Yesterday I had a really tough therapy session. I almost asked if I could leave early, but I didn’t in fear of offending her. She kept asking me what I was willing to do, what changes I am going to make, and challenging basically everything that came out of my mouth. It was most unbearable when I told her I was fine, and she said, “No, Carly, you’re not. You are not fine.”
She also talked about people who are in and out of treatment so much because they thinking being in treatment is easier. Your life is ruled for you…they tell you what to do, and when to do it. I asked if she was implying that that was me. She said, “No, I’m not saying that is you. But I’m not saying it isn’t.”
That actually got me pretty mad. I have been telling her repeatedly that I will not go into treatment. I can’t afford to do that right now. I am not fucking up my life again, taking weeks and weeks off…for what? I can handle myself. So why would that give her the impression that I’m seeking treatment?
I don’t know what to say anymore to her, or anyone on my treatment team. I want to run away. I want to just do what I want to do. But I know that isn’t how it’s going to be.
And the thing is, I don’t dislike her, or anyone on my team. I actually really love my therapist. She’s been an amazing person to work with. I just don’t want to hear these words again. I don’t want to face the fact that at a certain point, treatment providers have more power than I do. Thinking about it right now, they already do. I cannot control my ED. I don’t know how to right now. They tell me to tell my ED no; to defy what it orders me to do. As many times as I’ve been in treatment…I still don’t know how. I cannot explain the sheer panic I feel when I even venture to think of defying that voice. I feel like the world would collapse in on me. I logically know it won’t, that I’ll be fine…but that panic is terrifying. That panic keeps me “in line”. That panic is the ED.
I really wish I knew how to start eating again…start putting weight back on without despising myself and wanting to disappear. I want to know how to turn my life around in a way that doesn’t kill my sanity.
I know how to eat. I don’t know how to kill of ED.
-February 1, 2017