Inadequacy Burns

Somebody please make the shit stop.

This has been such a bad day. All I really want to do is cry, but the tears won’t come out. I’m in such disbelief that the world is like this in 2017…and I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it. Anything I do is meaningless, at this point. Nothing changes. Things just seem to get worse…

I closed at work tonight, and was yelled at/talked down to by more people than usual. It wouldn’t really have gotten to me, except for the phone call that flipped me over into panic/disbelief/sadness-mode.

I answered the phone, and was asked, “I don’t mean to be racist, but are you white?”. I didn’t even want to respond, but in fear of her getting more angry than her current tone, I just said yes. She proceeded to sass at me about calling someone earlier. I didn’t know who she was talking about, and asked if she had spoken with my coworker Maria. Angrily, she said, “No”, and went silent. I said, “Okay…can I help you with something?”.
Her: “I need to speak with a manager. Are you the manager?”
Me: “No mam, but I am a shift supervisor. The manager isn’t here right now.”
Her: “I need a manager.”
Me: “I can take your number and have her call you…”
Her: “No, because that never works and I’ll never get a call back.”
Me: “Well…I can try to help you.”
She went on to ask a question, but our phones are awful and I couldn’t hear her. I asked her to repeat herself, and she proceeded to hang up on me.

That conversation left me feeling like a pile of trash. I really wanted to cry, but didn’t. I tried to move on, but proceeded to be talked down to by customers twice in the next 30 minutes.

I can’t take it anymore. I don’t understand why people feel inclined to treat me like I’m less than human, not competent enough to answer basic questions, and like I have no feelings. News flash- I am human. I do feel emotions. And you obviously can’t comprehend how your comments and anger leaves me feeling.

(I am now finishing this post the next morning)-

Yesterday was an extremely rough night for me. I got into a disagreement with my boyfriend after all of the above happened, which left me even more raw. I couldn’t stop crying, and my sleeping medicine wasn’t helping at all. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. I had a lot of suicidal and self-harm thoughts. It sucked, because it was 2am, so I pretty much had no one to talk to (since everyone was asleep). I will say, I did attempt to text two people, which was a good thing. Like I said, they’re asleep, so no one responded…but I didn’t really expect anyone to.

If you’re easily triggered, please skip this paragraph- I did not harm myself, which honestly was a miracle since my thoughts were screaming. I probably did take too much sleeping medicine, though. I took my new prescription pill, double the dose of an over the counter sleeping aid, and my PRN, along with my other nighttime meds. I knew it wasn’t the best choice, and probably overkill, but I also knew it probably wouldn’t hurt me. Part of me hoped it would, but I knew it wouldn’t. It’d mild stuff. I just wanted to stop thinking. I wanted to fall asleep and stop the shit.

I woke up pretty late this morning (obviously). And I’m still exhausted. I’m still emotional, though not to the point of the same thoughts. I’m going out with a friend tonight, so maybe that will help me smile some. I’m just really struggling with these thoughts. And I hate that it takes so much for me to fall asleep. Sleep is my escape. I get to not think about anything. I get peace. I’d rather have nightmare dreams than wake up and live a nightmare. At least I won’t remember the dreams after awhile. I still remember the people yelling at me. I still feel it in my chest. I still feel the inadequacy I’ve been plagued with. I don’t know what it will take to put me over the edge. I felt pretty damn close last night.

I’m tired of hoping I’ll eventually have something worthwhile in my life. It’s not really worth it. There’s too much pain. It never goes away. Or, if one pain goes away, it’s replaced by another. I just don’t see how I am supposed to handle this for the rest of my life. Yes, things are good in life. But I don’t know if I believe they’re worth living for.

Does my presence matter? Would my non-existence make anything different? Wouldn’t there be someone else who could easily fill my role?

It’s hard to lose someone, but at the same time, you learn to adapt. It hurts, like a knife in your chest that keeps getting twisted at random intervals…but you know that there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t make them come back, and you have to try to move forward.

People could move forward. I’m not crucial.

I’m sorry. This has taken a depressing turn. I’m just at the end of my rope. The rope is burning my hands, and the ground looks soft below…

Once again, sorry. I wish I was a better role model. Today I’m not.

-April 7, 2017

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5 thoughts on “Inadequacy Burns

  1. Listen to me love: I have felt the same way. Would things really be much worse if I wasn’t here? But that is a dangerous way of thinking. It doesn’t matter. We ARE here and we ARE alive–that is real, and true, and all that matters. It is not up for debate or discussion. I hate that those people talked down to you and made you feel like trash. You are NOT trash. Humans can be so cruel to each other and it really makes me sad. We are all in this together, but sometimes people forget that and their own dissatisfaction gets in the way. You had a bad day. You didn’t deserve it, but you got through it, and I am proud of you for that. Don’t take it out on yourself. People are assholes sometimes. It’s not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of them. It sounds like you work in some type of service industry and unfortunately people tend to be disrespectful to service workers. That’s on them, not you. Those people likely go their entire lives feeling entitled and dissatisfied. Sad, really. Pass them off and get back to your life. You are here and you deserve respect just as much as anyone else. You have so much life in you it’s unbelievable. Don’t let some assholes that don’t even matter to you take that away.

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    1. Thank you so much for this comment. I really do appreciate it, and it’s nice to be reminded that there are good, kind people in the world as well. I do like that way of thinking about it- that my existence is not up for debate. I’ve been struggling with my relationship with my higher power lately, but that speaks to me in that way. I’ll have to remind myself to think of it that way next time I’m feeling that low. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Right off the bat I’m glad you posted. I found that for me, getting my thoughts and feelings out of me helped even if just a little. It is like my subconscious is thinking, “okay, it’s written down so I don’t have to ruminate on it so much.”

    I’m not going to sit here and write that you are worthwhile, etc, even though you are, because people always say that to me when I’m depressed and my immediate reaction is that they simply can’t understand. Rather than that I’m going to say that I understand. I’ve had so many periods of depression that I can almost stand outside myself and check off the list of things that make me want to kill myself. However, I’m a complete coward so would rather starve myself to death. Then at least it would hurt my dad a wee bit less since it was a disease that killed me instead off me directly. Fortunately I do want to live. That is probably the motivation that keeps me in recovery.

    I simply want to validate your feelings.

    Your job is obviously horrible but sadly sometimes we are stuck in the job we get. I’d love if you could find another one but that’s easier said than done. I’m thinking of the girls who work at Lucky Brand store, where I get my jeans. They are all so nice and get along wonderfully. They exemplify what customer service can be however, they are an oasis in what customer service really is, as you are experiencing.

    If I may be so bold… in one of my recent post, “Guess What,” I talk about how in group we were challenged on the sentence, “I feel awful if someone gets upset with me.” I always take it personal which makes me feel like a horrible person, and down the spiral I go. One of the girls in group responded by saying she’d tell the person, “you don’t know who I am!” and leave. I wondered if that is what normal people do. She stands up for herself, I cower in shame. It feeds into my desire to get smaller and smaller till I disappeared. It’s an awful feeling but it’s a reality of life. I’d like to think that I can change.

    I wish I could give you advice, tell you how to reframe the situation, whatever… but I’m still so reactive that I can’t talk from experience. So, know you are not alone, know that someone out here really does understand, and know that there is life beyond your job. Even if we are broken, we are still human beings.

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    1. Thank you. I really mean that. I don’t know how to explain it correctly, but I’m sure you’ll understand…I don’t like knowing other people feel this way, because I don’t want to think anyone should or can feel this way. But it’s also some type of comforting to my heart that people can understand. That they’ve been there. That they’re still here. And we can talk about it, write about it, and not be shamed or condemned for it…but met with compassion and kindness.

      I thank you for that ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I do understand and made mention of that from time to time on my blog and in comments. I hate that anyone has gone through whatever they have so that they do understand, but I don’t know how I’d survive without their understanding.

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