Failing, Falling.

I feel like a failure. I’m doing an online class for the summer semester (Spanish). I was supposed to meet up in a virtual meeting today. It was 100 points. I forgot.

I wrote a reminder on my computer, but that didn’t help me since I didn’t open my computer until a half hour ago. I know I need to come up with a better way of doing this, but for now, I feel like absolute shit.

That’s a lot of fucking points to lose. Part of me wants to just drop the class.

I don’t even think that’s being dramatic. It’s been a week, and I’m already falling behind.

I hate this shit. I can’t even complete simple assignments, and what is the point?? What the fuck am I going to do with an English degree, anyway? I’ll probably still work for Starbucks. I’ll probably still hate everything about it. A degree will probably mean nothing.

I just really want to give up. I don’t think I’m going anywhere. I don’t think there’s a point. I’m failing as a human being. I’m incapable.

I want to sleep, but I just woke up from a nap (so I can’t fall back asleep) and the TV is super loud in the other room.

I’m exhausted and just want to numb out, but I don’t know how. I can’t escape.

I literally hate everything right now.


One thought on “Failing, Falling.

  1. Wow, yeah… I have to reach for things that make me feel like I am actually contributing to life. I am making an afghan for my best friend, that is something. I need to visit my dad (3000 mile drive) as soon as possible (next year at the earliest, sigh) because he is 81. My competency is that I “can” drive thousands of miles. The people where I now volunteer depend on me… all motivation even though I do feel a failure in my life.

    You have an amazing accomplishment – a degree! I had to drop out of college. My brother got a English Literature PhD then discovered he hated teaching, lol. He switched to computers, probably a lowly data entry until he could work his way up. To me he is a big success because he didn’t let his degree define him. He loves literature but realized he need a job to pay his bills. Honestly, I don’t thing Starbucks is a bad job. I have a friend who is a semester away from her pre-med (or med degree?) thingy, or something like that. She can’t go back till she finds her way in recovery and has to start paying her student loans. She has been applying for jobs as a receptionist. She would rather do Starbucks but doesn’t want to stand up, lol.

    Working there doesn’t mean it will be your life job, retiring having mastered making coffee. We all have to pay our bills. Having said all this, I didn’t get a degree so can’t really imagine having got one and not being able to work in your field.

    Although, the Air Force trained me to be an electrician on jets which set me up perfectly to get a job at either of two big name companies. Unfortunately I have an ED, and bipolar, so that was out. Working makes me unstable so now I am on disability, for life. It took me ten years to learn to not work! I’ve accepted that. Of course, that is irrelevant to your situation. You will be able to work, are working. What kind of jobs can you get with your degree? Are you considering ESL since you’re learning spanish? One of my friends, a lawyer, decided to volunteer in Guatemala teaching English. She’s going for 6 months then will consider her options when she comes back. She recognized that being a lawyer exacerbated her ED. I am so proud of her. However, she knows no spanish! She is also cramming to learn it before Sept.

    I’m commenting several days after you wrote this, and you have another that I’ll be reading shortly. I hope things are better.


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