Overdue Update

Jeez, I haven’t updated in awhile. Sorry…I’ve been really busy. There’s been a lot of changes.

First of all, after several interviews (some saying they’ll call me and didn’t, others replying the next day saying they don’t want me), I did land a new job. And it was actually with the company I liked the most, so that worked out very well. I am officially a Customer Care Coordinator with Arrow Exterminator. It’s a really nice company, super nice people, and better pay than what I have now…so I appreciate all of that. It will definitely be a change, though. It’s Monday-Friday 8-5pm, and the commute is reallllly far. I don’t know how I will adjust from a job where it’s chaotic and I’m running everywhere all the time, to a job where I’m sitting at a desk consistently throughout the week. Part of me has my ED nudging me, like hey, you’ll probably burn a lot less calories and gain a lot more weight. It’s stupid to say but I am worried about it. I’m not happy with where I’m at weight-wise, but I deal with it. I don’t think I could deal with any higher. But I’m trying not to make that a main priority in my realm of thoughts.

I emailed them today to see if I can start Tuesday instead of the following week. I gave Starbucks my two weeks notice, and I’m kind of pissed because she scheduled me to work after the two weeks is up. I know I could say no, but I feel like a bitch for doing that. Not to mention she only scheduled me for three days next week, so that’s not going to help my financial situation. Why not just not schedule me?? I would have been fine with that.

I am fed up with the Starbucks drama, and I don’t care to deal with it anymore.

I was excited to go out and buy new clothes for this job. I know Starbucks got a lot more lenient in the dress code over the past few years, but it’s never been a super professional look. It’s exciting to buy nice clothes. Not exciting that I had to take out a Kohl’s card (because I can’t afford these nice clothes by myself, but need them for the job).

My sister and niece are coming into town in the next few days, so that’s exciting. I haven’t seen them in awhile. I think I might try to go with my niece to this trampoline place near me. Apparently it’s just wall to wall trampolines. She’s six, so that’s kind of right up her alley.

I started playing Pokemon Go. I’m getting super frustrated at running out of Pokeballs, because that means I can’t play the game. 2017 probs…

I’m also disappointed in the upcoming school semester. I have to take two math classes and a science class because everything else is full. I originally had planned to continue with ASU (Starbucks’ reimbursement plan), but since I’m no longer going there, it doesn’t make much sense to keep doing that. It’s a really expensive school. So I was trying to go back to Georgia Highlands, but with this new job I still have to do the online classes. Both of those combined (the late decision to enroll and the need for online classes only) created a huge predicament in signing up for anything. All the other classes I could possibly need are full. I hate math and I hate science…but I guess it’s good to get it out of the way. Spring semester will be better, since I’ll have more time to plan for it.

Oh, and my online summer class with ASU was AWFUL. I have never spent that much time on a class. Literally over six hours a week were poured into that stupid Spanish class. Learning Spanish online isn’t fun either, especially when they don’t give you an accurate description of what the Spanish word means in English (some just had pictures that were indecipherable).

Anyway, I’m hoping I can muster up some more energy than what I’ve got right now. The past few days I’ve been exhausted for no reason, and haven’t been able to accomplish much (or even stay awake much). I just want energy, please. I’ve got too much going on to be exhausted.

And Oliver needs to quit barking before I stick him in the crate.
(Life of living on the ground level apartment where he can see everyone who passes by).

The end.

-August 9, 2017

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Put Up or Shut Up

I don’t like living the way I am. It’s full of hostility, anger, retreating, not knowing how to make it stop. I am tired of the yelling, tired of the anger, the explosiveness, the fights. I’m tired of re-living my childhood…except this time I’m not hiding in a closet trying not to scream. I’m in the line of fire. I’m frozen, knowing I can’t run, can’t talk my way out of it, can’t win. I can’t escape.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to make it stop. I feel like nothing is my own. I have given my rights up, and I don’t have any say in anything. Even if I did speak up, I’m wrong. I am always wrong. I am always stupid. I am always inferior. I am always worthless, until I’m needed for something specific- then I go back to worthless.

This life is nothing. I don’t find it worthwhile. I know exactly how to escape…but I can’t. For a few reasons. None of them very compelling. I wouldn’t get away with it, though. Someone would try to save me, try to be the hero. I don’t want you to save me; I want you to let me go.

Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.

I don’t need this anymore. I don’t want this anymore. I’m tired of thinking it will get better, because it won’t, and it’s useless. It’s terrifying to think that I let myself believe anything could get better. I knew better. I know better. I let myself go. I think things can be like fairy tales. They can’t.

So do I drink myself into oblivion? Cry myself to sleep at night? Claw at my arms wishing I could slash them like I used to? Starve myself because I don’t deserve anything anyway?

Does any of this even work anymore, anyway?

Starving can’t make me numb anymore. Drinking ends. Clawing doesn’t really help and the fear of others seeing my scars again is too great. I covered them, masked them, and put a fucking smile on my face like it means something.

Does any of this mean anything? Am I prolonging the inevitable?

Probably. I think I know what to do…it’s just doing it.

This probably makes no sense. Or it makes a great deal of sense. I don’t know.

Sorry.

-July 26, 2017

P.S- Happy fucking three year anniversary, self. You’ve really made yourself proud this year.

Fuck this shit.

(Three years out of treatment, and this is how I spend it.)

Catching Up On Stuff

Another day goes by, and here we are.

Things have been stressful lately, but thankfully not every day has been panic-inducing. I haven’t had to take my anxiety PRN medication every single day, and that’s good for me (these days).

I feel like a lot of my anxiety occurs in the afternoon/evening/nighttime. Things just start getting into my head, I start obsessing, and there’s no turning back. I’m not entirely sure how to stop obsessing, but I’m trying to work on it.

I’ve been doing things that really aren’t healthy for me lately, like smoking weed and eating whatever shit I feel like. I weighed myself for the first time in forever the other day. Thankfully I wasn’t too shocked/upset by the number (it was kind of what I expected). I know that my body right now doesn’t gain weight very easily. However, I realize that I can’t live my life like this regardless. My diet isn’t very healthy or thought through, and I think I’d like to make more of an effort to make it better…or at least put some thought into it besides whatever I’m craving in that moment. To be clear, this is not ED-motivated. This is purely for the reason that I want to live a healthy lifestyle and eating healthfully is a part of that.

Smoking is something I’d like to stop also. Or at least not do as much. I’ve had a really bad cough for the past two weeks, and whether it’s from smoking or not, it’s hard to think it isn’t. I feel like shit all the time, and I’m tired, and I don’t like feeling like bingeing when I smoke. Smoking helps me sleep, but I’m also on medicine for sleep, so maybe I can try to make that work instead.

At the same time, I still wish I didn’t have to be on so much medication. The amount of pills I take is kind of ridiculous. I have tried semi-recently to come off of some medication, and it didn’t work out. My psychiatrist ended up increasing it back to where it was originally. Maybe one day I can at least come of something…

The craving to move out of Georgia is getting real. The summer heat is something I can’t stand. Wearing my hair in a bun every day and sweating my body weight by standing outside is not at all appealing. I hate it. I want fall, or cold, or something. Bleh.

I have two job interviews coming up this week, and I’m interested to see how they turn out. The first on Monday is actually with another coffee store, but a local shop (instead of a big corporation). I think that could be interesting. On Wednesday I have an interview with an answering service. The answering service one would just be taking phone calls and making appointments. Kind of boring, but also more predictable and reliable. Coffee shops aren’t always reliable for getting the hours you need. Case in point- I tried to transfer to a Starbucks closer to my house (so I could actually make money off being promoted). My boss had a talk with me, told me she would give me the hours I needed…and for the next two weeks I have less than 30 hours each week (which is not at ALL what I can afford living off of by working there). I hate that it’s becoming like this with Starbucks. I’ve always loved this company and what they stand for. I’ve had so much fun learning new things, growing with my stores, and being surrounded by generally awesome people. Starbucks is growing more and more into something I’m not recognizing. Something not appealing to me. Something not appealing to many baristas, actually. Still love you Starbucks, but we may need to part ways.

I have decided to change my major to early childhood education (for the time being). I’m going to go to my local community college again instead of Arizona State Online, because online classes are NOT meant for me. I miss Georgia Highlands, actually. They’re an incredible school. Sadly I can’t go there for much longer (since they only have an Associate’s degree for my major interests). I might as well go there while I can, though. I’ll be taking four classes in the fall, if everything goes as planned. I might have to be going to school Monday-Thursday, which I know will be a pain in the ass, but I need to do it. And I can’t figure out a class schedule that only has classes on two specific days, so here we are.

I have been exhausted every day lately, so I’m probably going to bed soon. It’s 9:18pm right now. But I’ve also been awake since 3:15am for work this morning. I think I should get to go to bed soon.

Peace and love ❤

-July 21, 2017

 

 

The Drive of the Past

I hope this isn’t triggering…but I’ve got to get it off my chest.

Sometimes I really miss my eating disorder.

I live almost completely without it these days. I’m not counting calories, or restricting, or weighing myself a million times. I don’t look at foods and think about what they’ll do to me. I don’t live in the hell of anorexia.

But sometimes I miss it.

Why would I miss hell? That makes no sense. But it was so predictable. It was so…I don’t know. I knew what I was doing. I was “good” at it, as terrible and fucked up as that sounds. It was my entire life.

I spent years with anorexia running my life. I knew I’d die one day, and I was okay with that. My family came to terms with it. We all knew what was coming…it was just a matter of time.

Until it wasn’t. Until I got the help I needed. Until I took the steps forward without jumping ten feet back.

I don’t know what changed. I went to a different treatment center, but I had done that before. What changed?

While I was at the last treatment center, I faced a lot of shit. I listened to my mom tell me I was dead to her. I listened to my best friend cry on the phone about my recent suicide attempt that she barely saved me from. I came face to face with the fact that I was not only ruining my life, but burdening many around me.

And I got better. I’m not saying I’m cured, because I don’t believe in that. I don’t believe my eating disorder will ever disappear into the dark, never to be heard from again.

I also believe I can manage recovery. I can keep moving forward without getting too sidetracked.

I watched a movie trailer tonight…I think it’s a Netflix original? I’m not sure. It’s about a girl’s journey with anorexia/in treatment. I know it’s completely fucked up, but it made me miss my disorder. I miss knowing what I was doing, every second of every day. I miss that intense drive to do something. I miss it, sometimes.

I like my life. I like that I’ve come further in the past two years than I have in the six-seven prior. But there are still those days.

I hope that someday I know my purpose, other than anorexia.

-June 20, 2017

I’ve been a little absent again. I’m sorry. Things have been crazy lately.

I’ve gone to Baltimore twice in the past month or so, and I’m going back Wednesday-Saturday. Well, Wednesday and Saturday will most likely be spent driving. 12 hours of fun! My dress for the wedding is ready and fits, and I’m super excited for it to happen.

I don’t know if I said this in the last post…I could go check but I’m being lazy. I got a dog, Oliver. So he’s been filling most of my time. He’s eight months old and doing well, but not fully potty trained yet. It’s kind of a nightmare with that. I had him in this mesh enclosure thing I used to transport White Kitty down here to Georgia, but he ended up chewing through it and escaping. I do need to get him a crate, but I’m royally broke right now. This sounds insane but I am trying out a doggy diaper to see if that works at all. It’s mostly just when I’m gone for work that he has accidents. But we’re working on it.

White Kitty has been hiding a lot, which is kind of sad for me. I miss her. She’s taken to hiding in my bathroom cabinet (below the sink), so I made it comfy for her. Pillow, blankets, etc. Hopefully she comes out more soon.

Work has been…work. Busy. Hectic. Stressful. I had a job interview yesterday. It was a culture interview, actually. Second of third; if they like me, I’ll go on to the third (a resume interview). I haven’t heard anything, though. My anxiety has sky rocketed. I wish they would have told me something today. My boyfriend applied to the same job, but he had his interview on a Wednesday (and he heard back Friday). So I suppose I’ll hear back Monday? I guess. He didn’t get chosen, which really sucks. It kind of makes me feel bad. I don’t think I’ll get it, but if I did…I don’t know. I’d always feel self-conscious.

There’s a lot going on with that. Feeling self-conscious. Contemplating if I matter. If my opinion, ideas, or anything I have to say, matters. Does anyone really want to hear me, anyway? People constantly talk over me. Cut into what I’m saying. Why do I even bother speaking? This is why I stopped when I was little. I went silent because nobody heard me anyway. Why keep trying when it’s useless. Nothing I said mattered, nothing I did made anything better. I could wish and pray and hope with all my might, but it would never stop. Until it did, and I blamed myself anyway.

I miss my dad. It’s Father’s Day soon. Everybody coming into Starbucks is buying the Father’s Day gift cards. Tomorrow there’s supposed to be a group of thirty people celebrating fathers coming into the store for their celebration. I don’t want to be there for that, but I don’t have a choice. I ache to feel my dad’s presence again. I ache to feel his touch. I ache to hear his voice. I wish I had him back. And I hate myself for being jealous of other people who do have their dads. I hate that I’m so bitter towards them. There’s no reason for me to be. I’m glad for you if you have your dad. I just miss mine. I don’t wish this upon anyone, though I know it will happen eventually to most.

I hate the hole it’s left inside me. It’s a giant void I feel myself slipping into from time to time. Like right now. It’s a black hole filled with shreds of my broken heart. Desperation, longing, and bitterness reside there. It’s funny how you wish you had someone back, but can’t stand to be around anyone else who is actually here.

They can get it, they can not get it. The point is, nothing anyone ever says will make it better. And I don’t say that in a mean way…it’s just kind of the truth. It feels nice to have people care, and try, but no one can be my father, or bring my father back. No one can tell me why. No one can explain why that was necessary…a reason that would actually make sense to me. Why is it supposedly God’s will for my dad to succumb to cancer? He went out in pain. He left me in pain. Why is God’s will pain?

I wish I had answers. I wanted to be able to go to church…and I actually asked my boss if I could have Sunday’s off for school this coming semester (so that I could go to church in the morning). But she said Sunday’s are tricky, and she needs me to work. I close Saturday nights, so that doesn’t work for church either. Maybe one day I’ll figure something out.

I don’t know why I’m becoming to anti-people lately. It’s like I crave love, I crave having people who care…but I also crave sleep. And being alone. And not bother humanity with my insanity.

I don’t know what I want. But something has to change. This isn’t tolerable.

-June 16, 2017

Bad Day

I’m pretty sure nothing I do is right. And I’m pretty sure in the end, everyone will grow to hate me.

It makes sense. I knew there was something wrong with me. And I can pretend like there’s not, like I’m just weird like everybody else is…but I don’t know. There’s something blocking me from the rest of the world. I can’t pinpoint it, but I can feel it.

I don’t want to be the last person someone thinks of. I don’t want to be just another person. I want to mean something. And I don’t really think I do. I don’t think I mean very much to some people.

They always tell you that if you love yourself, and believe in yourself, then that’s enough. Is it really? Because it doesn’t feel like it. Believe it or not, we do need each other. We need other people. We need humanity to acknowledge our existence. Because without acknowledgement, are we really even there?

I used my behaviors as punishment. I treat myself like shit because that’s what I am. I would tell myself over and over not to believe the lies that “I’m good enough”, or “I matter”. It doesn’t make up for anything. My past will always live inside me. I can forget all the good memories, but the old demons are there to stay.

And that’s actually how it is. My brain doesn’t remember good times. It doesn’t remember sitting at the ice cream shop down the street with my dad and brother. It doesn’t remember going to Ireland with my dad and all my siblings. It doesn’t remember the love.

It remembers the shit. It remembers the screams. It remembers the terror.

Why is that?

My body remembers how it felt. Not just emotionally, but physically. The pain that rocks me to my core. And it comes back up. And it comes back up. And it comes back up.

Good days, bad days, and whatever in between. Sometimes I don’t hate myself this much. Tonight I do.

-June 1, 2017

Shelter Love

I had a pretty good day today. My boyfriend slept over last night, and we spent pretty much the whole day together today…which was really nice. We went out for a bit last night, then had some errands and such to run today. While his car was getting worked on, I bribed him into going to the animal shelter with me. I really want to get a dog, and I saw a few on their website that I loved. One of them I actually saw at the shelter today saying he got adopted, so I’m very happy for him. He and my mom both kind of have the same thinking process when it comes to me wanting a dog…the whole, “how will you have time for it, how will you pay for it, etc.”. My therapist is supportive of me getting one. I just think it would be encouraging for me to get up, get outside, do more in general. I’m not the type of person to get an animal and just ignore it, so it’s not like I wouldn’t care for it. Well, maybe except the hamsters I had growing up. I hated them because they bit the shit out of me and hated me. I was younger so my mom just kind of took care of them with me. But that’s different. I have my own place now, and I will make time for a dog.

It took a lot out of me not to bring the one dog I met home today. He was super cute and sweet. But I’m not prepared right now, and I’m leaving for Baltimore next week (flying, so I couldn’t just bring him). I don’t want to adopt a dog and then leave him the next week. I’m sure he would need time adjusting and establishing a routine, and that wouldn’t help at all.

I think going to the shelter kind of made him sad, though. There was this older dog he fell in love with, and he said he felt bad because he’s probably had a long, hard life. There’s also the fact that most people adopting a dog want a puppy or younger one. It’s hard to find someone to adopt a senior. I would say more people should, but I know it’s extremely taxing and emotional…so more like, do if you feel you’re up to the challenges it brings. I told him one day, when we have a house, we can adopt a senior and let him have his last years be amazing with us. I know it’d be really hard emotionally for me, but they deserve love just as much as any other dog.

My past two days were my days off, so tomorrow I’m back to the grind. I know I at least work through Sunday, but the new schedule isn’t up yet. I don’t really have any shifts this week where I would be in charge…which kind of sucks. I miss doing what I was hired to do.

I do have a phone interview with a company tomorrow. My boyfriend referred me to them (he’s applying too). If I were to get this job for whatever reason, I probably would quit Starbucks. There’s no reason not to (minus the college achievement program, but…I don’t know. I think I can figure that out myself).

❤ Much love.

-May 31, 2017