The Drive of the Past

I hope this isn’t triggering…but I’ve got to get it off my chest.

Sometimes I really miss my eating disorder.

I live almost completely without it these days. I’m not counting calories, or restricting, or weighing myself a million times. I don’t look at foods and think about what they’ll do to me. I don’t live in the hell of anorexia.

But sometimes I miss it.

Why would I miss hell? That makes no sense. But it was so predictable. It was so…I don’t know. I knew what I was doing. I was “good” at it, as terrible and fucked up as that sounds. It was my entire life.

I spent years with anorexia running my life. I knew I’d die one day, and I was okay with that. My family came to terms with it. We all knew what was coming…it was just a matter of time.

Until it wasn’t. Until I got the help I needed. Until I took the steps forward without jumping ten feet back.

I don’t know what changed. I went to a different treatment center, but I had done that before. What changed?

While I was at the last treatment center, I faced a lot of shit. I listened to my mom tell me I was dead to her. I listened to my best friend cry on the phone about my recent suicide attempt that she barely saved me from. I came face to face with the fact that I was not only ruining my life, but burdening many around me.

And I got better. I’m not saying I’m cured, because I don’t believe in that. I don’t believe my eating disorder will ever disappear into the dark, never to be heard from again.

I also believe I can manage recovery. I can keep moving forward without getting too sidetracked.

I watched a movie trailer tonight…I think it’s a Netflix original? I’m not sure. It’s about a girl’s journey with anorexia/in treatment. I know it’s completely fucked up, but it made me miss my disorder. I miss knowing what I was doing, every second of every day. I miss that intense drive to do something. I miss it, sometimes.

I like my life. I like that I’ve come further in the past two years than I have in the six-seven prior. But there are still those days.

I hope that someday I know my purpose, other than anorexia.

-June 20, 2017

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3 thoughts on “The Drive of the Past

  1. Because that was a simpler time when you were back in control and could ignore the pain that comes with recovery and healing. Your disorder was a large part of you for a long time. I feel the same about my Borderline Personality Disorder. Now that I am recovered from it I sometimes miss a time when I didn’t feel as much as I do now. It was a simpler time. It like a bad relationship- we move on but we never forget it because it has shaped us into who we are today. Well done on your recovery.

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  2. What an inspirational post. Maybe you don’t see it that way but it is to me. I’ve had this for so so so long and have accepted I’d probably die from it. I almost looked forward to it. But here I am, in a long term iOP, post program, getting my act together. I had to completely alter what it meant to recover. It isn’t anything I thought it would be. It’s hard but the fact that you’re making it out there really, really helps!

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  3. Perhaps what you miss is how the ED made you feel. Safe? In control? Loved? Look at what you’re missing and find a healthier source to satisfy that need. It’s just like an abusive relationship–as an above commenter said–and no matter how much you miss it, you are SO much better off without it. xo

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