Full Of It

I’m having a very hard day. My last week at Starbucks has been extremely rough. Not going to lie, I was extremely close to walking out today. I nearly had a panic attack on the floor, and the only reason I didn’t was because I knew it was impossible for me to look anyone in the eye after that. I knew if I had to go to the back and calm down, people would be talking about it from there on out. I can’t do that. I can’t have that. So I just…went through it. I ended up scratching at my arm, which is something I haven’t done in a bit. I only have done that when I’m really, really anxious/on edge. Somehow the scratching calms me down…or something. I don’t know. Pain is distracting. And I shouldn’t have to use pain as a distraction at work.

I am going to tell my boss tomorrow that today is my last day. I was supposed to work the next Saturday, but I can’t do it. It’s too much. Plus I can’t work for seven days in a row. I’ve done it before but that doesn’t mean it’s pleasant.

Being home has not been much better. I feel just as shitty as before. I want to block all of this out. I want to not think, not feel. Yet I’m so full of everything.

I have to take my dog to his training class soon, and I don’t even want to face that. I just don’t want to be around anyone.

Which is really hard to do. Just leave me alone, people. Ignore me. It’s easier that way.

-August 13, 2017

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Overdue Update

Jeez, I haven’t updated in awhile. Sorry…I’ve been really busy. There’s been a lot of changes.

First of all, after several interviews (some saying they’ll call me and didn’t, others replying the next day saying they don’t want me), I did land a new job. And it was actually with the company I liked the most, so that worked out very well. I am officially a Customer Care Coordinator with Arrow Exterminator. It’s a really nice company, super nice people, and better pay than what I have now…so I appreciate all of that. It will definitely be a change, though. It’s Monday-Friday 8-5pm, and the commute is reallllly far. I don’t know how I will adjust from a job where it’s chaotic and I’m running everywhere all the time, to a job where I’m sitting at a desk consistently throughout the week. Part of me has my ED nudging me, like hey, you’ll probably burn a lot less calories and gain a lot more weight. It’s stupid to say but I am worried about it. I’m not happy with where I’m at weight-wise, but I deal with it. I don’t think I could deal with any higher. But I’m trying not to make that a main priority in my realm of thoughts.

I emailed them today to see if I can start Tuesday instead of the following week. I gave Starbucks my two weeks notice, and I’m kind of pissed because she scheduled me to work after the two weeks is up. I know I could say no, but I feel like a bitch for doing that. Not to mention she only scheduled me for three days next week, so that’s not going to help my financial situation. Why not just not schedule me?? I would have been fine with that.

I am fed up with the Starbucks drama, and I don’t care to deal with it anymore.

I was excited to go out and buy new clothes for this job. I know Starbucks got a lot more lenient in the dress code over the past few years, but it’s never been a super professional look. It’s exciting to buy nice clothes. Not exciting that I had to take out a Kohl’s card (because I can’t afford these nice clothes by myself, but need them for the job).

My sister and niece are coming into town in the next few days, so that’s exciting. I haven’t seen them in awhile. I think I might try to go with my niece to this trampoline place near me. Apparently it’s just wall to wall trampolines. She’s six, so that’s kind of right up her alley.

I started playing Pokemon Go. I’m getting super frustrated at running out of Pokeballs, because that means I can’t play the game. 2017 probs…

I’m also disappointed in the upcoming school semester. I have to take two math classes and a science class because everything else is full. I originally had planned to continue with ASU (Starbucks’ reimbursement plan), but since I’m no longer going there, it doesn’t make much sense to keep doing that. It’s a really expensive school. So I was trying to go back to Georgia Highlands, but with this new job I still have to do the online classes. Both of those combined (the late decision to enroll and the need for online classes only) created a huge predicament in signing up for anything. All the other classes I could possibly need are full. I hate math and I hate science…but I guess it’s good to get it out of the way. Spring semester will be better, since I’ll have more time to plan for it.

Oh, and my online summer class with ASU was AWFUL. I have never spent that much time on a class. Literally over six hours a week were poured into that stupid Spanish class. Learning Spanish online isn’t fun either, especially when they don’t give you an accurate description of what the Spanish word means in English (some just had pictures that were indecipherable).

Anyway, I’m hoping I can muster up some more energy than what I’ve got right now. The past few days I’ve been exhausted for no reason, and haven’t been able to accomplish much (or even stay awake much). I just want energy, please. I’ve got too much going on to be exhausted.

And Oliver needs to quit barking before I stick him in the crate.
(Life of living on the ground level apartment where he can see everyone who passes by).

The end.

-August 9, 2017

Put Up or Shut Up

I don’t like living the way I am. It’s full of hostility, anger, retreating, not knowing how to make it stop. I am tired of the yelling, tired of the anger, the explosiveness, the fights. I’m tired of re-living my childhood…except this time I’m not hiding in a closet trying not to scream. I’m in the line of fire. I’m frozen, knowing I can’t run, can’t talk my way out of it, can’t win. I can’t escape.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to make it stop. I feel like nothing is my own. I have given my rights up, and I don’t have any say in anything. Even if I did speak up, I’m wrong. I am always wrong. I am always stupid. I am always inferior. I am always worthless, until I’m needed for something specific- then I go back to worthless.

This life is nothing. I don’t find it worthwhile. I know exactly how to escape…but I can’t. For a few reasons. None of them very compelling. I wouldn’t get away with it, though. Someone would try to save me, try to be the hero. I don’t want you to save me; I want you to let me go.

Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.

I don’t need this anymore. I don’t want this anymore. I’m tired of thinking it will get better, because it won’t, and it’s useless. It’s terrifying to think that I let myself believe anything could get better. I knew better. I know better. I let myself go. I think things can be like fairy tales. They can’t.

So do I drink myself into oblivion? Cry myself to sleep at night? Claw at my arms wishing I could slash them like I used to? Starve myself because I don’t deserve anything anyway?

Does any of this even work anymore, anyway?

Starving can’t make me numb anymore. Drinking ends. Clawing doesn’t really help and the fear of others seeing my scars again is too great. I covered them, masked them, and put a fucking smile on my face like it means something.

Does any of this mean anything? Am I prolonging the inevitable?

Probably. I think I know what to do…it’s just doing it.

This probably makes no sense. Or it makes a great deal of sense. I don’t know.

Sorry.

-July 26, 2017

P.S- Happy fucking three year anniversary, self. You’ve really made yourself proud this year.

Fuck this shit.

(Three years out of treatment, and this is how I spend it.)

Catching Up On Stuff

Another day goes by, and here we are.

Things have been stressful lately, but thankfully not every day has been panic-inducing. I haven’t had to take my anxiety PRN medication every single day, and that’s good for me (these days).

I feel like a lot of my anxiety occurs in the afternoon/evening/nighttime. Things just start getting into my head, I start obsessing, and there’s no turning back. I’m not entirely sure how to stop obsessing, but I’m trying to work on it.

I’ve been doing things that really aren’t healthy for me lately, like smoking weed and eating whatever shit I feel like. I weighed myself for the first time in forever the other day. Thankfully I wasn’t too shocked/upset by the number (it was kind of what I expected). I know that my body right now doesn’t gain weight very easily. However, I realize that I can’t live my life like this regardless. My diet isn’t very healthy or thought through, and I think I’d like to make more of an effort to make it better…or at least put some thought into it besides whatever I’m craving in that moment. To be clear, this is not ED-motivated. This is purely for the reason that I want to live a healthy lifestyle and eating healthfully is a part of that.

Smoking is something I’d like to stop also. Or at least not do as much. I’ve had a really bad cough for the past two weeks, and whether it’s from smoking or not, it’s hard to think it isn’t. I feel like shit all the time, and I’m tired, and I don’t like feeling like bingeing when I smoke. Smoking helps me sleep, but I’m also on medicine for sleep, so maybe I can try to make that work instead.

At the same time, I still wish I didn’t have to be on so much medication. The amount of pills I take is kind of ridiculous. I have tried semi-recently to come off of some medication, and it didn’t work out. My psychiatrist ended up increasing it back to where it was originally. Maybe one day I can at least come of something…

The craving to move out of Georgia is getting real. The summer heat is something I can’t stand. Wearing my hair in a bun every day and sweating my body weight by standing outside is not at all appealing. I hate it. I want fall, or cold, or something. Bleh.

I have two job interviews coming up this week, and I’m interested to see how they turn out. The first on Monday is actually with another coffee store, but a local shop (instead of a big corporation). I think that could be interesting. On Wednesday I have an interview with an answering service. The answering service one would just be taking phone calls and making appointments. Kind of boring, but also more predictable and reliable. Coffee shops aren’t always reliable for getting the hours you need. Case in point- I tried to transfer to a Starbucks closer to my house (so I could actually make money off being promoted). My boss had a talk with me, told me she would give me the hours I needed…and for the next two weeks I have less than 30 hours each week (which is not at ALL what I can afford living off of by working there). I hate that it’s becoming like this with Starbucks. I’ve always loved this company and what they stand for. I’ve had so much fun learning new things, growing with my stores, and being surrounded by generally awesome people. Starbucks is growing more and more into something I’m not recognizing. Something not appealing to me. Something not appealing to many baristas, actually. Still love you Starbucks, but we may need to part ways.

I have decided to change my major to early childhood education (for the time being). I’m going to go to my local community college again instead of Arizona State Online, because online classes are NOT meant for me. I miss Georgia Highlands, actually. They’re an incredible school. Sadly I can’t go there for much longer (since they only have an Associate’s degree for my major interests). I might as well go there while I can, though. I’ll be taking four classes in the fall, if everything goes as planned. I might have to be going to school Monday-Thursday, which I know will be a pain in the ass, but I need to do it. And I can’t figure out a class schedule that only has classes on two specific days, so here we are.

I have been exhausted every day lately, so I’m probably going to bed soon. It’s 9:18pm right now. But I’ve also been awake since 3:15am for work this morning. I think I should get to go to bed soon.

Peace and love ❤

-July 21, 2017

 

 

Break Free

Sometimes I just really wish I could move, and start somewhere new. I want to get out of Georgia. I don’t like it here. I miss my friends. I feel very boxed in. I do have friends here, and I love them dearly. But…I’m outgrowing Georgia. It just seems so…tiny. I don’t know how to explain this feeling. I just need out. I need something new.

I know some ideas of where I’d go. I wish I could go back to Maryland, but under the circumstances right now, I don’t think that’d happen. Maybe later in the future, when some certain things are different. Maybe Ohio. For some reason Colorado pops into my head. Probably because my brother is trying to move there. Also because it’s beautiful.

As I keep saying in every damn post lately, I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. What I thought I wanted, I don’t know now. I don’t know what the fuck I want anymore. I feel like I could have the opportunity to “go find it”, but there’s always pit falls to that concept. Money, connections, jobs…all that jazz. It does take some time, planning, and effort to just up and move like that. It takes coordination.

I’m just crawling out of my skin. Semi-trigger warning…but I feel like I’ve been toying with overdosing. I’m not going to, but the thoughts are there, and they’re loud. Tonight I was just thinking….”well, just take a handful. That’s not going to do anything”. That’s something I used to do, and yes it is stupid, but for some reason it calms my anxiety. Not enough to hurt me, just…more than necessary. Awful, awful concept. An entirely too fine line. I won’t do it, but the thoughts are there.

My anxiety has been pretty bad lately as well. It’s keeping me up at night. I have been smoking weed every night for awhile now to help me sleep (since the anxiety and my sleep med doesn’t cut it)…but I’m trying not to do that so much anymore. I don’t like that I smoke every single night. I absolutely HATE smoking the bong now, because I get insane munchies. Like, eat everything in sight. And that’s obviously a terrible feeling for me. It makes my anxiety worse. What’s really hard for me is that my boyfriend smokes multiple times a day, probably every couple hours. So sometimes I just do it because he is, and honestly sometimes I don’t like being the one who isn’t high too. I can feel the difference, sometimes. So I smoke. And I eat. And I hate myself, and I want to restrict, and I go back to this feeling I had when I was thick in my ED…thinking, do I even have an eating disorder? I was dying from anorexia and all that comes with it, and I still questioned whether I was sick or not. Maybe I was faking. Maybe I’m not that bad. Maybe I’m just an idiot child who can’t get her shit together. Not true, in the end. Obviously, I guess. I relapsed so many times because I didn’t think I had what it took to restrict again. I thought I “wasn’t that strong” anymore. Let me clear: restricting doesn’t make you strong. Starving your body doesn’t make you strong. But that’s the mindset I had. I had to prove it to myself. Constantly. For years on end. It was never enough.

I wonder sometimes still if I “have enough power”. If I could do it again. Probably could, when it comes down to it…it’s an eating disorder, not the flu. I personally don’t believe for myself that I’ll ever be rid completely of my eating disorder. I think it lingers, and I need to be cautious (to a degree).

I don’t know. That’s all for now.

-July 13, 2017

Failing, Falling.

I feel like a failure. I’m doing an online class for the summer semester (Spanish). I was supposed to meet up in a virtual meeting today. It was 100 points. I forgot.

I wrote a reminder on my computer, but that didn’t help me since I didn’t open my computer until a half hour ago. I know I need to come up with a better way of doing this, but for now, I feel like absolute shit.

That’s a lot of fucking points to lose. Part of me wants to just drop the class.

I don’t even think that’s being dramatic. It’s been a week, and I’m already falling behind.

I hate this shit. I can’t even complete simple assignments, and what is the point?? What the fuck am I going to do with an English degree, anyway? I’ll probably still work for Starbucks. I’ll probably still hate everything about it. A degree will probably mean nothing.

I just really want to give up. I don’t think I’m going anywhere. I don’t think there’s a point. I’m failing as a human being. I’m incapable.

I want to sleep, but I just woke up from a nap (so I can’t fall back asleep) and the TV is super loud in the other room.

I’m exhausted and just want to numb out, but I don’t know how. I can’t escape.

I literally hate everything right now.

Anxiety

I’m really overwhelmed. I’m broke out of my mind, spending money from my school account (which I know I shouldn’t do but I have no choice). I don’t like living in a world that I can’t afford. I need a job that pays more but that seems to be impossible with my lack of experience. I hate that I dread going to work. I hate that my entire day off is spent knowing in the back of my head that it won’t last. Being away from there won’t last.

It’s not a terrible job. It has really good sides to it. But I’m so overwhelmed. I’m anxious. I don’t know.

I feel like I can’t complain…I’ve got a job, I’ve got an apartment, etc. It’s not as pretty as it looks, though. Things look wonderful on the outside and they’re not always that great. I worked my ass off in treatment. This is what I’ve always wanted. Then why do I feel like I need to get away?

I hate feeling this way.

-July 3, 2017