My struggle with school seems to only be mounting.
I started wondering last night, what the point is of school (for me). I’m having an enormously difficult time. It’s causing so much anxiety that I don’t even know if it’s worth it. I know the popular answer to “is school worth it” is obviously yes, but…my question is, how do I reign in this anxiety over it?
It’s ruining my days. It’s disturbing my sleep. I lay there at night, just like last night, obsessing, fearful, and being harsh on myself. All I think about is the fact that I can’t remember the information being taught…that I’m not going to do well on the test next week because I’ve never done well on tests. Being older and in college is no exception to that fact. This test is worth 20% of my grade. If I don’t do well, I may have to withdraw from the class (or try to make it through with the possibility of failing). I failed math last semester for that very reason- tests.
I have tried to find help through my school. My therapist tried to help me with forms to have adaptations made for me (learning disability things). My school was ridiculously unhelpful, and I gave up after trying to do it myself (and failing to be able to figure it out).
Even if I do make it through this test, through this class, through undergrad…my degree will be in English. I have to go to graduate school and get something more than that. It’s never ending.
I want to be able to finish school. I want to have a degree. I know I want to have a family, and have kids, but I want to be an example to my kids. I want to have a degree, to be able to tell them I made it through college.
Just having a GED is not enough for me. But this anxiety is too overwhelming.
And I am stuck.
-March 2, 2017