I Am Who I Am

Question: If you had the opportunity to be different, what would you change about yourself?

This question is interesting for me. I used to rattle off a million things I would change about myself. I was drowning in self-hate.

It still exists. I haven’t magically learned to love myself in this past year. But it is less.

Things I would change about myself. I wish I could have more energy from the sleep I get. I am constantly tired, fueled mostly by my caffeine intake. Normal days, it’s four shots of espresso (or more, some days). And yes, I have tried consuming less caffeine. It doesn’t work for me (not to mention I work at Starbucks, so there’s that).

I wish I wasn’t so shy. It’s extremely difficult for me to talk to new people, or even people in general. I despise making phone calls, and do it as frequently as possible. There’s a select number of people I am willing to talk to the phone on (often). It’s a short list. I feel like the world is about to crush me down when I go to speak to someone I don’t know or don’t know that well. I always shake and get super nervous when speaking in front of a group. I just wish I could be a little more confident about speaking.

I am tempted to say that I wish I wasn’t so emotional…but I don’t know. Sometimes it’s a good thing. I can relate to others often. Other times, it’s terrible, and leaves me feeling isolated. It leads me to more hate talk to myself.

I wish my past wasn’t such an awkward topic. I can’t get myself to tell people the real reason I moved to Georgia. I use some dumb excuse that doesn’t make much sense. I wish I could be more open with people, and that they in return would be more receptive. I am ashamed of being honest about my history with people in person/on the spot. Once I get to know someone better, though, I can usually be more open with them.

I wish I didn’t expect what I do from certain people. Hoping that they will wake up and give a crap is a lost cause…but I believe it’s a true cause anyway. I’m tired of being disappointed.

This might seem like a long list, or a short list, depending who you are. I’d like to reiterate, though, that this is MUCH shorter than it has been in the past. And, in the past, my weight would have been the first thing on the list. Note it is in fact not on the list today. I am where I am, and that is okay.

Living a life of self-hate is tiring and lonely. Though I do wish I could be someone else, or something else, all I have is me. The people who truly love me, for me, would be interacting with a different person if I changed all of the above. It would not be the same me. And though I do wish for changes, I don’t wish to change my essence. I am who I am for one reason or another, and hopefully one day I will make peace with that.

-Monday October 3, 2016

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