won’t get knocked down with the house, but it just seems wrong to knock something down that my dad worked so hard to build up. I loved my house, as much as I hated what went on in it. I loved that my dad built it. I loved the area it’s in. I don’t want that piece gone.

I feel like I should be more emotional about this, and on the other hand, I don’t want to be. So maybe that’s why nothing is happening inside right now. I’ve convinced myself for so long that my mom won’t actually sell it…that I have more time. It’s running out quickly, but…I don’t know.

On a different note, I went to a modeling interview today with a company in Atlanta. It went well, which was nice. It’s comforting that they liked me in the first place. Everyone was really nice. But I talked to my sister about what they wanted from me, and my sister advised against it. As a backstory, my sister is/was a model, and she just signed with a new company after not doing it for awhile (because she had my niece). Well, her going back into it sparked my interest again. When I was 15, my dad took me down to North Carolina where my sister lived to get a modeling portfolio created. But he passed away soon after, so nothing became of my modeling. My mom was never a fan and then obviously the ED got in the way of that.

So I applied to a few companies online, and this one responded and asked me to come in for an interview. I didn’t go in with all my hopes up, so I’m not too let down. I really would love to model, but I have the mentality of “if it’s meant to happen, it will”. I’m pretty sure my ED wouldn’t be triggered by the modeling. I don’t know why I’m so confident in that, but I am. I think because I’ve been doing well for awhile now. I’ve had dips, maybe a mini-relapse, but I’ve pulled it together again. So…I don’t know. It if happens, it will. If it doesn’t, it probably means I’m meant to be doing something else with my life.

I am still debating the summer classes. I think I’ll at least do one. Honestly I’ll probably end up doing both. We’ll see.

I work all weekend, but I have some exciting things coming up. Tomorrow night I’m going to see my brother after work and have dinner with him, which should be fun. I don’t see him as often as I’d like to, even though we’re in the same state. It’s still a bit of a drive but nothing terrible. Driving to work has me more accustomed to longer drives in general now. Except for the hour and a half it took to get home from that interview today. That was brutal. That was also enhanced with the fact that I walked around Atlanta in heels for 20-30 minutes looking for my damn car (and my feet hurt something fierce).

Next week I’m going to a concert with my boyfriend. It’s his favorite band, so he’s super excited to go and to introduce me to everyone (he has a huge fan group he’s a part of, I guess you would call it…they travel and go to different shows/all know each other). I’m looking forward to that.

And going home to Baltimore for a little bit isn’t too far away. I miss my best friend more than words can say, so it’ll be awesome to see her and hug her and spend time with her. We’re actually staying with her now that my mom has no water in the house. I don’t even care that it’s an air mattress on their floor, because that means I get to spend more time with her.

That’s about it right now. I’m dreading work tomorrow but that’s nothing new. At least I love my coworkers. The job itself is really stressful at times, but they make it bearable.

❤ Hope everyone’s doing alright.

-April 27, 2017

That God Effect

Apparently I have angels protecting me.

I got into my fifth car accident yesterday (my second in a row with someone without insurance). I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me. None of the accidents have been my fault (although yesterday’s I feel partially to blame for).

I was trying to turn left (in a center turn lane)…the person to the left of me stops and waves me over, so I go. A guy came flying down the other lane, swerved to avoid hitting me and ended up hitting two other cars. One was a pregnant woman’s, and one was a couple’s. So we all turn into the parking lot I was originally trying to enter. Guy gets out of his car, starts crying and screaming at me (the screaming lasted a good while). I call 911, which by the way, it took them 30+ seconds to answer. 911 was ringing. Who even knew that was a thing?? How can 911 be ringing for that long without someone answering it?

Anyway. It took the police another 20-25 minutes to actually get there (which also was surprising to me). I was hysterical for awhile due to the guy screaming at me. He told me it was all my fault, his car was totaled, it was his only prized possession, he just got a job and now won’t be able to get to work, that he doesn’t have insurance and now he’s probably going to jail…just basically reminding me of what a piece of shit he thinks I am. Yes, I do feel some blame for this accident (since I was turning left), but at the same time, he shouldn’t have been going 50 in a 35, and he shouldn’t be driving without insurance.

The woman and the couple were talking to me for awhile. They weren’t really that upset, just thankful that everyone was okay/that nobody got hurt. One of the women told me that if he hadn’t swerved, his car would have t-boned mine and I could have gotten really hurt. She told me I had angels protecting me, and that actually made me cry even more.

It’s crazy to me…earlier in the day yesterday, I saw someone’s post on Facebook thanking God for not leaving them when they had left God several times. That had sparked my thought, but I didn’t carry on with the idea too much after that. But after the car accident…I don’t know. I’ve been in five accidents in the past four-ish years. I haven’t gotten hurt in any of them. If my car had been damaged in this accident, I could have potentially lost my car (since it’s considered totaled already from my last accident). Then I’d be spending thousands on a car (which I’m not fully capable of doing quite yet, financially). Sometimes I don’t understand why in each accident I’ve experienced, I have walked away perfectly fine (minus some anxiety/hysterics).

As I was thinking about this yesterday, it made me think of my dad. My dad bought me this car, which is part of the reason I’m hanging on to it for so long. Maybe he is my angel, watching me and protecting me. My dad always protected me as best he could. I believe he has been with me through each accident, making sure I’m okay.

As well as God. I am alive today, when there have been far too many reasons that I should be dead. I’ve nearly killed myself over and over, been in situations where I probably should have gotten more hurt than I did…but I am alive. I am perfectly fine. There has to be a reason for that. Luck, fate, whatever, should say otherwise. They all point to a much worse outlook. I think God has been there for me, even when I have abandoned him.

I don’t know where this thought/journey will take me, but I need to find a way to improve this relationship, whatever that may look like.

-March 22, 2017