Full Of It

I’m having a very hard day. My last week at Starbucks has been extremely rough. Not going to lie, I was extremely close to walking out today. I nearly had a panic attack on the floor, and the only reason I didn’t was because I knew it was impossible for me to look anyone in the eye after that. I knew if I had to go to the back and calm down, people would be talking about it from there on out. I can’t do that. I can’t have that. So I just…went through it. I ended up scratching at my arm, which is something I haven’t done in a bit. I only have done that when I’m really, really anxious/on edge. Somehow the scratching calms me down…or something. I don’t know. Pain is distracting. And I shouldn’t have to use pain as a distraction at work.

I am going to tell my boss tomorrow that today is my last day. I was supposed to work the next Saturday, but I can’t do it. It’s too much. Plus I can’t work for seven days in a row. I’ve done it before but that doesn’t mean it’s pleasant.

Being home has not been much better. I feel just as shitty as before. I want to block all of this out. I want to not think, not feel. Yet I’m so full of everything.

I have to take my dog to his training class soon, and I don’t even want to face that. I just don’t want to be around anyone.

Which is really hard to do. Just leave me alone, people. Ignore me. It’s easier that way.

-August 13, 2017

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One thought on “Full Of It

  1. I stopped self harm many years ago. Now I have chronic pain, some of it from a life time of over exercising. What I discovered about pain is that it clears my head. It is simple and, well, clean, if that makes sense? Like when I’m in pain, there isn’t anything else that matters and that, for me, is a relief. I don’t seek out pain though because it’s horrible in itself. I know, sounds confusing. Having said all that… I’ve just added this new way to deal with panic and high anxiety. I snap a rubber band (which I always have on my wrist) to snap me back from the elevating panic. I had to make sure this wasn’t a self harm thing and it isn’t. The reason is that much of my pain is nerve pain so when I do that the pain is severe. I hate it and would rather not do it. But, when I’m in pain, I’ve trained myself a long time ago to breath through it so the snapping works. Panic -> snap rubber band (ouch!) -> deep breathing (calming somewhat) then -> rubbing my wrist which is self soothing. Again I absolutely hate snapping the rubber band now so that, in itself, is a helpful motivation to keep tabs on anxiety.

    Perhaps the best tool for you to deal with panic is to run as far away as you can from Starbucks! 😉

    Like

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