The Stubborn Pull

Everything seems stressful right now. Work is stressful…everyone’s hours are being cut, and of course everyone wants more hours. I now have to be even more super careful about money. There’s also some drama at work right now (I mean, there always is, but it’s getting more involved). I feel like work is my life. I don’t want it to be, but it is.

Maybe school starting will help? I don’t know. I do know that school can be very stressful…but I am taking one less class this semester. And one of the three is online. I’m testing out how that goes (I’ve never taken an online class before). I’m excited for zoology, at least.

Triggers have been high lately, too. It’s really difficult, because mentally, I would really like to restrict. I keep having severe urges to lose weight. As usual, it makes no logical sense. My entire treatment team tells me it’s not necessary. It’s just hard to believe anyone else, sometimes. It’s odd to me, that I trust my therapist so much…yet when it comes to behaviors, or ED-stuff, I’m stubborn. I give her sass. I don’t want to, but there’s a wall I’m holding up, and I won’t let it go. I can’t let it crash, because I’ll be left with a disastrous mess. I want to let it go…somewhere inside, I want to. It’s more complicated than that.

I hope that one day, I won’t respond to life’s stress with the thoughts of restricting. I wish I could just be okay with taking a bath, or a walk, or any other healthy behavior. I don’t know.

Also, if anyone believes in praying for cats, that’d be lovely. My furball is having some health issues…it’s also emotionally-taxing. I love her lots.

Carly out. ❤

-January 4, 2017

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