Let’s be blunt- I am super lonely right now. I’m tired, because I drove all over Georgia today. I’m anxious, because my hunger cues are always set to “Starving”. I’m worried, because my cat got two teeth extracted, and she’s in a lot of pain (and acting differently because of it). I’m dreading working 8.5 hours tomorrow, mostly because I’m super tired right now. I’ve been debating going to bed since 4:30pm.
I’m about to go to bed, honestly. Yes, it’s 7:26pm right now. No shame. Because while I did have an interview today, and that was a great opportunity, my emotions are everywhere and it’s tiring. I just want some peace.
I went to a yoga class two Friday’s ago, and it felt great. I didn’t go last week, because I was tired (imagine that). And now my current exhaustion (and pending work-exhaustion tomorrow) is deterring me from wanting to go this week. I love yoga. I want to go. Why am I this tired?
I wish I could be not lonely, and not tired. Mostly, I’d just like some peace. I’d like to not feel sick to my stomach thinking about my emotions, my life, and my surroundings. I worry about things that aren’t even real yet.
And it always comes back to the food, whether I admit it or not. I’ve had thoughts all day of finding some way to suppress my appetite. My overwhelming hunger is beyond agitating to me. I hate always needing to go eat something. Why isn’t enough, enough? It’s hard for me, because my emotional status usually creates a full-feeling for me. I restrict to make myself feel better…which is why the hunger bothers me so much. I don’t like needing to eat. I want to be the one in control of those things. I don’t want my body reminding me, controlling me. And I speak as if my body isn’t a part of me. Like it’s some foreign object. Because sometimes, it feels that way. Like my head is not connected with the rest of me. Does that make any sense?
I am a super cat lover, and I want my kitty to not be in this much pain. She was purring just a little earlier, while I had my arm around her and bumped heads with her. That’s improvement, at least. She hasn’t made any other noise. That concerns me. She’s usually very vocal.
I know it’s just a matter of time. It just happened yesterday. She needs to be in less pain.
I don’t know anymore. I’m sure things will work out, however they are meant to.
Just felt like I needed to update.
As a side note, the fall 2016 school semester is finally over (for real), and I’m content with how I did. I failed math, which obviously is frustrating, but I know there are bigger things in life (and I will really try to do better next time).
Also, this says a lot coming from a perfectionist.
-December 15, 2016