Necessary Mood Lift

I’m feeling really good at this particular moment, which is nice. I’ll savor it while I can.

Another semi-stressful night at work…although my boss was very encouraging, which helped calm me down a lot.

Anyway, I closed, and drove home/checked the mail. I got a letter from the college I’ve been attending, saying I’ve made the Dean’s List. Hence my feeling good.

I just had this immediate thought of, “I’m finally doing something right!”. I know I do a lot wrong, but I also know I do some things right…so that isn’t the only “right” thing I’ve done lately. But it’s had the most impact on me. I think because everything else I do “right”, it’s kind of expected. It’s the norm/really isn’t anything special. But upon reading this letter, it’s just something extra that I didn’t really expect. Honestly I didn’t even think about the Dean’s List, or any other awards I might have gotten lately. The surprise helped a lot, I think. It just feels really nice to have this accomplishment. I worked really hard these past few semesters, with not a ton to show from it. Now it’s changed.

So besides feeling that, I am also feeling a little bit of anger. I feel like I’m kind of being used, in some regards. I don’t really want to go into huge detail…just the feeling kind of sucks. I feel like a good part of my meaning to this person is certain things I have. I want to be enough on my own. I also want to be able to say no and not regret my decision.

All in all, it hasn’t been a terrible day. It is 12:42am, though, so bed is getting a little necessary. Until tomorrow. ❤

-May 27, 2017

This World

This world frustrates me. On a constant basis. Whether it’s my friends being shot down by idiot boys who need to realize when they have something awesome, or my workplace constantly pointing out everything I do wrong.

I don’t enjoy living this way.

I feel like I try so, so hard at work. I try to do everything right, but obviously that’s not always going to happen. And then every time I do something wrong, it’s pointed out. I can’t take it anymore. It’s never, ‘oh good job on that whatever’…it’s always, ‘in the future, you really should do ___’. I am one who likes to learn from my mistakes. But I am also a firm believer in praise as well as criticism. I will resent you, like I do now, if all you tell me is criticism.

I hate that I’m even scared to type these words, in fear that someone will read it and alert my work. I shouldn’t be scared to vent my frustrations. But I am. In this world, you’re always wrong, and they’re always right (when it comes to work).

I don’t know how long I can take this for. I need to transfer, or something. I feel obligated to work at Starbucks until I finish my degree, now that I’m doing their tuition reimbursement plan. It’s a really good opportunity, and if I don’t do it, I will be in a lot more debt that I already am. But can I really take this pressure for much longer? Three years longer, to be exact?

I hate that I dread work. I hate that I’ve grown to be cynical of the place I once used as an escape. Starbucks used to be my safe place. Now I don’t even like being in one. I just feel the pain radiating.

Is it possible to look forward to your job? Without getting a degree in something you’re passionate about? I wish I could afford to work less…take more time to do things I love. I feel like my life revolves around that place. Revolves around each paycheck. No matter how hard I work, the paycheck still sucks.

I’m diving lower and lower in my bank account. I don’t have much room to mess around. Whatever comfort space I had in the account, it’s gone. Which makes me more miserable. I work hard and then have to sit at home watching Netflix every single night, because I’m scared of spending money out that I might need for something more important.

I feel lonely. I do spend most of my time not at work alone. If I’m not with my boyfriend, I’m with my cat. I like my alone time, but it’s getting depressing. I want to be around people, but I don’t. I want to be happy, but it’s hard to maintain.

I just wish I knew what to do.

-May 23, 2017

Hopping Fences and Bowling Pins

Update time.

So I was in Baltimore last Wednesday through yesterday morning. My boyfriend and I drove there and back. We got back last night, and I opened this morning. I really thought I would be more tired than I was. For some reason, I was wide awake my entire work shift. I thought about all the things I would do today (meaning cleaning the apartment and my room). Only my room ended up being completed, but that took a few hours, so I’m good with that.

I brought a lot of stuff back from Baltimore (aka why it took hours for my room). I organized, threw out a lot of stuff, and moved a lot of things around. I think it looks pretty good now. I brought some of my dad’s things home, like a few of his bowling pins, his Marine hat, his spoon collection, some decorative stuff, etc., which I put on display. My dad’s spoon collection is actually pretty awesome. He has a lot of really unique ones in there, including a spoon with Kennedy on it, and several ones from different countries. It’s nice to have some reminders of him here.

I had a lot of fun in Baltimore. I got to see a lot of my best friend/her fiance, which was amazing. I love being with them…they’re incredible people. They’ve stood by some of the worst parts of my life, and many of the best. I can’t wait for their wedding. It’s actually in a little over a month. I went to her bridal shower while I was there, and I’m heading back in a few weeks for the bachelorette party. Hopefully that time I can fly and not have to drive 12 hours.

I’m sort of in a funk, and I’m not entirely sure why. I had therapy today and just kind of went blank. I’m happy with things in general, but I also feel stuck. I don’t completely know why. I’m progressing with school, but everything else seems to be weighing me down. Well, even school can do that to me. Now that my three spring semester classes are over, I’m back to working 35+ hours a week. I need the hours, badly, but it is incredibly draining. I also have two summer classes coming up, plus training to be an online crisis text line counselor. That training is up to 5 hours a week, I believe. I want to make time for it, but it’s so hard to come home from work and keep going. It’s nice to come home from work and do nothing for a bit. Or watch Netflix. I miss watching Netflix. How sad.

I got my cat a bow tie collar, and it’s super cute. It’s pink with green fish.

My apartment complex also stepped up today and started really helping us with our rat problem. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that before on here, but it’s been terrible, to the point of my roommate buckling down and writing a very lengthy email to the leasing office. It had dates, pictures, times, etc., backing us up. It was a great email, and apparently it worked. It would be nice to not have rats in our apartment (dead or alive, really). They brought in some poison traps, which they placed throughout our apartment and on the outside of the building. They also said they’d be coming by every day to check on them, as well as talking to the contractor about repairing the holes where they’re getting in. Fingers crossed that this all works.

I wanted to bring home some of my journals from Baltimore, but there wasn’t enough room. I have a million journals from over the years (since I’ve always journaled, but it was amplified by having way too much time in treatment). Some of the entries I skimmed over were memories I don’t recall, which is frustrating and weird for me. For example, apparently I ran and hopped over the fence at a residential treatment center I was at several years ago. I only came back when they threatened to call 911. I don’t recall any of this. Eventually I will get them all down to Georgia with me, but I really needed the room in my car for more important things.

I’ve also decided that my favorite thing to eat right now is an egg/avocado with olive oil on toast. If you haven’t tried it, do it, because it’s awesome.

Okay, I need to go to bed soon. Signing off.

-May 16, 2017

Could I Be Any More Tired???

I don’t know how to begin this, because I’m more tired than I’ve been in a long time, so we’ll just dive in.

I have worked Thursday through today, and I work tomorrow. I suppose it’s not that many days in a row, but it feels like it. I am drained.

Last week I had my final exam for my communications class. I needed 35 points to get an A, and somehow I got that.

Today was my final exam for my zoology class. Somehow I managed an 85% on the final exam, which is better than any other test grade I’ve gotten all semester, and not at ALL what I was expecting. So I got two A’s this semester, and one B. That is more than good enough for me.

I’d like to say, hurray I’m free!!…but I’m not. I have summer classes. Not entirely sure when they begin, but I know it’s coming soon.

After my long ass shift tomorrow, I will probably take an extended nap. I haven’t been feeling well the past few days, but I haven’t actually gotten sick, so…who knows. It just feels like I’m going to, constantly. My boss has a stomach flu (but came into work anyway), so let’s just hope I’m not picking that up.

I leave for Baltimore really early Wednesday morning, and I’m super excited! Not entirely thrilled about the 12 hour drive, but you know, it’s worth it. My trips to Baltimore always go by too quickly, so I’m hoping this one doesn’t (though I know it will). My boyfriend is coming with me, so he gets to meet basically everyone.

I’ve been watching a new show on the side, since I’ve finished all the other shows I’ve been watching. I’m now watching Lie To Me, which is super good, but I don’t think it has that many seasons. I try really hard not to look at the number of seasons when I start a show. It’s discouraging, usually.

Work is still difficult. My regional manager came in the other day to “check in”, which ended in me almost crying. My coworker, my boss and I had a pretty good talk about it, though, which really helped. At least I feel supported by them.

It’s only 6:19pm, but I’m probably going to bed soon. I just wanted to update.

Let’s pray I can wake up to open.

-May 8, 2017

Inadequacy Burns

Somebody please make the shit stop.

This has been such a bad day. All I really want to do is cry, but the tears won’t come out. I’m in such disbelief that the world is like this in 2017…and I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it. Anything I do is meaningless, at this point. Nothing changes. Things just seem to get worse…

I closed at work tonight, and was yelled at/talked down to by more people than usual. It wouldn’t really have gotten to me, except for the phone call that flipped me over into panic/disbelief/sadness-mode.

I answered the phone, and was asked, “I don’t mean to be racist, but are you white?”. I didn’t even want to respond, but in fear of her getting more angry than her current tone, I just said yes. She proceeded to sass at me about calling someone earlier. I didn’t know who she was talking about, and asked if she had spoken with my coworker Maria. Angrily, she said, “No”, and went silent. I said, “Okay…can I help you with something?”.
Her: “I need to speak with a manager. Are you the manager?”
Me: “No mam, but I am a shift supervisor. The manager isn’t here right now.”
Her: “I need a manager.”
Me: “I can take your number and have her call you…”
Her: “No, because that never works and I’ll never get a call back.”
Me: “Well…I can try to help you.”
She went on to ask a question, but our phones are awful and I couldn’t hear her. I asked her to repeat herself, and she proceeded to hang up on me.

That conversation left me feeling like a pile of trash. I really wanted to cry, but didn’t. I tried to move on, but proceeded to be talked down to by customers twice in the next 30 minutes.

I can’t take it anymore. I don’t understand why people feel inclined to treat me like I’m less than human, not competent enough to answer basic questions, and like I have no feelings. News flash- I am human. I do feel emotions. And you obviously can’t comprehend how your comments and anger leaves me feeling.

(I am now finishing this post the next morning)-

Yesterday was an extremely rough night for me. I got into a disagreement with my boyfriend after all of the above happened, which left me even more raw. I couldn’t stop crying, and my sleeping medicine wasn’t helping at all. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. I had a lot of suicidal and self-harm thoughts. It sucked, because it was 2am, so I pretty much had no one to talk to (since everyone was asleep). I will say, I did attempt to text two people, which was a good thing. Like I said, they’re asleep, so no one responded…but I didn’t really expect anyone to.

If you’re easily triggered, please skip this paragraph- I did not harm myself, which honestly was a miracle since my thoughts were screaming. I probably did take too much sleeping medicine, though. I took my new prescription pill, double the dose of an over the counter sleeping aid, and my PRN, along with my other nighttime meds. I knew it wasn’t the best choice, and probably overkill, but I also knew it probably wouldn’t hurt me. Part of me hoped it would, but I knew it wouldn’t. It’d mild stuff. I just wanted to stop thinking. I wanted to fall asleep and stop the shit.

I woke up pretty late this morning (obviously). And I’m still exhausted. I’m still emotional, though not to the point of the same thoughts. I’m going out with a friend tonight, so maybe that will help me smile some. I’m just really struggling with these thoughts. And I hate that it takes so much for me to fall asleep. Sleep is my escape. I get to not think about anything. I get peace. I’d rather have nightmare dreams than wake up and live a nightmare. At least I won’t remember the dreams after awhile. I still remember the people yelling at me. I still feel it in my chest. I still feel the inadequacy I’ve been plagued with. I don’t know what it will take to put me over the edge. I felt pretty damn close last night.

I’m tired of hoping I’ll eventually have something worthwhile in my life. It’s not really worth it. There’s too much pain. It never goes away. Or, if one pain goes away, it’s replaced by another. I just don’t see how I am supposed to handle this for the rest of my life. Yes, things are good in life. But I don’t know if I believe they’re worth living for.

Does my presence matter? Would my non-existence make anything different? Wouldn’t there be someone else who could easily fill my role?

It’s hard to lose someone, but at the same time, you learn to adapt. It hurts, like a knife in your chest that keeps getting twisted at random intervals…but you know that there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t make them come back, and you have to try to move forward.

People could move forward. I’m not crucial.

I’m sorry. This has taken a depressing turn. I’m just at the end of my rope. The rope is burning my hands, and the ground looks soft below…

Once again, sorry. I wish I was a better role model. Today I’m not.

-April 7, 2017

Where Did The Time Go?

I’ve been struggling emotionally lately. I’ve been feeling a lot of anger…but more at myself than anything else. When something bothers me, I don’t know why, but I hardly ever say anything. It’s so automatic that five minutes later, I’m wondering why I said nothing. I had several opportunities this past week to speak my truth, and I naturally skipped out. So I am left with myself, laying in bed at night, hating that I have no courage. Hating that it’s so damn automatic for me to just shut up. I don’t even know that I think to say anything in the moment. I just…freeze.

Anxiety is building, anger is building, and feeling trapped is almost consistent in my life right now. I want to have five minutes to myself, yet I’m always caught up doing something. I feel like I need a retreat. To just take a few days to myself. I’m too overwhelmed with this fast pace of life. Especially since I don’t feel like I’m getting closer to anything. I’m just gliding.

On the more positive side, I applied to volunteer for the Crisis Text Line. I would spend four hours (or more) a week with them, answering the texts people send in. I could see it being somewhat difficult, just with my nature of wanting to save people…but they provide a lot of training and assistance, so I think I can learn how to be effective in this role. I’m really looking forward to it…it’s something that actually works towards what I believe is my purpose (helping/inspiring other people). After going through treatment for seven years, and going from hell to the top, I’ve always thought I made it through so that I can help other people do the same. So…maybe this will help me feel more positive about my own life.

I don’t know what else to say. I will try to update more, I suppose.

-March 31, 2017

That God Effect

Apparently I have angels protecting me.

I got into my fifth car accident yesterday (my second in a row with someone without insurance). I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me. None of the accidents have been my fault (although yesterday’s I feel partially to blame for).

I was trying to turn left (in a center turn lane)…the person to the left of me stops and waves me over, so I go. A guy came flying down the other lane, swerved to avoid hitting me and ended up hitting two other cars. One was a pregnant woman’s, and one was a couple’s. So we all turn into the parking lot I was originally trying to enter. Guy gets out of his car, starts crying and screaming at me (the screaming lasted a good while). I call 911, which by the way, it took them 30+ seconds to answer. 911 was ringing. Who even knew that was a thing?? How can 911 be ringing for that long without someone answering it?

Anyway. It took the police another 20-25 minutes to actually get there (which also was surprising to me). I was hysterical for awhile due to the guy screaming at me. He told me it was all my fault, his car was totaled, it was his only prized possession, he just got a job and now won’t be able to get to work, that he doesn’t have insurance and now he’s probably going to jail…just basically reminding me of what a piece of shit he thinks I am. Yes, I do feel some blame for this accident (since I was turning left), but at the same time, he shouldn’t have been going 50 in a 35, and he shouldn’t be driving without insurance.

The woman and the couple were talking to me for awhile. They weren’t really that upset, just thankful that everyone was okay/that nobody got hurt. One of the women told me that if he hadn’t swerved, his car would have t-boned mine and I could have gotten really hurt. She told me I had angels protecting me, and that actually made me cry even more.

It’s crazy to me…earlier in the day yesterday, I saw someone’s post on Facebook thanking God for not leaving them when they had left God several times. That had sparked my thought, but I didn’t carry on with the idea too much after that. But after the car accident…I don’t know. I’ve been in five accidents in the past four-ish years. I haven’t gotten hurt in any of them. If my car had been damaged in this accident, I could have potentially lost my car (since it’s considered totaled already from my last accident). Then I’d be spending thousands on a car (which I’m not fully capable of doing quite yet, financially). Sometimes I don’t understand why in each accident I’ve experienced, I have walked away perfectly fine (minus some anxiety/hysterics).

As I was thinking about this yesterday, it made me think of my dad. My dad bought me this car, which is part of the reason I’m hanging on to it for so long. Maybe he is my angel, watching me and protecting me. My dad always protected me as best he could. I believe he has been with me through each accident, making sure I’m okay.

As well as God. I am alive today, when there have been far too many reasons that I should be dead. I’ve nearly killed myself over and over, been in situations where I probably should have gotten more hurt than I did…but I am alive. I am perfectly fine. There has to be a reason for that. Luck, fate, whatever, should say otherwise. They all point to a much worse outlook. I think God has been there for me, even when I have abandoned him.

I don’t know where this thought/journey will take me, but I need to find a way to improve this relationship, whatever that may look like.

-March 22, 2017