Hellish Decisions

This post does discuss suicide. It’s a reflection on the way society views it. If this might trigger you, please feel free to not continue.

So today we had to present our group projects in my World Lit class. We had just read parts of Dante’s Inferno, so our project was to create our version of hell. The layers, the punishments, the people, etc. All in all, it was an interesting project and concept. It took my partner and I about four continuous hours to get it done (last Thursday), and I feel like we did a good job. I kind of realized in the back of my head that when everybody shared their versions today, things would get heated.

One of the layers of hell in the actual story was the “Wood of Suicides”, maybe also known as “Forest of Suicides”. But you get the idea. When my partner and I came to that layer in our breakdown, we decided to get rid of it. There was no question in my mind that those who have committed suicide should not be included in hell.

In my personal opinion, if you’re going through that much pain on earth that you are considering suicide, you’re already in hell. I know this to be true from my own experience.

I did not try to commit suicide to prove any points. I did not attempt because I hated God, or thought I was better than any higher power who may have given me life. I was not on a power trip, or trying to get back at anyone.

So why is suicide means for damnation?

Some people call suicide selfish. I have never known this to be true. When I was considering it as an actual option for myself, I truly and utterly believed that my loved ones would be happier without me.

And I suppose you could look at that as insanity. Maybe it was. But that’s what I knew to be true. Reflecting on my life at any point doing my darkest years caused me to be realize that by my hurting, I was hurting others. I watched my mom and family range from denial, to desperation, to anger. I watched my mom give up her hope for me ever recovering. I watched friends walk away from being in my life because my pain was too much for them to carry. And I do not blame anyone for that, besides myself (I’m still in the process of self-forgiveness).

Yes, it did hurt to watch friends and family walk away. And in those moments, it did cause me to further believe that I was unwanted, unloved, and not necessary on this earth.

I knew it was my hurt that caused them pain. So, yes, my “logical” solution was to remove the pain. My “logical” solution was to remove myself.

Waking up every day, wishing I hadn’t, hurt. Looking at myself in the mirror in disgust, hurt. Feeling like all I could do “right” was lose weight, hurt. Believing that my suicide would make everyone else happier, was my reality.

So how could you tell that person, how could I look back and tell myself, you belong in hell?

was in hell. I was. And that is why I do not believe those who take their lives belong in hell.

It hurts to listen to people tell the class that “Robin Williams is in this layer of hell” (I believe 2-3 of the groups used him as an example). It hurts to listen to people explain tortures that suicide victims will go through in their example of hell.

It helps me to believe that suicide victims go to heaven. I firmly believe that anyone going through that much pain on earth deserves to be at peace, in a better place. I’ve watched friends commit suicide, and that is the number one thing that helps me cope- believing that the torturous voices that inflicted their minds on earth have been put to rest.

I dream for a world that feels the way I do. I dream for a world of better acceptance, understanding, and drive to help those in need instead of condemn them.

Just something to think about.

-November 1, 2016

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