I haven’t posted in a long time, and I’m sure nobody reads this by now.
I’ve had a long semester. I’ve been taking four classes, two in person and two online, as well as full time work. My commute is about 1.5 hours each way. Tuesday’s and Thursday’s I have to go from work to school; Monday’s I have therapy. The only days I get to go directly home are Wednesday’s and Friday’s. It’s killing my spirit, but I have to push through. I don’t have any other options right now.
Work is going well. I seem to be succeeding at it. My company values me, which is nice. I don’t understand why they like me so much, but I go with it. I’m proud of myself for working hard and being a valuable employee. I know most years of my life I haven’t been very dependable in that sense. The commute is terrible but I don’t have much of a choice. I try not to think about it (which obviously fails).
I’ve decided to come off of two of my medicines. I don’t want to admit it but it’s already affecting me. I stopped taking my Remeron about two weeks ago. I tried to stop taking my Seroquel altogether as well, but I ended up extremely sick and almost had to go to the hospital. Apparently you can’t just stop taking Seroquel. It was akin to coming off of meth (not that I have experience with that, it just felt like it). Couldn’t sleep for days, couldn’t eat or drink, vomiting constantly, shaking, hot and cold at the same time no matter what I did, crying my eyes out because it felt like I was dying, and could hardly move without it being painful. This happened over the weekend. I ended up taking one of my pills and was able to keep it down. I took that Monday off from work to try to recover a bit. It’s not joke.
Which leads me to my question…why was I put on a drug like that in the first place? I feel cheated. I feel lied to. No one ever told me how difficult it would be to come off of medicines like that. It takes weeks, if not months. It alters everything about your body. It’s mind blowing to me that in treatment, they hand out pills like candy and only tell you it’s to make you feel better. No consequences, no talk of what your life will be like after the medicine. It’s just a quick fix for now.
I’m not knocking medicine. I need medicine to function normally. I am staying on my antidepressant. I think this is more aimed at medicines like the Seroquel where it’s insanely difficult to come off of. I wish I had prior warning. That’s all.
Like I said, I am noticing the difference between myself on the two and myself off the Remeron. I’ll be off the Seroquel in another few weeks. I feel like I get upset more easily, anxious quicker. I almost cried at work yesterday because it was so overwhelming. That could have just been a bad day, but I think it was the aftermath that left me feeling worse. I had terrible thoughts, wondered if life is even worth it. Wondered if offing myself would solve my problems. Because if I’m not normal off of medicines, maybe I’m just not meant to be. Maybe I am meant to be miserable. When I take medicine, it’s fake happiness. I want to be able to be happy on my own. Does that make sense? Who knows. It’s just scary to me that I am a completely different person naturally. I want to be the person I am on a good set of medicine without the medicine. I think I’m mostly bitter that my life needs to be this complicated. I’m angry that I can’t feel happiness unless it’s induced.
So I had a terrible day yesterday, and then on the way out of my history class, a girl stopped me in the parking lot. At first I thought she thought she knew me from somewhere. Then she invited me to her ministry meeting. It was completely out of the blue, and even though I didn’t go, the entire conversation left me feeling a little better. I was having a day consumed by depressive thoughts, wondering if my life is even worth living…and then someone takes the time to stop me and bring me closer to God. She could have stopped anyone. She didn’t have to talk to me. She did because she is a kind person, and I needed it. I sat in my car after that interaction, and nearly got out to go to the meeting. I didn’t because I had a long terrible day and hadn’t been home in over 12 hours yet…but I might plan to go next week. I’ve been really wanting a better relationship with God lately, but I don’t even know where to start. I had such a bad experience with a church down here that I’ve been turned off ever since. I want to have a better relationship with God. I want to feel God’s love more present in my life. I think He can get me through the bad times, and make me cherish the good. I want to feel secure again.
Maybe this meeting is the way to get back into my faith. Maybe these people can be an outlet for me. I struggle greatly with being social, and the idea of entering a room full of people I don’t know and talking to them about God terrifies me. This is so stupid, but I’m scared they’ll want to be friends. I don’t consider myself a good friend, and I’m so busy all the time that I know I couldn’t be as deep into my faith as I’d like to be. It’s mostly just myself getting in the way. I’d like to go and check it out, at least. I think the less expectation there is, the better.
It’s about 8am, so I need to switch from this and start work. It felt good to write though. Helps me get some of my frustrations and emotions out.
Thanks for reading, if you happen to see this and actually make it this far. ❤
-April 18th, 2018