I’m writing again in hopes that I can bring on some sleep. Watching Netflix isn’t doing the trick. But hey, thankful I am getting to watch a few hours of Netflix anyway.
I had a day off today, though it seemed to go by so quickly. I suppose they always do. I tried to sleep in, but that never works too well. I got to 8:30am and just decided to get up. I almost ran some errands I needed to do, but lost the motivation. It’s just going to the grocery store, so I can do that another day. (I do have food until I go).
I had therapy today, but I didn’t talk about what I needed to talk about. My mom is probably going to be selling our house back in Baltimore within the next few weeks. The one my dad built. The one we all grew up in. It’s one of the last pieces I have of him. I feel like I’m blocking the emotions, though. In the past, when she’s talked about selling it/them knocking it down, it’s been really difficult for me. I don’t want to think about the house being bulldozed and that part of my dad being gone. I think I felt better, because as much as she spoke about selling, it never happened. But now the well has run dry there, and it’s either pay for a new well to be dug (which is too expensive), or sell. She has some company quoting her this week on what they’d give her for the house/land. Mostly the land, I suppose. It’s a really nice area. Middle of nowhere, yet somehow my everything for so long.
The memories won’t get knocked down with the house, but it just seems wrong to knock something down that my dad worked so hard to build up. I loved my house, as much as I hated what went on in it. I loved that my dad built it. I loved the area it’s in. I don’t want that piece gone.
I feel like I should be more emotional about this, and on the other hand, I don’t want to be. So maybe that’s why nothing is happening inside right now. I’ve convinced myself for so long that my mom won’t actually sell it…that I have more time. It’s running out quickly, but…I don’t know.
On a different note, I went to a modeling interview today with a company in Atlanta. It went well, which was nice. It’s comforting that they liked me in the first place. Everyone was really nice. But I talked to my sister about what they wanted from me, and my sister advised against it. As a backstory, my sister is/was a model, and she just signed with a new company after not doing it for awhile (because she had my niece). Well, her going back into it sparked my interest again. When I was 15, my dad took me down to North Carolina where my sister lived to get a modeling portfolio created. But he passed away soon after, so nothing became of my modeling. My mom was never a fan and then obviously the ED got in the way of that.
So I applied to a few companies online, and this one responded and asked me to come in for an interview. I didn’t go in with all my hopes up, so I’m not too let down. I really would love to model, but I have the mentality of “if it’s meant to happen, it will”. I’m pretty sure my ED wouldn’t be triggered by the modeling. I don’t know why I’m so confident in that, but I am. I think because I’ve been doing well for awhile now. I’ve had dips, maybe a mini-relapse, but I’ve pulled it together again. So…I don’t know. It if happens, it will. If it doesn’t, it probably means I’m meant to be doing something else with my life.
I am still debating the summer classes. I think I’ll at least do one. Honestly I’ll probably end up doing both. We’ll see.
I work all weekend, but I have some exciting things coming up. Tomorrow night I’m going to see my brother after work and have dinner with him, which should be fun. I don’t see him as often as I’d like to, even though we’re in the same state. It’s still a bit of a drive but nothing terrible. Driving to work has me more accustomed to longer drives in general now. Except for the hour and a half it took to get home from that interview today. That was brutal. That was also enhanced with the fact that I walked around Atlanta in heels for 20-30 minutes looking for my damn car (and my feet hurt something fierce).
Next week I’m going to a concert with my boyfriend. It’s his favorite band, so he’s super excited to go and to introduce me to everyone (he has a huge fan group he’s a part of, I guess you would call it…they travel and go to different shows/all know each other). I’m looking forward to that.
And going home to Baltimore for a little bit isn’t too far away. I miss my best friend more than words can say, so it’ll be awesome to see her and hug her and spend time with her. We’re actually staying with her now that my mom has no water in the house. I don’t even care that it’s an air mattress on their floor, because that means I get to spend more time with her.
That’s about it right now. I’m dreading work tomorrow but that’s nothing new. At least I love my coworkers. The job itself is really stressful at times, but they make it bearable.
❤ Hope everyone’s doing alright.
-April 27, 2017