I’m having a very hard day. My last week at Starbucks has been extremely rough. Not going to lie, I was extremely close to walking out today. I nearly had a panic attack on the floor, and the only reason I didn’t was because I knew it was impossible for me to look anyone in the eye after that. I knew if I had to go to the back and calm down, people would be talking about it from there on out. I can’t do that. I can’t have that. So I just…went through it. I ended up scratching at my arm, which is something I haven’t done in a bit. I only have done that when I’m really, really anxious/on edge. Somehow the scratching calms me down…or something. I don’t know. Pain is distracting. And I shouldn’t have to use pain as a distraction at work.
I am going to tell my boss tomorrow that today is my last day. I was supposed to work the next Saturday, but I can’t do it. It’s too much. Plus I can’t work for seven days in a row. I’ve done it before but that doesn’t mean it’s pleasant.
Being home has not been much better. I feel just as shitty as before. I want to block all of this out. I want to not think, not feel. Yet I’m so full of everything.
I have to take my dog to his training class soon, and I don’t even want to face that. I just don’t want to be around anyone.
Which is really hard to do. Just leave me alone, people. Ignore me. It’s easier that way.
-August 13, 2017