Those Siblings, Though

I’m pretty sure life will never cease to amaze me. Whether it be in a good way, or a bad way, unexpected things happen which change the course of everything.

This time, it’s a good thing. My brother did something for me over the weekend that was totally unexpected, and I’m just amazed at the goodness people have in their hearts. Like I have always said to everyone, having so many siblings in the best thing I could have ever asked for. They’ve always been there for me, always stood behind me, always caught me when I was falling, always loved me when I was convinced I was unlovable. One of my brothers was the first person to come when I had my bad overdose a few years back, when my mom wouldn’t come. I love having them in my life for all of the things I’ve said, all of the advice they’ve given me, and overall just the companionship of having someone there for you. I’ll never take it for granted.

Things at work kind of go from good to bad, depending on the day. Today really wasn’t so bad. I only have to work one more day, then I’m off Monday-Wednesday. Tuesday night is a concert my boyfriend is really looking forward to, so I am too. It’s his favorite band, and he’s excited to see all his friends/introduce me to them. I’m excited to sleep in a little bit. I’m pretty tired today. I open tomorrow, so at least the work day will go by semi-quickly.

Frappuccino happy hour is coming soon. I’m not looking forward to it. Sorry to all of you who really enjoy it- I know I did before I worked at Starbucks. But it’s a pain in the ass. Lol. At least the frappuccinos they have out this year are pretty good. One is the smores, which is my personal favorite frappuccino, and they’ve also got a mint mocha frappuccino. That’s actually pretty good as well.

I went to a vegetarian restaurant with my brother last night in Atlanta, and it was so good!! I really wish they had more of those further up where I am. It’s about a 45 minute drive to where he is, so not something I want to do every time I want to go out to eat. It’s hard to eat vegetarian sometimes at restaurants. There’s not many options, which kind of sucks. But overall, I have felt a lot better physically since I stopped eating meat. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but my therapist has been telling me about Eating For Your Blood Type (the book). It’s pretty accurate.

I think that’s about all I have to update on. Just going to have a relaxing night. I ordered take out and it’s time for Netflix.

-April 29, 2017

Heels Suck, Netflix Doesn’t

I’m writing again in hopes that I can bring on some sleep. Watching Netflix isn’t doing the trick. But hey, thankful I am getting to watch a few hours of Netflix anyway.

I had a day off today, though it seemed to go by so quickly. I suppose they always do. I tried to sleep in, but that never works too well. I got to 8:30am and just decided to get up. I almost ran some errands I needed to do, but lost the motivation. It’s just going to the grocery store, so I can do that another day. (I do have food until I go).

I had therapy today, but I didn’t talk about what I needed to talk about. My mom is probably going to be selling our house back in Baltimore within the next few weeks. The one my dad built. The one we all grew up in. It’s one of the last pieces I have of him. I feel like I’m blocking the emotions, though. In the past, when she’s talked about selling it/them knocking it down, it’s been really difficult for me. I don’t want to think about the house being bulldozed and that part of my dad being gone. I think I felt better, because as much as she spoke about selling, it never happened. But now the well has run dry there, and it’s either pay for a new well to be dug (which is too expensive), or sell. She has some company quoting her this week on what they’d give her for the house/land. Mostly the land, I suppose. It’s a really nice area. Middle of nowhere, yet somehow my everything for so long.

The memories won’t get knocked down with the house, but it just seems wrong to knock something down that my dad worked so hard to build up. I loved my house, as much as I hated what went on in it. I loved that my dad built it. I loved the area it’s in. I don’t want that piece gone.

I feel like I should be more emotional about this, and on the other hand, I don’t want to be. So maybe that’s why nothing is happening inside right now. I’ve convinced myself for so long that my mom won’t actually sell it…that I have more time. It’s running out quickly, but…I don’t know.

On a different note, I went to a modeling interview today with a company in Atlanta. It went well, which was nice. It’s comforting that they liked me in the first place. Everyone was really nice. But I talked to my sister about what they wanted from me, and my sister advised against it. As a backstory, my sister is/was a model, and she just signed with a new company after not doing it for awhile (because she had my niece). Well, her going back into it sparked my interest again. When I was 15, my dad took me down to North Carolina where my sister lived to get a modeling portfolio created. But he passed away soon after, so nothing became of my modeling. My mom was never a fan and then obviously the ED got in the way of that.

So I applied to a few companies online, and this one responded and asked me to come in for an interview. I didn’t go in with all my hopes up, so I’m not too let down. I really would love to model, but I have the mentality of “if it’s meant to happen, it will”. I’m pretty sure my ED wouldn’t be triggered by the modeling. I don’t know why I’m so confident in that, but I am. I think because I’ve been doing well for awhile now. I’ve had dips, maybe a mini-relapse, but I’ve pulled it together again. So…I don’t know. It if happens, it will. If it doesn’t, it probably means I’m meant to be doing something else with my life.

I am still debating the summer classes. I think I’ll at least do one. Honestly I’ll probably end up doing both. We’ll see.

I work all weekend, but I have some exciting things coming up. Tomorrow night I’m going to see my brother after work and have dinner with him, which should be fun. I don’t see him as often as I’d like to, even though we’re in the same state. It’s still a bit of a drive but nothing terrible. Driving to work has me more accustomed to longer drives in general now. Except for the hour and a half it took to get home from that interview today. That was brutal. That was also enhanced with the fact that I walked around Atlanta in heels for 20-30 minutes looking for my damn car (and my feet hurt something fierce).

Next week I’m going to a concert with my boyfriend. It’s his favorite band, so he’s super excited to go and to introduce me to everyone (he has a huge fan group he’s a part of, I guess you would call it…they travel and go to different shows/all know each other). I’m looking forward to that.

And going home to Baltimore for a little bit isn’t too far away. I miss my best friend more than words can say, so it’ll be awesome to see her and hug her and spend time with her. We’re actually staying with her now that my mom has no water in the house. I don’t even care that it’s an air mattress on their floor, because that means I get to spend more time with her.

That’s about it right now. I’m dreading work tomorrow but that’s nothing new. At least I love my coworkers. The job itself is really stressful at times, but they make it bearable.

❤ Hope everyone’s doing alright.

-April 27, 2017

April 23, 2017

I really haven’t updated in awhile. I know I apologize and say this every time I post, so maybe I’ll just continue.

Things have been really hectic lately. Part of me doesn’t want to take summer classes, because I want a break. I want to be able to have a day off that’s actually a day off. I want to be able to come home from work and not work more. Just relax.

But I’m 24, and I’ll be 25 this year, and I’m not even done with my first two years of college. It’s wearing on me. I need to get this show on the road. I have to complete these classes. I’m taking two in the summer, and five in the fall. I know it’s going to be stressful as hell, but I can’t do anything else. I need to finish college. I need to do something else with my life. I’m stuck.

I’m not getting enough hours at work. I’m not making enough money to have a profit, and I’m slowly draining my bank account. I’m pretty sure at this rate, I’ll be living paycheck to paycheck again soon enough. The only reason I haven’t been is because of the money I got back from taxes. It’s hard for me, because I feel like work takes up so much of my life, yet I’m not really getting what I need back.

School is almost over for this semester. I basically have one week left of classes, then exams. My persuasive debate is tomorrow. I’m semi-prepared. I did the research, so hopefully it just flows.

I don’t really know how to describe this, but I’ve been having “symptoms”…and I’m not really sure what they’re from. This past week, I’ve been experiencing chest pain, dizziness, and nausea. I had my first migraine last Tuesday, which was ridiculously painful. The rest of the symptoms started after that. I’m not dehydrated, because I’m drinking enough water. I just don’t know what it is. I had to leave work early on Wednesday because I was throwing up in the back room. Which also was awful, because I still had to be there from 4:30-9am like that. When you’re the shift supervisor, and there’s only four of you, you really have slim shots at anyone being able to cover your shift.

For the next two weeks at work, I have a bunch of mid-shifts. I would honestly rather open or close, but I can’t complain because I really need the hours. It’s just hard because it takes up my entire day, which makes my depression worse. I feel like work is my life. Work and if I’m able to sleep.

My cat is back to crying all night, making it hard to sleep again even with the new medicine. It’s driving me crazy. I’m really tired right now, but my anxiety is also really bad, so I’m probably not going to be able to fall asleep anyway.

I just don’t know what to do. Some days are really good, and some are really bad.

I don’t know if I shared this before, but I started eating vegetarian. Technically pescetarian (since I eat seafood occasionally). It has been helping some with my energy, which might sound strange. But not eating meat gives me more energy.

I’m going to try to take a shower now and go to bed. Hopefully I can sleep.

-April 23, 2017

Inadequacy Burns

Somebody please make the shit stop.

This has been such a bad day. All I really want to do is cry, but the tears won’t come out. I’m in such disbelief that the world is like this in 2017…and I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it. Anything I do is meaningless, at this point. Nothing changes. Things just seem to get worse…

I closed at work tonight, and was yelled at/talked down to by more people than usual. It wouldn’t really have gotten to me, except for the phone call that flipped me over into panic/disbelief/sadness-mode.

I answered the phone, and was asked, “I don’t mean to be racist, but are you white?”. I didn’t even want to respond, but in fear of her getting more angry than her current tone, I just said yes. She proceeded to sass at me about calling someone earlier. I didn’t know who she was talking about, and asked if she had spoken with my coworker Maria. Angrily, she said, “No”, and went silent. I said, “Okay…can I help you with something?”.
Her: “I need to speak with a manager. Are you the manager?”
Me: “No mam, but I am a shift supervisor. The manager isn’t here right now.”
Her: “I need a manager.”
Me: “I can take your number and have her call you…”
Her: “No, because that never works and I’ll never get a call back.”
Me: “Well…I can try to help you.”
She went on to ask a question, but our phones are awful and I couldn’t hear her. I asked her to repeat herself, and she proceeded to hang up on me.

That conversation left me feeling like a pile of trash. I really wanted to cry, but didn’t. I tried to move on, but proceeded to be talked down to by customers twice in the next 30 minutes.

I can’t take it anymore. I don’t understand why people feel inclined to treat me like I’m less than human, not competent enough to answer basic questions, and like I have no feelings. News flash- I am human. I do feel emotions. And you obviously can’t comprehend how your comments and anger leaves me feeling.

(I am now finishing this post the next morning)-

Yesterday was an extremely rough night for me. I got into a disagreement with my boyfriend after all of the above happened, which left me even more raw. I couldn’t stop crying, and my sleeping medicine wasn’t helping at all. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. I had a lot of suicidal and self-harm thoughts. It sucked, because it was 2am, so I pretty much had no one to talk to (since everyone was asleep). I will say, I did attempt to text two people, which was a good thing. Like I said, they’re asleep, so no one responded…but I didn’t really expect anyone to.

If you’re easily triggered, please skip this paragraph- I did not harm myself, which honestly was a miracle since my thoughts were screaming. I probably did take too much sleeping medicine, though. I took my new prescription pill, double the dose of an over the counter sleeping aid, and my PRN, along with my other nighttime meds. I knew it wasn’t the best choice, and probably overkill, but I also knew it probably wouldn’t hurt me. Part of me hoped it would, but I knew it wouldn’t. It’d mild stuff. I just wanted to stop thinking. I wanted to fall asleep and stop the shit.

I woke up pretty late this morning (obviously). And I’m still exhausted. I’m still emotional, though not to the point of the same thoughts. I’m going out with a friend tonight, so maybe that will help me smile some. I’m just really struggling with these thoughts. And I hate that it takes so much for me to fall asleep. Sleep is my escape. I get to not think about anything. I get peace. I’d rather have nightmare dreams than wake up and live a nightmare. At least I won’t remember the dreams after awhile. I still remember the people yelling at me. I still feel it in my chest. I still feel the inadequacy I’ve been plagued with. I don’t know what it will take to put me over the edge. I felt pretty damn close last night.

I’m tired of hoping I’ll eventually have something worthwhile in my life. It’s not really worth it. There’s too much pain. It never goes away. Or, if one pain goes away, it’s replaced by another. I just don’t see how I am supposed to handle this for the rest of my life. Yes, things are good in life. But I don’t know if I believe they’re worth living for.

Does my presence matter? Would my non-existence make anything different? Wouldn’t there be someone else who could easily fill my role?

It’s hard to lose someone, but at the same time, you learn to adapt. It hurts, like a knife in your chest that keeps getting twisted at random intervals…but you know that there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t make them come back, and you have to try to move forward.

People could move forward. I’m not crucial.

I’m sorry. This has taken a depressing turn. I’m just at the end of my rope. The rope is burning my hands, and the ground looks soft below…

Once again, sorry. I wish I was a better role model. Today I’m not.

-April 7, 2017

Where Did The Time Go?

I’ve been struggling emotionally lately. I’ve been feeling a lot of anger…but more at myself than anything else. When something bothers me, I don’t know why, but I hardly ever say anything. It’s so automatic that five minutes later, I’m wondering why I said nothing. I had several opportunities this past week to speak my truth, and I naturally skipped out. So I am left with myself, laying in bed at night, hating that I have no courage. Hating that it’s so damn automatic for me to just shut up. I don’t even know that I think to say anything in the moment. I just…freeze.

Anxiety is building, anger is building, and feeling trapped is almost consistent in my life right now. I want to have five minutes to myself, yet I’m always caught up doing something. I feel like I need a retreat. To just take a few days to myself. I’m too overwhelmed with this fast pace of life. Especially since I don’t feel like I’m getting closer to anything. I’m just gliding.

On the more positive side, I applied to volunteer for the Crisis Text Line. I would spend four hours (or more) a week with them, answering the texts people send in. I could see it being somewhat difficult, just with my nature of wanting to save people…but they provide a lot of training and assistance, so I think I can learn how to be effective in this role. I’m really looking forward to it…it’s something that actually works towards what I believe is my purpose (helping/inspiring other people). After going through treatment for seven years, and going from hell to the top, I’ve always thought I made it through so that I can help other people do the same. So…maybe this will help me feel more positive about my own life.

I don’t know what else to say. I will try to update more, I suppose.

-March 31, 2017

That God Effect

Apparently I have angels protecting me.

I got into my fifth car accident yesterday (my second in a row with someone without insurance). I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me. None of the accidents have been my fault (although yesterday’s I feel partially to blame for).

I was trying to turn left (in a center turn lane)…the person to the left of me stops and waves me over, so I go. A guy came flying down the other lane, swerved to avoid hitting me and ended up hitting two other cars. One was a pregnant woman’s, and one was a couple’s. So we all turn into the parking lot I was originally trying to enter. Guy gets out of his car, starts crying and screaming at me (the screaming lasted a good while). I call 911, which by the way, it took them 30+ seconds to answer. 911 was ringing. Who even knew that was a thing?? How can 911 be ringing for that long without someone answering it?

Anyway. It took the police another 20-25 minutes to actually get there (which also was surprising to me). I was hysterical for awhile due to the guy screaming at me. He told me it was all my fault, his car was totaled, it was his only prized possession, he just got a job and now won’t be able to get to work, that he doesn’t have insurance and now he’s probably going to jail…just basically reminding me of what a piece of shit he thinks I am. Yes, I do feel some blame for this accident (since I was turning left), but at the same time, he shouldn’t have been going 50 in a 35, and he shouldn’t be driving without insurance.

The woman and the couple were talking to me for awhile. They weren’t really that upset, just thankful that everyone was okay/that nobody got hurt. One of the women told me that if he hadn’t swerved, his car would have t-boned mine and I could have gotten really hurt. She told me I had angels protecting me, and that actually made me cry even more.

It’s crazy to me…earlier in the day yesterday, I saw someone’s post on Facebook thanking God for not leaving them when they had left God several times. That had sparked my thought, but I didn’t carry on with the idea too much after that. But after the car accident…I don’t know. I’ve been in five accidents in the past four-ish years. I haven’t gotten hurt in any of them. If my car had been damaged in this accident, I could have potentially lost my car (since it’s considered totaled already from my last accident). Then I’d be spending thousands on a car (which I’m not fully capable of doing quite yet, financially). Sometimes I don’t understand why in each accident I’ve experienced, I have walked away perfectly fine (minus some anxiety/hysterics).

As I was thinking about this yesterday, it made me think of my dad. My dad bought me this car, which is part of the reason I’m hanging on to it for so long. Maybe he is my angel, watching me and protecting me. My dad always protected me as best he could. I believe he has been with me through each accident, making sure I’m okay.

As well as God. I am alive today, when there have been far too many reasons that I should be dead. I’ve nearly killed myself over and over, been in situations where I probably should have gotten more hurt than I did…but I am alive. I am perfectly fine. There has to be a reason for that. Luck, fate, whatever, should say otherwise. They all point to a much worse outlook. I think God has been there for me, even when I have abandoned him.

I don’t know where this thought/journey will take me, but I need to find a way to improve this relationship, whatever that may look like.

-March 22, 2017

The Curvy Path of Life

I haven’t written in awhile. I’m sorry.

Life has been super stressful and jam-packed lately. I think that’s part of the reason I haven’t had time to update this. I started my new position at work (at my new store), and it’s been a lot more difficult than I thought, but for different reasons. I knew I was going to have a hard time adjusting, but…it’s just so stressful. I constantly feel like I’m on edge, looking over my shoulder, waiting…I can’t go into details, which is kind of unfortunate for my venting, but…I just have to deal with it. I will say though, that a big challenge and necessary step I need to take is growing a thicker skin. I can’t do my job effectively if I let these things get to me. I won’t last. That’s going to be a difficult feat, since I’ve been a very sensitive person my whole life. But like I said, necessary if I want to succeed.

School is still giving me anxiety as well. I did pass my zoology midterm (with a C), which for me means I will continue taking this class. I’ve come to terms with the fact that a C might be the best I can do in a science class. I’m looking forward next semester to taking another English class. I can at least thrive in that one. Hopefully I will have the same professor I had last semester as well. She is an awesome person and teacher.

I feel like I’ve had no social life since starting the new position. I hardly have gotten to see my boyfriend lately, which makes me really sad (and needy). I will admit that’s how I feel. Not what I’d like to portray, but I’m being honest.

I’ve had a hard time the past couple days with eating. I don’t know what changed, but I’m feeling constant hunger these days. I never feel satisfied. I’ve always been a restricter, and I wouldn’t consider my eating habits as bingeing…I’m honestly just starving. It’s making me have strong urges to go to the gym and work out, so that I can eat without feeling like a pig. I know if my body is this hungry, it needs the food (I guess)…but it’s so hard to eat this much. The problem with going to the gym is that I am beyond stressed and beyond exhausted every day from everything else I do. I think working out right now would increase my exhaustion. I’m still not sleeping well, and waking up constantly at night. I feel like a mess.

On the bright side, my old store was super incredibly amazing and all pitched in to get me a bearded dragon! They got me the starter kit and the bearded dragon, who I named Louie. He is super awesome. I really didn’t expect that kind of gift from them. They’re just the most amazing people I’ve ever worked with, and it makes me so sad that I won’t be working with them (unless something drastic changes). I’m estimating Louie to be about 2 months old, based on his size. It looks to be that he’s about 5-6 inches long. Bearded dragons can grow up to two feet, and live to about ten years old. I’m super excited for our journey together! I fed him strawberry pieces yesterday and he loved it 🙂

Other than that, I think that’s all I have for now. Just have to keep trucking along and hope things get easier and my anxiety lessens with time.

-March 11, 2017