Here is my, “alright, let’s be real” segment.
Today has been kind of rough with food.
I’m having a super picky day, where no, I don’t want cereal, and no, I don’t want a sandwich, and no, I don’t want more peanut butter. I think I’m being this way partly because I can’t eat out/can’t go grocery shopping (not enough money), partly because I’ve been eating the same foods at home (because I can’t eat out and can’t go grocery shopping), and partly because my face decided to break out today and I feel the ultimate shame blame game. My immediate reaction to seeing my face was that it must have happened because of my eating habits…so, in that case, I should change my eating habits.
Well, that’s kind of hard right now.
So here I am, contemplating the foods I could eat but don’t want to.
I suppose, in recovery-land, I should just eat something on auto-pilot. I don’t actually know the “right” answer to this. Some people say to just go on auto-pilot, get some kind of “fuel”. Some disagree with that statement, but I don’t know what they suggest one should do. In the meantime, I’m sitting here doing nothing.
Work has been interesting the past couple days. My co-worker told me today that I deserve to be a shift supervisor. That felt really nice, considering she doesn’t know that I’m trying to work towards that. A few months ago, someone needed to be promoted, and my manager ended up picking someone over me because I had/have things I need to work on before I take on a role like that. So I have been working on those things…but of course, at my store, it would take someone leaving for me to become a shift supervisor. No one is leaving anytime soon, as far as I can tell. So here I am.
I don’t know why, but I have the feeling of impermanence. As in, nothing that is happening right now in my life is going to stay like this for much longer. I don’t know why that feeling is arising, since things will most likely stay like this for awhile. I recently got a new apartment, so that’ll be the same until December 2017. I’m still in the middle of the semester, still going to work full time. I guess I’m feeling stuck? Like yes, this is what I wanted, but at the same time, it isn’t. All the aspects of my life right now, I am very fortunate for. But…I don’t know. I feel uneasy, I suppose. This momentum isn’t enough to sustain me into the foreseeable future.
Or maybe it’s just that I don’t know what the frick I want to eat tonight for dinner. Who knows.
-October 9, 2016