I am really, really struggling. I feel like I am falling to pieces. I haven’t really had an active ED symptoms, but the thoughts are powerful. As they always are. My body image is distorted, or so my therapist says, but it’s hard to believe that sometimes. I use certain things to “reality check”, like sizes of clothes, but for some reason it doesn’t make me feel better.
I hate everything right now. I want to escape. I want to be alone. I don’t want a single person to follow me, try to talk to me, make it better…anything. I just hate everything.
I’ve been dealing with a migraine for the past few days, which I think is amplifying things a bit. The first day it was more of a migraine, but the past two days it’s been a little pain and a lot of pressure. I don’t know what is causing it, or how to make it go away. I literally slept from 6:30pm last night to 5:30am this morning. Eleven hours of sleep, that’ll make it go away, right? No. It came back. I’m popping migraine relief pills left and right, and it seems to get me by until I have to take more. My eyes just feel blurry in between and it’s hard to concentrate when I feel so overwhelmed.
I count down the minutes until work is over, even though I know I have nothing better to do afterwards. I’m still going to feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable, no matter what time of day it is or where I am. It’s all going to be overwhelming.
I’ve been going back and forth with my doctor and Walgreens for two weeks now trying to get my medicines refilled. I don’t know who really is dropping the ball (probably my doctor), but I’ve officially run out of one medicine and I’m about to run out of the other. A majority of myself is saying fuck it right now. Maybe I just won’t take the fucking medicine. Maybe I can stop and not have to worry about it constantly. The real problem is that one of them is my sleeping med. If I don’t take that, I don’t sleep. But I have to fight to get it refilled every fucking month. She won’t fill it more than a month out. It’s time consuming, it’s irritating, and I’m sick of having to do this ordeal over and over and over. Why can’t I just be able to sleep???
I’m just not happy. I want this to end.
-November 1, 2017