Failure Rings

Besides accepting the promotion, I’ve actually had a pretty terrible week. Monday I woke up with some sort of stomach virus, which caused me to leave work after a few hours. I didn’t go to school, didn’t take my tests…which meant I had to make them up today. Same day that I have to present my informative speech.

I was still feeling like shit yesterday. I wasn’t throwing up anymore, but I still had intense nausea. It’s the kind where you just wish you’d get sick to get it over with. Unfortunately that didn’t happen so I was pretty miserable all day…not to mention my stomach wouldn’t tolerate the usual four shots of espresso I drink. So I was sleepy.

It took me hours yesterday to finalize my speech, finish the presentation materials, and practice. I did really well when I practiced…I had it all together.

Today I presented first in front of the class. It was miserable. I was shaking. I was self-conscious. I knew I was stuttering and repeating myself. I lost all of the words I wanted to say. My teacher assured me that I did far better than passing, but I don’t know what that means. I don’t see how I could have. It was just awful. I wanted to disappear. Not to mention I was shaking for a long time afterwards, along with my heart going crazy.

I made up the two exams I missed today as well, and I did poorly on both of them. C’s for both, which I guess I could expect (I’m terrible with tests). I feel like my mind is just in a hundred different directions. I can’t concentrate, much less retain information. It’s in one ear and out the other. And not for lack of trying. I just can’t do it.

I feel like I’m terrible at school. This is all just confirming the fact that I’ll be at Starbucks for the rest of my life. I don’t test well, I can’t speak well, and everything just seems really difficult for me. I failed one class last semester, and I’m feeling really discouraged about this semester as well. I don’t know how I am supposed to move forward in a career in life if I can’t even get by in school. What happens if I can’t pass school? What if this anxiety over school is real, and I’m actually just a really terrible student?

I feel stupid. I really hate myself for being this stupid.

I don’t know how to cope. Right now, I’d like nothing more than to go home, hide in my bed, and cry. I don’t want to be in this world right now. I don’t want to interact, or be present. I want to go into hiding.

I can be a good barista. I know what to do. And now I’m moving forward, becoming a shift supervisor…what if I fail at that as well? What am I supposed to do with myself?

I just want this to end. I want to feel like I’m capable of something. Anything.

 

This week needs to end.

-February 8, 2017

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