*Caution-struggling some. This post might be triggering to some (there are no specifics). Just a warning.*
I feel like I’m hanging out in limbo right now with my eating disorder. I’m kind of acting on it, kind of not. I make good decisions, then I make some poor ones. I don’t know what I’m attempting to accomplish, here. I’ve been doing so well…but somehow ED is sneaking it’s way in. The reassuring falsebutseemtrue statements are taking over my brain. I know I don’t need to lose weight. But I feel like I can. I know I need to eat. But I feel like I don’t.
At times like these, I just wish I could be normal. Whatever normal is. I wish I didn’t think about my weight every hour of the day. I wish I could see my body the way others see it. I wish I could not have a heart attack in communications class when I have to go speak in front of the entire class.
Anxiety gets the best of me. And I feel I need to grasp onto something that will make me feel in control. As much as I become so out of control in the end…the allusion of control remains within the symptoms.
I don’t want to go backwards. I’m trying my best to get through this. And I just have to keep trying…
-January 12, 2017