Days like today are rough. Today, I have the feeling that I am not good enough. I am not “enough”. I can’t do everything, and that’s heart breaking to me. I think, if I work really hard, I can ignore the exhaustion. I can ignore the aches and pains of constantly moving. I can ignore the stress.
Today I realize, that’s not possible.
Sometimes I can’t do everything. I had a good day at work today…I felt productive. I felt like I did a better job than yesterday (when I just had to leave early because I felt like I was going to fall over). I was efficient to the best of my ability.
Then I come home. I am exhausted out of my mind, to the point of considering going to bed at 5pm. I received an update from my school email saying I got a 0% on a World Lit assignment.
Great. That’s great.
My heart immediately jumped out of my chest. Why is this happening? Math is beyond difficult, to the point that I may have gotten a D on my test. Now World Lit? I can’t do everything, and that really sucks.
I want to curl into a ball, cry, and hide from the world. I wanted to use behaviors to help me feel better.
But do they ever make me feel better? No.
I wanted to use behaviors to punish myself. For what. being human?
But why can’t I be the perfect human?
Because that doesn’t exist. Which, on days like today, doesn’t seem true.
I hate my inability today. So I will go take a bath and maybe feel better.