This weekend has been a whirlwind. I’ve been extremely busy, that’s for sure. I did manage to get some quality Netflix time in. My cat is currently forcing herself into my hand so that I pet her while I type. Life as usual.
Eating has been more challenging than I predicted (I say this from predicting it would be very difficult). Yesterday especially, I couldn’t eat anything without my stomach intensely protesting. I felt nauseous, my stomach was cramping…it was highly discouraging. Even if I wanted to try to eat something, I was scared to because of the after effects. It did get a little bit better today, but just by a little. A little is better than none, though.
I’m motivated to move forward, but terrified of what that means. I know there’s more to life than this stupid nonsense, but the stupid nonsense is compelling. I don’t understand why I feel the compulsion to do it. I suppose it’s like any vice- you just run to it, not completely working out the “why” for each time you do it. You just…do.
I strive so hard not to be this person. I know I can do better than what I thought was my former self.
But I’m really struggling. The physical side effects almost hurt as bad as the mental.
I still find enjoyment from life. I have a lot of fun with my friends and boyfriend. The happiness I exude is not fake. That is indeed an upgrade from my former self.
I just want to be the best version of myself. I know the ED doesn’t factor into that at all. Logically, I know I need to move forward from it.
Yet logic won’t apply. I keep trying, and the thoughts keep rising up.
As I’ve said before, it’s limbo…except more so than before, I’m leaning off the cliff. I know the consequences for my actions. They’ve been laid in front of me.
I want to shake myself. To make myself to the right thing. To move past this junk that fills my head with lies.
And I’m scared.
Something needs to change….I just don’t know how.
-January 29, 2017