Hurricane

This past week has been really difficult. Work is becoming stressful for the first time since I started. I’m running out of people to call, feeling pressured to be on the top caller list, and the mistakes that I make seem to be frequent and aggravating. I wish I could just do my job correctly the first time. I feel so stupid and useless. I hate knowing that people are probably mad at me, or frustrated with me. I’m frustrated with me.

Monday I found out that a girl I knew from treatment passed away. That kind of set the tone for this week, I believe. I knew she was in the ICU for a little while, and they were unsure if she would make it or not at that point. It’s particularly upsetting because she just moved into a new state/got her own place. I know that was partially fueled by the “no more treatment” attitude (which isn’t always healthy)…but it still sucks nonetheless. I hate watching as so many people I know die from their eating disorders. I hate not knowing why I am one of the ones that survived, and they’re not. There is literally nothing more special about me than them. There is nothing I can do that they couldn’t. I have no meaning, as far as I can see. I’m a friend, a sister, daughter, girlfriend, whatever else…but isn’t everyone? Everyone is something to somebody. That’s not a valid reason why I made it and they don’t.

I want answers that I won’t receive. People can guess and speculate, but I want a definitive answer. Why did I survive? Why am I still alive? Why them and not me?

I put my body through so much hell, and it doesn’t make sense. I overdosed repeatedly, should have needed a liver transplant the last time (but oh, hey, it miraculously recovered). I laid on the bathroom floor, room spinning, heart about to explode, multiple days out of the week…and I’m still here.

WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE.

Sorry. I’m not suicidal, I promise. Just angry…upset, unsure, bitter. In need of life answers.

I wish I could get myself to calm down. I don’t need this stress on top of the work stress. Together they’re pounding me into the ground. It’s harder to sleep, harder to be awake. I catch no breaks.

I at least made an attempt to make work a more positive area for me. I bought a dry erase board, and every day I’m going to write an encouraging/positive quote on there. I also need to keep telling myself that my coworkers are the sweetest people ever, therefore they actually do want to help me (not be mad at me for all my mistakes).

I don’t have much else to say. Signing off.

-September 27, 2017

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Blah

It’s not like today should have been a bad day, but it just was.

I was already 2 minutes away from work when I got the text that we didn’t have power. Which is fine, because we still had to come in anyway. I’m just like okay, I’ll go to Starbucks and hang out until the power comes on. False, actually, nothing in the vicinity had power. So I went to work at 7:30am. We proceeded to sit there and basically do nothing until 5pm. We went out to breakfast, came back and did a little filing, walked across the street to Publix for some food, and basically sat around for all those hours. None of the above things took very much time…but it felt like we were sitting there for days. We couldn’t leave because corporate down the street had power, so they were hoping ours would come on sooner or later. It was later. It didn’t come on until 4:45, and at that point we couldn’t do any work anyway. Our phones were still be re-routed to another center. It was just a lot of sitting around, and it made me really exhausted and cranky. I would have rather come home and not gotten paid than sat there all day doing nothing. Which was the general consensus. Moving on.

Finally we got to leave at 5pm (end of the work day). And as I walked out to my car…I dropped my phone. The new phone I just got about two or less weeks ago. Of course I dropped it on the screen, and of course the fucking screen protector did absolutely NOTHING to protect the phone. Screen is cracked to oblivion. I can’t really use my phone like that, so instead of going home and cuddling under a blanket like I planned, I drove to Woodstock to get the screen replaced. Can’t really afford it so bye bye savings. I just need my phone to be useable until I get paid. I get paid in a few days anyway. The repair was less than I thought…still not superb but less than I thought.

When I saw how badly it got cracked, I literally started crying in the parking lot. I feel stupid for being such an idiot and not getting a better case sooner. I feel robbed for buying this screen protector which literally did nothing to help. I feel angry because I’m exhausted and starting to get a cold or something, so more than anything right now I just want to be home under a blanket. I know tomorrow is going to be a hellish work day, trying to make up for everything we missed yesterday and today. And my body hurts from sitting on the floor of an office for multiple hours today.

I’m just cranky. I know in the long scheme of things, none of this little shit matters. I’m basically complaining about nothing. I got paid to do nothing today, which I suppose to anyone else sounds wonderful (but to me, not once you experience it). I mean try getting paid to do nothing when you literally can do nothing. No power, no internet, no Netflix, no lounging on your couch drinking wine and petting cats. You’re sitting on the floor of an office hoping they’ll let you go home sooner than 9 hours later. No such luck.

I will end that rant by saying that this is in no way my company’s fault. I work for an incredible company, and I know if there’s anything anyone could have done, they would have. I fully appreciate their efforts to accommodate us, and the kindness my boss extended to us throughout the day. And no, I’m not just writing this in case they somehow found this page (which I doubt they would). I’m writing this genuinely.  I love the company I work for more and more each day.

I guess the bright side is there will be a lot to do tomorrow, so I won’t be bored. It’s another short week, so the weekend will come quicker. I found a place that will fix my screen in 45 minutes. I know in another hour or two I’ll hopefully be home under a blanket being walked all over by my dog. I get paid in a few more days.

I just want this day to be over right about now.

-September 12, 2017

Stop.

Dear friends and family,

Please, please stop telling me to be easier on myself. Please stop telling me that working and going to school is hard, and I should be proud that I’m even trying. Please stop telling me that it’ll be okay, and I can just try again next semester. Or that maybe I should drop a class. Please just stop.

You don’t get it. I’m about to turn 25 in two weeks, and I don’t have my associates. I’ve failed two separate classes now in college, and in both I put a tremendous amount of effort. I’ve spent countless hours studying, writing down notes, doing assignments, doing tests….doing whatever, when I’ve already been at work 9 hours that same day. I get up, go to Starbucks to do schoolwork, go to work 8-5, come home, and do more schoolwork. There is no end to my work day.

But I don’t want to hear that I, “gave it my best shot”. That’s not even the problem here. The problem is I cared, and I do care, and that doesn’t mean shit. The problem is that I am still in school when pretty much everyone I went to high school with is already graduated, some even with their masters or PhD’s. The problem is that it doesn’t matter how much I care about the class…sometimes, I’m just not good enough to not fail the damn thing.

I don’t want to be easier on myself. That isn’t going to help. I do feel like absolute shit, and it would be nice if you didn’t invalidate me and try to take it away with a simple phase. Yes, it will be okay, but it isn’t right now.

I have always done well in school. There has never been a time in my life when I struggled the way I do now. And I don’t know what to do anymore.

I hate that college makes you take all these shit classes I’ll never need information from. I hate that I have to learn a foreign language when I’m terrible at that/I don’t think I’ll need it with what I want to do in life. I hate that I have to take TWO science courses when my major is practically the opposite. I don’t understand why I am having such a hard time.

Validation does not mean telling me how to feel, or act, or respond. Validation means you listen to me. That’s it. I don’t even care if it’s a simple answer as, “that sucks”, or, “I’m sorry”. That is perfectly okay with me. The rest is not.

If you got this far…thanks for listening.

-September 7, 2017

Updates

It’s been a minute since I updated. As usual, lot’s going on. Including the new job. It really hasn’t been stressful, which has been AMAZING for me. Starbucks was becoming so incredibly stressful that I was having panic attacks. Not once have I been talked down to here, or been sent into panic. Everyone here is REALLY nice, supportive, etc…it’s a great work environment to switch to. They believe in positive reinforcement, which of course I’m all about.

Working Monday-Friday isn’t bad, either. The week seems to fly by. I have been a little hard on myself for certain things here (mostly doing what I was taught and not missing any steps), but they told me it’s okay to make these mistakes because I’m still learning. I think they saw what a perfectionist I am, and they’re trying to help me lessen that a bit. I kind of feel like there’s no other way to treat myself…like someone just taught me that, I should remember it. I don’t want to be too relaxed on myself. I mostly just don’t want to mess up. Which has been hard this morning for some reason…probably (mostly) because I’m exhausted. It was a long weekend.

I like the rhythm this job provides for my week. Only downfall is trying to schedule other things, like doctor appointments and taking my dog to the vet. I wanted to take him Saturday, but for some odd reason my boyfriend and I slept until 1:30pm. That hasn’t happened to me in years, which made it strange. Oh well.

School is kind of stressful. I’m taking biology and world history (up to 1500AD). I don’t like either of these classes, which makes it worse. I had to do a science experiment last night in my dining room, and it didn’t work out how it was supposed to…which probably means I won’t get an A. It’s not my fault, because I did everything step by step the way it told me…but apparently that doesn’t matter. I don’t know.

Things are okay otherwise. Have to go now…I’m almost done my lunch break. Hopefully I can update again soon.

-August 28, 2017

Raw

I can’t keep going like this. I have so much emotion and it literally feels like it’s eating me from the inside out. The anxiety, the depression, the fear, the sadness…it physically hurts. I have no escape. I have no relief. I am constantly pushing through my days, like I’m trying to move when I’m engulfed in a thick mass. I keep thinking that it can’t get worse, and then it does. I keep thinking that it will get better, and it doesn’t. I keep thinking I have some escape, when I don’t.

Whether I’m at work, driving, at home…if I’m awake, I’m in this pain.

Being surrounded by this and having no escape is unbearable. I want to be left alone. I don’t want to inflict my sadness on the world. I don’t want to be accompanied by anyone while I’m feeling like this. But I’m never alone. I never have my escape. I try to sleep it away, but I’m awoken.

I’m always tired. Sometimes I wonder why, but sometimes it’s more obvious. I spend all day anxious like this, so there’s no wonder I’m tired. It’s like I’m running uphill all day. The ground never plateaus and my heart is giving out.

The eating disorder used to be my escape, but it can’t be anymore. I don’t want to be starving, I want to be left alone. I have nowhere to go to be left alone.

Why can’t you see what shit I am? Just get out while you can.

-August 14, 2017

Quote of The Night

“Mental illness

People assume you aren’t sick
unless they see the sickness on your skin
like scars forming a map of all the ways you’re hurting.

My heart is a prison of Have you tried?s
Have you tried exercising? Have you tried eating better?
Have you tried not being sad, not being sick?
Have you tried being more like me?
Have you tried shutting up?

Yes, I have tried. Yes, I am still trying,
and yes, I am still sick.

Sometimes monsters are invisible, and
sometimes demons attack you from the inside.
Just because you cannot see the claws and the teeth
does not mean they aren’t ripping through me.
Pain does not need to be seen to be felt.

Telling me there is no problem
won’t solve the problem.

This is not how miracles are born.
This is not how sickness works.”
― Emm RoyThe First Step

Full Of It

I’m having a very hard day. My last week at Starbucks has been extremely rough. Not going to lie, I was extremely close to walking out today. I nearly had a panic attack on the floor, and the only reason I didn’t was because I knew it was impossible for me to look anyone in the eye after that. I knew if I had to go to the back and calm down, people would be talking about it from there on out. I can’t do that. I can’t have that. So I just…went through it. I ended up scratching at my arm, which is something I haven’t done in a bit. I only have done that when I’m really, really anxious/on edge. Somehow the scratching calms me down…or something. I don’t know. Pain is distracting. And I shouldn’t have to use pain as a distraction at work.

I am going to tell my boss tomorrow that today is my last day. I was supposed to work the next Saturday, but I can’t do it. It’s too much. Plus I can’t work for seven days in a row. I’ve done it before but that doesn’t mean it’s pleasant.

Being home has not been much better. I feel just as shitty as before. I want to block all of this out. I want to not think, not feel. Yet I’m so full of everything.

I have to take my dog to his training class soon, and I don’t even want to face that. I just don’t want to be around anyone.

Which is really hard to do. Just leave me alone, people. Ignore me. It’s easier that way.

-August 13, 2017