Sink or Swim Territory

Is it a problem if it’s not defined? How will I know when to stop? How will I know how to stop? Is there a certain line where it transfers from “sort of” to “absolute”?

It seems I’m losing focus. When I think to reach out to someone, I hold back. There’s always some reason I shouldn’t do it. There’s always the hesitation that “it’s really not that big a deal”. I can stop when I go too far, right?

I’ve never been able to stop before. I don’t even know if I can stop now. It’s worrisome to me, but I somehow think I have the ability to make it through. I have before. I will again.

I don’t like to think this is a “lapse”, much less a relapse. It might be, though. Secretive behaviors never really amount to any good. For me, or anyone, that is. For the eating disorder, it’s a joyous state to be in.

I know I can get high on the behaviors. I can wrap myself completely in the ED blanket and spend all of my time thinking about things that normally, wouldn’t matter. Weight, size, people’s perception of me…my perceptions of myself. I would really rather be concentrating on the semester that just begun. I’d like to retain this information, not sit in the class at the end wondering what just went down.

My ability to retain is hurting. I listen to my teachers in class with that exact situation…I hear them. I know I’m listening. But I have no idea what they just said.

I want to listen. I want to learn. I want to move forward, not back.

I feel that I’m inching towards “in too deep”-territory. But no one knows. I’m too scared. Or too protective. Or both.

I’ll need to gather courage to tell someone soon. I can’t let this be how 2017 begins. It’s disheartening.

-January 18, 2017


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