I feel like I’m “back on track” with eating. I put that in quotes because, yes, I am eating “normally”, but I don’t feel good about it. I feel like I am overeating, eating shitty food that isn’t good for me anyway, and eating with no self control whatsoever.
I hate that I always eat when I’m hungry. I hate that this happens multiple times in between meals. I hate that whatever I eat never seems to be enough. I hate that I feel like a slave to my hunger.
I know I’ve gained back some of the weight I’ve lost. I think knowing this is enough to mess with my body image, to extreme proportions. I looked in the mirror tonight and hated what I saw. I see curves…everywhere. I don’t know why my ideal body is that of a child. I try to tell myself I’m 24, I am a woman, and I am supposed to have curves. But that’s kind of like telling myself that the sky is actually orange. It’s not true to me.
Why am I the exception? Why do I get to be different than everyone else? Why do I want to be different than everyone else my age?
I don’t think that I’m better than anyone else in any way. I don’t think I’m completely different than everyone else my age. I have similarities, and I have differences…just like everyone else.
Yet I hold myself to different standards. I impose rules on myself that I would never impose on someone else. I treat myself like I would never treat someone else.
Because it’s me. And I am not comfortable with me.
I wish I could eat without hating myself…because I eat several times a day now. I don’t enjoy the self-loathing that follows every bite of food. I don’t want to spend a majority of my day hating myself for “indulging”…or not being able to stop myself from eating when hungry.
Rationally, I am not over-eating. I am probably eating a fine amount, according to a dietitian or whoever else on my treatment team. So it’s very frustrating when I know this, yet can’t apply it.
I am frustrating myself. What else is new.
-February 17, 2017