Running in Circles

Short Update:

I feel like I’m “back on track” with eating. I put that in quotes because, yes, I am eating “normally”, but I don’t feel good about it. I feel like I am overeating, eating shitty food that isn’t good for me anyway, and eating with no self control whatsoever.

I hate that I always eat when I’m hungry. I hate that this happens multiple times in between meals. I hate that whatever I eat never seems to be enough. I hate that I feel like a slave to my hunger.

I know I’ve gained back some of the weight I’ve lost. I think knowing this is enough to mess with my body image, to extreme proportions. I looked in the mirror tonight and hated what I saw. I see curves…everywhere. I don’t know why my ideal body is that of a child. I try to tell myself I’m 24, I am a woman, and I am supposed to have curves. But that’s kind of like telling myself that the sky is actually orange. It’s not true to me.

Why am I the exception? Why do I get to be different than everyone else? Why do I want to be different than everyone else my age?

I don’t think that I’m better than anyone else in any way. I don’t think I’m completely different than everyone else my age. I have similarities, and I have differences…just like everyone else.

Yet I hold myself to different standards. I impose rules on myself that I would never impose on someone else. I treat myself like I would never treat someone else.

Because it’s me. And I am not comfortable with me.

I wish I could eat without hating myself…because I eat several times a day now. I don’t enjoy the self-loathing that follows every bite of food. I don’t want to spend a majority of my day hating myself for “indulging”…or not being able to stop myself from eating when hungry.

Rationally, I am not over-eating. I am probably eating a fine amount, according to a dietitian or whoever else on my treatment team. So it’s very frustrating when I know this, yet can’t apply it.

I am frustrating myself. What else is new.

-February 17, 2017

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3 thoughts on “Running in Circles

  1. I just wanted to say that this post really resonated with me. Maybe it is because you mention you are 24, and so am I. Sometimes I feel like I am too old to have an eating disorder, that I need to just accept that I am an adult, and should have an ‘adult body’. I find this hard too, so I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone x

    Liked by 1 person

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