Where Did The Time Go?

I’ve been struggling emotionally lately. I’ve been feeling a lot of anger…but more at myself than anything else. When something bothers me, I don’t know why, but I hardly ever say anything. It’s so automatic that five minutes later, I’m wondering why I said nothing. I had several opportunities this past week to speak my truth, and I naturally skipped out. So I am left with myself, laying in bed at night, hating that I have no courage. Hating that it’s so damn automatic for me to just shut up. I don’t even know that I think to say anything in the moment. I just…freeze.

Anxiety is building, anger is building, and feeling trapped is almost consistent in my life right now. I want to have five minutes to myself, yet I’m always caught up doing something. I feel like I need a retreat. To just take a few days to myself. I’m too overwhelmed with this fast pace of life. Especially since I don’t feel like I’m getting closer to anything. I’m just gliding.

On the more positive side, I applied to volunteer for the Crisis Text Line. I would spend four hours (or more) a week with them, answering the texts people send in. I could see it being somewhat difficult, just with my nature of wanting to save people…but they provide a lot of training and assistance, so I think I can learn how to be effective in this role. I’m really looking forward to it…it’s something that actually works towards what I believe is my purpose (helping/inspiring other people). After going through treatment for seven years, and going from hell to the top, I’ve always thought I made it through so that I can help other people do the same. So…maybe this will help me feel more positive about my own life.

I don’t know what else to say. I will try to update more, I suppose.

-March 31, 2017

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3 thoughts on “Where Did The Time Go?

  1. I know exactly what you mean when you say you wish you could take a few days just for yourself. I feel this way all the time. Between school, work, adult responsibilities and social life (which has dwindled as of late due to ED), I often find myself just wishing I could take a day off. A weekday, like a Tuesday. A day that isn’t reserved for anything else, when I can do whatever I want, which would probably entail nothing more than staying in my bed and reading all day. It’s hard to keep up when you live a fast-paced life. But it also keeps us going, I think. I hope you find a day off soon. xo

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  2. Perhaps this will help you find your voice. Just maybe you’ll go from text to phone to offline people. It’s a process that takes time. Your head seems in the right space though. I wish you all the best in this new adventure!!

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