It’s a continuous cycle. I hurt myself because I hurt other people; which, in turn, hurts other people, causing me to hurt myself again…you see the pattern?
It’s really hard to feel this way. It’s hard to live life thinking I need to be punished for others reactions, feelings, interpretations, etc, of me. It is a fact that I have hurt several people throughout my existence due to my choices and my behaviors. I guess everyone just responds to this in several different ways. Some people are not phased by hurting others. Some people even find enjoyment (though I think that’s something else deeper than that). Some people feel the guilt, but move forward. Some people cast themselves on a cross in agonizing pain (like me). No, I do not think I am Jesus or like Jesus. But isn’t it a similar concept? To let the words, the feelings of others, drill nails into me. To let others, or more often myself, hurl insults and judgements at me, knowing I can’t or won’t fight back? To let the whips lash at my skin, or in my personal case, razors and sharp edges?
I know this formal beating all too well, because for years, I was certain that I deserved it. How could I bear to look at my reflection in the mirror, knowing what a hideous creature I really was behind the blonde hair and blue eyes?
Sometimes I was angry at people for loving me. I hated that they couldn’t see the true monster I was. I had to punish myself for letting them down, even when they held no expectations.
This life is all to familiar. It was my existence for long enough that I am stained with the memories of these days and the aches of that bottomless pit buried inside my soul.
To this day, I hesitate too long to take action in fear of hurting someone else. But to be very honest…it’s going to happen. I cannot live an unauthentic life in prevention of someone else’s pain.
This does not mean I enjoy those moments, or breeze through them so quickly. It means that I take them as I come, and learn from each experience to make the next a little better.
I cause pain, but I also cause happiness. I cause anger, but I also cause love.
I am human. I am flawed and imperfect. But I am me; I am here for a reason, and I am on a journey of finding my truth. When one embarks on that journey, it never goes by the book, as planned, or in a predictable matter.
This is a process, and I will learn.
-October 20, 2016