I need to figure out how to turn things around. My therapist looked at what I ate yesterday, and she (obviously) said it wasn’t enough. I say obviously because I know myself it’s not enough. I expected that reaction, which is part of the reason I didn’t want to do it in the first place. She also inadvertently found out about the scale I bought. I didn’t intend on telling her that, which I can understand is mostly lying…but when she asked me straight up, I couldn’t lie directly to her. As I said before, I’m not good at that. I don’t want to be good at that. Being good at lying to people who are helping you is not something I ever want to achieve.
So I know she is concerned. We made goals for myself that I’m going to try to achieve. My goal is going to the grocery store, buying ingredients, and cooking a meal. I know she said she wants me to eat the meal, but I’m starting smaller. I haven’t really been eating meals, so that would be more difficult. I also agreed to do hypnotherapy. She’s licensed in it. I find it easier to do than EMDR was. They’re both difficult for me, but hypnotherapy was a little better.
I also saw my psychiatrist today. She weighed me, and was concerned about it. I ended up telling her what was going on. Being open with psychiatrists is also more difficult, because they’ve always been the ones pushing inpatient. Which, yeah, she did mention. It scared me. She said if things keep going how they are now, I’ll need to go into the hospital. I haven’t heard that phrase in what, a year and a half? That’s a long time in my book. It kind of shook me up. I had this conversation with my therapist too- I’ve been telling myself that even if it does get to the point of me needing treatment, I wouldn’t go. I literally cannot take that time off from life/work/school/etc. I don’t want to go (yeah, who does). And she mentioned court order. I try to tell myself that can’t happen, but I know all too well it can. I choose to ignore many things, this being one of them.
I really don’t want to go down this path again. I did tell one person in my life that I’m struggling. I was honest with him because I feel I can be vulnerable with him without feeling self-conscious. He loves me, and I know and feel that. I wouldn’t want to keep something like this from him.
And honestly, he helps me more than anything right now. Being with him makes me feel less anxious. It makes me happy. I feel like I can eat with him- I have an easier time with him. Things don’t seem so daunting.
I will make this work. I need to make this work. I don’t want to mess up my life more than it needs to be.
-January 26, 2017