Put Up or Shut Up

I don’t like living the way I am. It’s full of hostility, anger, retreating, not knowing how to make it stop. I am tired of the yelling, tired of the anger, the explosiveness, the fights. I’m tired of re-living my childhood…except this time I’m not hiding in a closet trying not to scream. I’m in the line of fire. I’m frozen, knowing I can’t run, can’t talk my way out of it, can’t win. I can’t escape.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to make it stop. I feel like nothing is my own. I have given my rights up, and I don’t have any say in anything. Even if I did speak up, I’m wrong. I am always wrong. I am always stupid. I am always inferior. I am always worthless, until I’m needed for something specific- then I go back to worthless.

This life is nothing. I don’t find it worthwhile. I know exactly how to escape…but I can’t. For a few reasons. None of them very compelling. I wouldn’t get away with it, though. Someone would try to save me, try to be the hero. I don’t want you to save me; I want you to let me go.

Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.

I don’t need this anymore. I don’t want this anymore. I’m tired of thinking it will get better, because it won’t, and it’s useless. It’s terrifying to think that I let myself believe anything could get better. I knew better. I know better. I let myself go. I think things can be like fairy tales. They can’t.

So do I drink myself into oblivion? Cry myself to sleep at night? Claw at my arms wishing I could slash them like I used to? Starve myself because I don’t deserve anything anyway?

Does any of this even work anymore, anyway?

Starving can’t make me numb anymore. Drinking ends. Clawing doesn’t really help and the fear of others seeing my scars again is too great. I covered them, masked them, and put a fucking smile on my face like it means something.

Does any of this mean anything? Am I prolonging the inevitable?

Probably. I think I know what to do…it’s just doing it.

This probably makes no sense. Or it makes a great deal of sense. I don’t know.

Sorry.

-July 26, 2017

P.S- Happy fucking three year anniversary, self. You’ve really made yourself proud this year.

Fuck this shit.

(Three years out of treatment, and this is how I spend it.)

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Catching Up On Stuff

Another day goes by, and here we are.

Things have been stressful lately, but thankfully not every day has been panic-inducing. I haven’t had to take my anxiety PRN medication every single day, and that’s good for me (these days).

I feel like a lot of my anxiety occurs in the afternoon/evening/nighttime. Things just start getting into my head, I start obsessing, and there’s no turning back. I’m not entirely sure how to stop obsessing, but I’m trying to work on it.

I’ve been doing things that really aren’t healthy for me lately, like smoking weed and eating whatever shit I feel like. I weighed myself for the first time in forever the other day. Thankfully I wasn’t too shocked/upset by the number (it was kind of what I expected). I know that my body right now doesn’t gain weight very easily. However, I realize that I can’t live my life like this regardless. My diet isn’t very healthy or thought through, and I think I’d like to make more of an effort to make it better…or at least put some thought into it besides whatever I’m craving in that moment. To be clear, this is not ED-motivated. This is purely for the reason that I want to live a healthy lifestyle and eating healthfully is a part of that.

Smoking is something I’d like to stop also. Or at least not do as much. I’ve had a really bad cough for the past two weeks, and whether it’s from smoking or not, it’s hard to think it isn’t. I feel like shit all the time, and I’m tired, and I don’t like feeling like bingeing when I smoke. Smoking helps me sleep, but I’m also on medicine for sleep, so maybe I can try to make that work instead.

At the same time, I still wish I didn’t have to be on so much medication. The amount of pills I take is kind of ridiculous. I have tried semi-recently to come off of some medication, and it didn’t work out. My psychiatrist ended up increasing it back to where it was originally. Maybe one day I can at least come of something…

The craving to move out of Georgia is getting real. The summer heat is something I can’t stand. Wearing my hair in a bun every day and sweating my body weight by standing outside is not at all appealing. I hate it. I want fall, or cold, or something. Bleh.

I have two job interviews coming up this week, and I’m interested to see how they turn out. The first on Monday is actually with another coffee store, but a local shop (instead of a big corporation). I think that could be interesting. On Wednesday I have an interview with an answering service. The answering service one would just be taking phone calls and making appointments. Kind of boring, but also more predictable and reliable. Coffee shops aren’t always reliable for getting the hours you need. Case in point- I tried to transfer to a Starbucks closer to my house (so I could actually make money off being promoted). My boss had a talk with me, told me she would give me the hours I needed…and for the next two weeks I have less than 30 hours each week (which is not at ALL what I can afford living off of by working there). I hate that it’s becoming like this with Starbucks. I’ve always loved this company and what they stand for. I’ve had so much fun learning new things, growing with my stores, and being surrounded by generally awesome people. Starbucks is growing more and more into something I’m not recognizing. Something not appealing to me. Something not appealing to many baristas, actually. Still love you Starbucks, but we may need to part ways.

I have decided to change my major to early childhood education (for the time being). I’m going to go to my local community college again instead of Arizona State Online, because online classes are NOT meant for me. I miss Georgia Highlands, actually. They’re an incredible school. Sadly I can’t go there for much longer (since they only have an Associate’s degree for my major interests). I might as well go there while I can, though. I’ll be taking four classes in the fall, if everything goes as planned. I might have to be going to school Monday-Thursday, which I know will be a pain in the ass, but I need to do it. And I can’t figure out a class schedule that only has classes on two specific days, so here we are.

I have been exhausted every day lately, so I’m probably going to bed soon. It’s 9:18pm right now. But I’ve also been awake since 3:15am for work this morning. I think I should get to go to bed soon.

Peace and love ❤

-July 21, 2017

 

 

Break Free

Sometimes I just really wish I could move, and start somewhere new. I want to get out of Georgia. I don’t like it here. I miss my friends. I feel very boxed in. I do have friends here, and I love them dearly. But…I’m outgrowing Georgia. It just seems so…tiny. I don’t know how to explain this feeling. I just need out. I need something new.

I know some ideas of where I’d go. I wish I could go back to Maryland, but under the circumstances right now, I don’t think that’d happen. Maybe later in the future, when some certain things are different. Maybe Ohio. For some reason Colorado pops into my head. Probably because my brother is trying to move there. Also because it’s beautiful.

As I keep saying in every damn post lately, I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. What I thought I wanted, I don’t know now. I don’t know what the fuck I want anymore. I feel like I could have the opportunity to “go find it”, but there’s always pit falls to that concept. Money, connections, jobs…all that jazz. It does take some time, planning, and effort to just up and move like that. It takes coordination.

I’m just crawling out of my skin. Semi-trigger warning…but I feel like I’ve been toying with overdosing. I’m not going to, but the thoughts are there, and they’re loud. Tonight I was just thinking….”well, just take a handful. That’s not going to do anything”. That’s something I used to do, and yes it is stupid, but for some reason it calms my anxiety. Not enough to hurt me, just…more than necessary. Awful, awful concept. An entirely too fine line. I won’t do it, but the thoughts are there.

My anxiety has been pretty bad lately as well. It’s keeping me up at night. I have been smoking weed every night for awhile now to help me sleep (since the anxiety and my sleep med doesn’t cut it)…but I’m trying not to do that so much anymore. I don’t like that I smoke every single night. I absolutely HATE smoking the bong now, because I get insane munchies. Like, eat everything in sight. And that’s obviously a terrible feeling for me. It makes my anxiety worse. What’s really hard for me is that my boyfriend smokes multiple times a day, probably every couple hours. So sometimes I just do it because he is, and honestly sometimes I don’t like being the one who isn’t high too. I can feel the difference, sometimes. So I smoke. And I eat. And I hate myself, and I want to restrict, and I go back to this feeling I had when I was thick in my ED…thinking, do I even have an eating disorder? I was dying from anorexia and all that comes with it, and I still questioned whether I was sick or not. Maybe I was faking. Maybe I’m not that bad. Maybe I’m just an idiot child who can’t get her shit together. Not true, in the end. Obviously, I guess. I relapsed so many times because I didn’t think I had what it took to restrict again. I thought I “wasn’t that strong” anymore. Let me clear: restricting doesn’t make you strong. Starving your body doesn’t make you strong. But that’s the mindset I had. I had to prove it to myself. Constantly. For years on end. It was never enough.

I wonder sometimes still if I “have enough power”. If I could do it again. Probably could, when it comes down to it…it’s an eating disorder, not the flu. I personally don’t believe for myself that I’ll ever be rid completely of my eating disorder. I think it lingers, and I need to be cautious (to a degree).

I don’t know. That’s all for now.

-July 13, 2017

Failing, Falling.

I feel like a failure. I’m doing an online class for the summer semester (Spanish). I was supposed to meet up in a virtual meeting today. It was 100 points. I forgot.

I wrote a reminder on my computer, but that didn’t help me since I didn’t open my computer until a half hour ago. I know I need to come up with a better way of doing this, but for now, I feel like absolute shit.

That’s a lot of fucking points to lose. Part of me wants to just drop the class.

I don’t even think that’s being dramatic. It’s been a week, and I’m already falling behind.

I hate this shit. I can’t even complete simple assignments, and what is the point?? What the fuck am I going to do with an English degree, anyway? I’ll probably still work for Starbucks. I’ll probably still hate everything about it. A degree will probably mean nothing.

I just really want to give up. I don’t think I’m going anywhere. I don’t think there’s a point. I’m failing as a human being. I’m incapable.

I want to sleep, but I just woke up from a nap (so I can’t fall back asleep) and the TV is super loud in the other room.

I’m exhausted and just want to numb out, but I don’t know how. I can’t escape.

I literally hate everything right now.

Anxiety

I’m really overwhelmed. I’m broke out of my mind, spending money from my school account (which I know I shouldn’t do but I have no choice). I don’t like living in a world that I can’t afford. I need a job that pays more but that seems to be impossible with my lack of experience. I hate that I dread going to work. I hate that my entire day off is spent knowing in the back of my head that it won’t last. Being away from there won’t last.

It’s not a terrible job. It has really good sides to it. But I’m so overwhelmed. I’m anxious. I don’t know.

I feel like I can’t complain…I’ve got a job, I’ve got an apartment, etc. It’s not as pretty as it looks, though. Things look wonderful on the outside and they’re not always that great. I worked my ass off in treatment. This is what I’ve always wanted. Then why do I feel like I need to get away?

I hate feeling this way.

-July 3, 2017

Vent

I’m losing focus of what the point is.

My depression is getting bad again.

I’m having suicidal thoughts.

I’m going to be fine. I’m not going to do anything. But the thoughts are brutal. My boss put all of my vacation hours onto my last check. The taxes they ended up taking out cost me the entire amount I got paid for the vacation hours. My next paycheck will have maybe 45 hours, if I’m lucky. That’s absolute SHIT. I can’t believe this is happening. I can hardly afford fucking rent. I can’t do anything anymore. Money is so tight I don’t even know how I’m getting by. I’m using financial aid like it’s no one’s business, and that is completely FUCKED UP because I can’t be doing that. That money is for SCHOOL. But I don’t have a choice. I don’t have enough money. I pay rent in a few days, and I’ll be left with nothing. My car is fucked up in several ways, and I need to get it checked tomorrow, but oh wait, I HAVE NO MONEY.

I don’t want to live like this. I literally don’t do anything anymore because I work so hard, I get paid nothing, my anxiety skyrockets, and I don’t have money to leave my apartment. I stay at home, I get depressed, and the depression makes complete sense.

Maybe it has been right all along. Clearly I’m an idiot, I can’t do this. WHAT IS THE POINT.

The Drive of the Past

I hope this isn’t triggering…but I’ve got to get it off my chest.

Sometimes I really miss my eating disorder.

I live almost completely without it these days. I’m not counting calories, or restricting, or weighing myself a million times. I don’t look at foods and think about what they’ll do to me. I don’t live in the hell of anorexia.

But sometimes I miss it.

Why would I miss hell? That makes no sense. But it was so predictable. It was so…I don’t know. I knew what I was doing. I was “good” at it, as terrible and fucked up as that sounds. It was my entire life.

I spent years with anorexia running my life. I knew I’d die one day, and I was okay with that. My family came to terms with it. We all knew what was coming…it was just a matter of time.

Until it wasn’t. Until I got the help I needed. Until I took the steps forward without jumping ten feet back.

I don’t know what changed. I went to a different treatment center, but I had done that before. What changed?

While I was at the last treatment center, I faced a lot of shit. I listened to my mom tell me I was dead to her. I listened to my best friend cry on the phone about my recent suicide attempt that she barely saved me from. I came face to face with the fact that I was not only ruining my life, but burdening many around me.

And I got better. I’m not saying I’m cured, because I don’t believe in that. I don’t believe my eating disorder will ever disappear into the dark, never to be heard from again.

I also believe I can manage recovery. I can keep moving forward without getting too sidetracked.

I watched a movie trailer tonight…I think it’s a Netflix original? I’m not sure. It’s about a girl’s journey with anorexia/in treatment. I know it’s completely fucked up, but it made me miss my disorder. I miss knowing what I was doing, every second of every day. I miss that intense drive to do something. I miss it, sometimes.

I like my life. I like that I’ve come further in the past two years than I have in the six-seven prior. But there are still those days.

I hope that someday I know my purpose, other than anorexia.

-June 20, 2017