Feeling The Past Truth

Time to get real.

I’m constantly hesitant to post anything “real” on this page. Sometimes, I do, and I believe it’s worth it. But many times, I’m worried because this page was made to create a portfolio for a college class. I’ve had a separate blog going for years, but decided it was too much at once to have both going.

I always want to post what I’m really feeling, really going through, and not just “programmed”posts. I hesitate because my professor or my class might be reading.

But when it comes down to it, this life is for me. I was planning on continuing this page after the class ends as my new blog, so why not start creating “real” posts now?

And I shall.

This past weekend has been so good, and so hard. I’ve been able to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend, which is nice for me. He is extremely understanding and supportive of me in everything I do. It’s nice to have my best friend with me.

It’s been difficult with other aspects, though. I’m not sure why, but my body image has been plummeting. Over the past few days, or maybe week, I’ve become more and more focused on the dislike of my physical appearance. It causes me to stress about everything I consume, and think twice on eating something when I’m actually hungry.

Sound familiar? It does to me. I know (to some degree) that it’s my eating disorder trying to stage a comeback. It does this, from time to time. I’ve been able to win over the past year/plus.

But man, is it convincing.

After leaving treatment, and over the past year, I have lost some weight. It was not intentional, and honestly I’ve tried to ignore it or justify it when it comes up with my treatment team. They constantly ask the questions, “What if you were to gain weight? Would that be acceptable to you?”, and, “When will you be concerned that the weight loss is too much?”.

I know my answers to these questions. Most times, I say that gaining weight wouldn’t be terrible. Not a lot, but some. I tell them that the weight loss isn’t too much because it’s not intentional. I am just living my life, and maybe that’s where my body wants to be.

And I do believe this theory. I am not intentionally restricting, and my weight is not critical by any means.

(See, I justify).

But anyway. I’ve felt pretty shitty this past week, because it feels like I have gained some weight back. If this is even true (which sometimes it isn’t), then my previous answer was incorrect. I could not have gained a substantial amount in a week or two, or enough to make me realize that my body has totally changed.

Yet…I feel that it has. And it’s causing me distress.

Why does it matter? Why do I care? I have a lot more things to worry about- more important things that a few pounds here or there. But it’s on my mind. That’s the thing about eating disorders…they demand the attention, even when it’s totally unwarranted. I am in school full time, as well as working full time, as well as dating someone and attempting to have a social life. Those things alone take up enough of my time. I do not need to waste time worrying if my stomach looks larger than yesterday.

And yet, I do. Why is this? I can list off the “logical” reasons; the reasons you learn in treatment as to why the eating disorder is a part of one’s life. Am I stressed out? Yes. Does the ED pop up when I’m stressed? Yes. Does it help me become less stressed? No, not really. I just divert my stress-attention to my body and eating habits. Is this efficient? Not at all.

I can logic my way through this dialogue, but logic plays no part in the ED-life. My ED has never responded to logic.

I am writing this all out, not because I have some magic cure to my stress areas, but because writing helps me cope. Maybe someone out there will read this and understand where I’m at. Maybe someone can connect.

To top it off, this is the eve of someone’s death for me. November 14, 2012 was the day he died. My crazy life…I went to a certain inpatient treatment facility for many years. Most every time I went inpatient, I was on the eating disorder unit. A few select times, I was on the “young adult” general unit. There I met someone, Phil. Phil and I dated for awhile. We broke up, then were getting back together…and then he committed suicide.

To think back on my life at that point is hard. It’s even worse when I acknowledge that during this time, I was receiving ECT treatments. My memory is pretty shot. A lot of what I know is from my mom telling me.

I don’t have the privilege of remembering much of my time with Phil. However, I continue to feel the ache, and the pain of his loss.

So that is what’s going on for me in my life right now. My eating disorder is probably attempting to stage it’s comeback through my stress and grief. In the past, it would have been very successful. In the present, it is less.

I hope that tomorrow doesn’t bring too much pain. And if it does, there’s hopefully maybe tomorrow’s that won’t.

-November 13, 2016

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