And Now, There’s This…

Today I was offered a promotion. I haven’t told many people…my coworkers don’t know. I have until Monday to decide.

I’m going to talk to my boss about it tomorrow…I just don’t know what to do. I’m not in a place mentally to take it. My treatment team is talking about inpatient- as much as I fight with them, and tell them no, I have to be realistic and know that they do have that power. I can say I’m fine all I want, but that is still my reality. If I take this promotion, then have to up and leave…will I even have a job left?

I’d have to leave my coworkers. They’re my favorite people. I love them…I look forward to seeing them every day. They’ve become some of my best friends. Would that be the same at another store? Would they like me there too?

I could work less with this promotion. I could work 25-30 hours instead of 35-40. It’s a huge difference. The store is also further away. I’d be driving 30-35 minutes, versus my current 16-19 minutes. I have to take that somewhat into consideration.

I’ve worked so damn hard to get to where I am with this job. I’ve been with Starbucks for almost five years. In the beginning, I wasn’t a good employee. I was heavy into my ED and had to leave for medical problems a lot…not to mention weeks off for treatment multiple times. When I moved to Georgia, I told myself it would be different. I wouldn’t be a worthless employee. And I’ve worked really hard to make that a reality.

I want to take this promotion. But if I take it and am forced into treatment, I could potentially lose my job.

And the answer to all of this is: get your shit together. Eat. Just follow a meal plan, increase your intake, and get your damn shit together. I mean, is this really worth it? Is losing weight and restricting worth it?

I’ve acted on my ED for many stupid reasons. I’ve been faced with a lot. I had to leave high school and get my GED because of it. I’ve had to drop out of college after already starting late. I’ve had to say goodbye to friends, make family not want to speak to me…for what?

I still can’t venture to understand what this compulsion is. It’s so confusing and aggravating to me. I know what I need to do. I know I need to do it now. But I can’t get up, go into the kitchen, and just eat.

I’ve always hated that- when someone tells you to “just eat”. It’s not that simple. It never will be.

But I really need to figure out what the answer is.

And what I will do with this now.

-February 2, 2017

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