I hope this isn’t triggering…but I’ve got to get it off my chest.
Sometimes I really miss my eating disorder.
I live almost completely without it these days. I’m not counting calories, or restricting, or weighing myself a million times. I don’t look at foods and think about what they’ll do to me. I don’t live in the hell of anorexia.
But sometimes I miss it.
Why would I miss hell? That makes no sense. But it was so predictable. It was so…I don’t know. I knew what I was doing. I was “good” at it, as terrible and fucked up as that sounds. It was my entire life.
I spent years with anorexia running my life. I knew I’d die one day, and I was okay with that. My family came to terms with it. We all knew what was coming…it was just a matter of time.
Until it wasn’t. Until I got the help I needed. Until I took the steps forward without jumping ten feet back.
I don’t know what changed. I went to a different treatment center, but I had done that before. What changed?
While I was at the last treatment center, I faced a lot of shit. I listened to my mom tell me I was dead to her. I listened to my best friend cry on the phone about my recent suicide attempt that she barely saved me from. I came face to face with the fact that I was not only ruining my life, but burdening many around me.
And I got better. I’m not saying I’m cured, because I don’t believe in that. I don’t believe my eating disorder will ever disappear into the dark, never to be heard from again.
I also believe I can manage recovery. I can keep moving forward without getting too sidetracked.
I watched a movie trailer tonight…I think it’s a Netflix original? I’m not sure. It’s about a girl’s journey with anorexia/in treatment. I know it’s completely fucked up, but it made me miss my disorder. I miss knowing what I was doing, every second of every day. I miss that intense drive to do something. I miss it, sometimes.
I like my life. I like that I’ve come further in the past two years than I have in the six-seven prior. But there are still those days.
I hope that someday I know my purpose, other than anorexia.
-June 20, 2017