Question #19

Question: Which is the hardest thing you ever had to do?

Answer: I’ve had a lot of hard things I’ve had to do. I can’t really narrow it down to one. So, here’s a few:

First of all, saying goodbye to my dad. That was rough as hell. I wanted to say the perfect thing; I wanted to say everything I could ever want to say. But you walk into that room, and everything changes. Something washes over you, and you forget what you planned out before. You say whatever your heart screams, and that’s it. Then it’s over, and you can’t go back. You can’t re-do. Everything left unsaid remains that way forever. It’s extremely difficult to think about and deal with on a daily basis.

Second, I’d say choosing recovery from my eating disorder. Before I went into treatment for the last time, I was done. I had chosen to give up. It was the easier choice. It seemed to be the right choice. I had absolutely no faith that I could ever recover, or live a happy life. I was convinced I was meant to die, and end the suffering for everyone else around me. Choosing to go to residential treatment after that…I don’t know. It took a lot. I mostly did it because if you’ve been through treatment, you know that the option for residential is a gift. Most insurances won’t do it. My insurance offered it as a last resort, since I had spent so much time/years inpatient. I took that chance because otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to say I did everything I could. I told myself that if it doesn’t work out, it’s not that different from where I was then. I made that choice, and I am alive and happy (for the most part) today.

Third, I would say going through re-feeding and the side effects of an eating disorder. I spent a massive amount of time lying on the cold floor of my bathroom, feeling nauseous as hell but unable to get sick (due to no food being in my stomach), and feeling close to passing out. Many times I would bring a pillow and blanket into the bathroom and camp out lying on the floor. Many times it felt as though I’d die right there. Re-feeding too…I can’t explain the pain it causes. I went from numb/not hungry anymore due to heavy restricting, to basically force-feeding myself tiny amount, to throwing up anything I consumed (involuntarily, which is worse), to blood levels being all over the place and fucking with my body, to my stomach bloating, so constant nausea, to realizing the fact that my meal plan would only increase over time…it keeps going. Re-feeding hurts more than people realize. I hated the sincere effort it took to even convince myself to eat that small meal, to then involuntarily throwing it up in the middle of the hallway (then having to drink two supplements in its place). It’s bad.

I’d also say breaking up with people. Telling someone you love them, but they’re not right for you (or you’re not right for them), or telling someone you’re unhappy (even though they might be over the moon)…it’s just hard. I hate messing people’s lives up, even if it means better things for me. I take the mostly unnecessary blame, and it radiates for a long time throughout me.

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