Can’t Tell

Everything seems very confusing right now. I feel like my behaviors are under control, yet at the same time, are causing me some concern. I switch back and forth between wondering if it’s a problem, to being convinced that I’m perfectly fine. One minute I want to reach out to someone and talk about it…and the next I’m sworn into silence.

My mind is being tricky. I really have no emotional reason to be acting this way. No PTSD flare-ups, no multitude of panic attacks…nothing that would send me into relapse. And I don’t consider where I’m at to be a relapse. It’s just inching it’s way to that direction.

Maybe I have an ED for no reason. Maybe I just want to feel better about my body, and that’s it. Maybe it’s just an old habit coming back up.

I wish I knew why I was acting this way. I want to know so that I can fix it. Or talk about it, or address it, or give it some kind of acknowledgement in any fashion.

When there’s a problem, I want directions on how to fix it. I don’t like wondering, and waiting, and hoping/praying for some kind of interference.

Why do I act the way I do? Shouldn’t there be more of an explanation than what I’m seeing? Am I just being a brat?

It’s really difficult to be in this position, and not feel any confidence or safety in bringing it up to anyone. I’m scared. That is the truth. I want someone to know, but I also want to deal with it by myself. I want to be able to stay stable without anyone intervening and making me stop.

I can’t go back down that road. I don’t know why I would think it’s a good idea. I don’t know why I can’t stop rationalizing.

I don’t know why I can’t just be normal.

Whatever that is.

-January 16, 2017


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