To Feel Good, To Be Confused

I feel good, and I feel guilt for feeling good. I came so close today to reaching out. I nearly started typing that text. That’s all it takes- one text. Push your fingers into a screen, hit send. It’s done. You can’t take it back, and maybe that’s a good thing.

So close.

And then, again, I did not.

I waited. I didn’t act; I waited. I backed out. I convinced myself that this is better kept to myself. I better keep to myself.

Why don’t I deserve it? Why do I move my leg to go forward, and sharply take it back?

What is the reason for the hate?

I don’t know anymore. I don’t make sense. Things that don’t have a definitive answer have always stressed me out. I need a step by step plan to fix this. Give me that plan, and I can move through it. I can pick my foot up and move it to the next step.

And no, not the twelve steps. That isn’t what I’m talking about. I’m talking about how to eat. How to not hate my body. How to open the fridge and pick something I want instead of this stupid salad or grilled chicken. How do I recover, when nothing is wrong anyway and I am doing this for no reason???

Do you ever wonder why you do something? You do that something, whatever it is, because it’s a habit. You do it every day, or you do it every Thursday. Whatever it is. You stop, at some point, and wonder why you keep that tradition up.

Many have reasons. Some don’t.

Today was a good day. I didn’t mess up in front of my regional manager, which was a plus. My boss and my regional manager had a conversation about me, which my boss relayed to me afterwards…and it was good. It was great. Apparently the other managers in the district are talking about me, saying how much they like me. Here’s a backstory- I did the barista championships awhile back, and I got really emotional for getting second place, because I could have sworn I’d be dead last. It meant so much to me to be able to be in it, to actually jump out of my hard little shell and be present with the world. The fact that I did well in something I thought I’d die doing, felt absolutely incredible.

And it made me so proud today that people are noticing. That I’m actually valuable to the company I work for. I love that feeling of purpose.

That right there was a LOT of motivation for me to start getting my shit together. I felt in that moment, that that was enough for me to stop my behaviors. Get back on track, and start doing what I need to do.

I don’t really know why I’m doubting that train of thought.

I did step out of my comfort zone today, and ate something at work when I was starving. I ate something I, as of late, haven’t considered “okay”. And I felt good about it.

Now I feel shitty. Now I feel the anxiety of it all.

I just want to feel normal. I don’t want to hate myself.

Why is it so hard to do that?

-January 20, 2017

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