Re-Do? Pondering.

Question to Ponder: If you were given the opportunity to be born again, how would you change how you lived?

I don’t know if that’s possible. Would the same events happen to me? Because I would probably react the same way. The way I reacted to events when I was young was not really a conscious choice. I responded in the manner that helped me cope best.

As I got older, I did make some choices that I, these days, would like to have changed. Maybe not self-harm in certain areas and leave such prominent scars? Maybe not spend so much time in my eating disorder? Etc.

However, again, I’ve always acted upon what helps me cope best, what I think is right for me to do, or whatever I believed I could do in that moment.

Maybe of the choices I’ve made in my life, I regret. I think my biggest regret is ECT (electro convulsive therapy), since I’ve lost a lot of my memory from a few years. But…was there a choice? I was drowning in my ED/depression/anxiety/etc., and I was underage when I first started ECT (my mom signed for me). That was their recommendation when I was 17. I was in and out of there for 7 years, so it probably would have come up at some point.

I don’t know how to explain that one much. I just mean to say that, I can wish I could go back and make “better” choices, but it’s not always that simple. Maybe in a different life than mine, I could have made different choices. Are some better than others? Maybe. But they’ve all led me to where I am today. I am proud of where I am today, so I will say that’s okay.

-October 23, 2016

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